ERGO MAGAZINE ONLINE

SURVIVAL TIPS

2010-05-08T13:06:00.005-04:00

Katie Holmes

with Eddie, president of Joshua Jackson Fan Club of Alpus, NY

Many of us in the fan club have seen fit to chastise this poor girl because she has supposedly "tainted" the pure flesh of Joshua Jackson. I would like to step out and say this is not indicative of the Joshua Jackson Fan Club nor its supporters, Roe-Jan Auto of Copake, NY; Marge's Homemade T-Shirt Designs of Charlotte, NC; Samantha Smurgle's Crappy Homemade Macaroni Art of Pittsburgh, PA or Serena Glubbs Pastries and More in various locations throughout Ohio.

These fine sponsors in no way support the following actions to be taken to Katie Holmes:

both femur bones broken with a cricket bat

stool softener put into her mocha lattes

hiring a Joshua Jackson look-a-like to deceive her that Joshua Jackson is taking her back and then leave her standing at the altar where another group of paid supporters will stand up and laugh at her

informing Tom Cruise that she has leaked top secret Scientologist secrets to the press

gang raping her and then not calling her in the morning

We, at the Joshua Jackson Fan Club, do not support any of these tactics. We would not even provide funding for these, although it would be possible to provide funding in Iran under the suspicion of infedelity.

In fact, we hope the sorry slut has a happy fucking life.

JOSHUA JACKSON

2010-05-01T13:35:00.000-04:00

Herein lies the final month of ERGO Magazine and what better way to signify its run than a Joshua Jackson-themed issue. Of all the themes we have explored it is, perhaps, the most human.

At the heart of the Joshua Jackson issue lies a completely platonic love of Mr. Jackson's stage, screen and TV work. We first glimpsed him as small little league hocket captain and watched him grow into a teenage heartthrob friend of a guy who has a dock near his house. We watched him as a young adult undergo the temptation of secret societies. Now, we watch him as a man attempting to understand the paranormal as well as his father.

In a way, Joshua Jackson's story is America's story. We grew up innocent but motivated, we embraced love as well as the natural world around us, we fought against a corrupt system and we now deal with an unknown but intriguing future.

Truly, as ERGO folds its wings, we acknowledge the greatest of not only Joshua Jackson, but America.

We hope you enjoy the issue.

REJECTED IDEAS

2010-04-30T17:10:00.000-04:00

FOURTHOUGHT

Four Movies With Exceptional Presence Of Male Gentalia

POP ROOTS

Is Saving The World Contributing To Men's Hair Loss?
Why Action Male Movie Stars Are Losing Their Quest To Do Good.

LOST PAGES

101 Things You Can Do Tripping Balls
by Timothy Leary with Guest Writers Jack Kerouac and Ken Kesey

SURVIVAL TIPS

Damn Baseball-Playing Kids That Keep Hitting The Ball Into The Azalea Bushes
with Old Man Robertson

THE HEALTHY BUTTES

2010-04-27T13:10:00.002-04:00

Hi, Butte Family! We're feeling absurdly fantastic, as usual. Right, Buttes?

RIGHT!

Welcome to another fine session of The Healthy Buttes and today we'd like to focus on a tool of the workout that's often neglected. Can we let them in what that is?

MEDICINE BALLS!

That's right seems a little strange to be talking about it, but actually medicine balls are an essential component of a work out.

I take medicine to quit smoking! I've got a patch on my arm!

Sylvia, please...Sorry, my wife there. Sylvia, how are you doing?

Great great great! GREAT! Patched and ready to go! I don't want a cigarette!

Well, can you let us in one technique to we can introduce to these people in regards to the medicine ball?

I can!

ELAINE! I mean...Elaine...this is Elaine, my mother-in-law. Elaine, I was going to let Sylvia do that.

I'm just rared up and ready to go! Marge had a spill, but she's doing fine. I've been throwing the medicine ball at her in the hospital. HARD AS I CAN! RIGHT IN THE FACE! HA HA HA! She loves it! And she catches it, too. Husband throws a fit, but he can deal with it!

Goddammit, I'm losing my mind...Okay, Sylvia, would you please?

Sure. The first exercise is a simple crunch. Down on the ground with the medicine ball in your hands and sit up with it. It's good for the abdomen. You don't even have to SMOKE!

Okay, Sylvia. Now, to demonstrate the next technique I'd like my three beautiful adopted children to all participate. Tammy, Pammy and Jammy! Say hello to everyone!

Hey everyone!

Jammy?

Hi...

Jammy...

Hello...everyone!

That's a little better. Okay, now let's explain what we're going to do. Sylvia already told you about one technique to assist with abdomen development. This next technique will help with arm and abdomen as well as your dexterity! How's it done, Tammy?

Well, you see Mr. Butte...

Tammy, it's Daddy...remember?

Right! Right! I'm sorry...Daddy!

Ahem...

Anyway, Daddy sits up holding the medicine and throws it to me...

Here ya go!

Ow! I mean...thank you, Daddy. And then I throw it back.

Throw it in, throw it out!

Work the arms and abs. It's a...ow, my hand...matter of fact.

Pammy, let's have a go with you. This time I want have some muscle in it! Toss it back to me!

Here you go...Daddy!

All right! And back to you, kiddo!

Ow! My wrist!

Whoa! Hand-eye coordination, Pammy. Anyway, I'd like to use my dear son Jammy to demonstrate an exercise you can do if you're too old and flabby to sit down. This exercise involves standing up and its simple back and forth. Just like a what, Jammy?

I dunno...

Goddammit, Jammy. We are live here. Put on a smiling face or I will kick your Butte out of this family...

It's like a game of catch.

Right? So you see, I toss it lightly to Jammy and then Jammy tosses it lightly to - AHH, MY EYE! JESUS MESSIAH LORD IN HEAVEN CHRIST! AHH! AHHH! My contact lense is lodged! AHHHH! SOMEONE CALL THE DOCTOR! SOMEONE CALL!!

Your welcome...Daddy.

THE MANSOGNYST

2010-04-25T15:05:00.000-04:00

The Ultimate Kick In The Balls
A Call For The Obliteration Of ALL Scrotums

Please excuse me for being human, but I'm a little passionate about this issue. You see, in vitro fertization is probably the greatest thing I've ever heard of. Mainly, because it believes that womyn get along just fine without men. And I'm definitely in favor of this.

In case you're not familiar with this technique, I'll flesh it out for you. Let's say you're a womyn. First, congratulations! You are officially an actual human being capable of love, emotions and common sense. Your brain isn't in your dick and your quite comparable with logical thought patterns and not blowing up helpless human beings on the other side of the planet.

Again, congratulations!

This means you never have to worry about meeting a man, going on dates, have him wine you and buy you nice things, believe him when he says he loves you, sit through a dick being shoved into you for about two minutes until he cums all inside and then have him leave you for a pretty seventeen year old.

None of that. You don't even need to feel the pregnancy. You can take drugs!

You see, my dear dear readers, I am very much in favor of this manless technique because it cuts down on 99 percent of womyn's unhappiness, which is, men. We have much better things to worry about. For example, watching Hillary Clinton bow to governmental phallus as a nation of dick worshippers pushes a six foot something tall penis into the White House. Thanks America for sucking Barack Obama's balls!

You see, in vitro fertilization means the end of this charade. With that said, it allows us to accomplish the next feat, which will no doubt save humynity as we know it.

You see, we have enough sperm frozen to continue the humyn race for years to come. And soon we'll have the ability to create sperm in the laboratory via humyn cloning. That said, let's take a look at the positive off-shoot of this.

We don't need men anymore. Now, I mean that in a metaphorical sense. I'm not going to through killing all men. That's what THEY would do. No. But we no longer need these bags of destructive juice we call scrotums because that's where all the problems START. With the in vitro fertilization of the world, men no longer need their scrotums and they can quickly be dealt with mandatory visits to the doctor.

No more wars! No more rapes! No more fucking Bill O'Reilly and his masculine misogynist agenda!

What's more, men can no longer hop in and out of your life and leave you with this huge mess of guilt, shame and what-not. They'll no longer be able to romanticize you by saying how much they enjoyed Jane Austen (even though you think she's mostly, and I hate this word, an egregious cunt...although I though Persuasion was nice) and found Judith Butler's gender criticism enthralling. They'll be able to become friends with your Nigerian adopted son and then leave him with a tear in his eye wondering where his male role model went. And they'll no longer be able to support you in your decision to take up a femininist column in a pop culture blog while they leave you not only high-and-dry in a Brooklyn apartment with nothing but a Skippo and Arm and Hammer in your apartment but then take up a rival column on the SAME blog and mask themselves under the unbelieveably ostentatious and utterly stupid psuedonym THE INFORMED OBSERVER!

That's right, Scott! You heard me world. His name is Scott Malamud and he's a two-timing, lying, son-of-a-bitch fucking whirl-a-fuck mother fucker!

And he, of anyone, DESERVES to have his balls cut off and thrown into the Hudson River.

I'm out.

LOST PAGES

2010-04-21T12:12:00.019-04:00

Ball Pits

by Jack London

Within the playplace, day had broken in blues, oranges, pinks and yellows. The man stood at the top of the ball pit and glanced at his watch. It was one thirty. He figured a short dip into the ball pit would not take that long and then he would be on his way. His small child glanced at him strangely. He smiled and put his feet into the ball pit.

The pit was comfortable. The plastic balls curled around his body and he felt as he had descended into water, bulbous and magnified. He walked effortlessly, although there was a little resistance in his ankles. Nonetheless, he kept calm and continued onward. His small child watched from the slide as he waded through the colorful plastic balls. He was not a man to age with dignity. He felt hampered by his thirties and was determined to denounce their rudiments and requirements of one in his age bracket. He flicked a pile of plastic balls into the air.

The old man at the register had told him the playplace was for children six and under and he had told him he was talking his child in and nothing more. He had no doubt the old man would disapprove of his behavior, but the man's mind did not consider the consequences of playing in the ball pit. It considered that it was childish, but the fact that it was against the restaurant's regulations never occured to him. It was childish and this was what the man wanted.

He glanced at his watch. It was two-thirty. He knew he should be getting back to the table to finish his French fries and he turned to exit the ball pit, but his foot stuck. He tried to move it and realized he couldn't. The old man at the register had told him of one man, about his age, who had gone into the ball pit and twisted his ankle walked amongst such small plastic objects. This is what the man figured he may have done. Of course, he knew he would be fine. He need only work his way to exit of the ball pit, which was not that far. Only a few feet, he calculated. But he could not move his foot. And when he tried to move it his whole body ached. He forced himself to walk a step, but tripped and fell into the ball pit. Pushing with his hands he kept himself above the surface, but he needed to return to his feet. His arms would not last this long.

He glanced up at his small child, peering from the top of the slide and cursed her for her convenient position. The man's arms began to weaken. His was not a man who did push-ups except before taking his shirt off. He thought of his French fries and then he thought of his wife, waiting for him to come back with their daughter. He thought how she would react. He thought of the shameful glance the old man at the register would give him. It occured to him that death was not so bad. So, slowly he allowed himself to descend beneath the ball pit until only the back of his heels and the top of his head was visible.

His daughter slid down the slide, waded through the ball pit and exited the play place to eat her father's French fries.

POP CULTURE FACE-OFF

2010-04-13T13:11:00.001-04:00

Two male duos with a balls-to-the-walls spirit for action as well as an indomitable friendship. One most certainly British, the other most certainly American, but who is most certainly the best? This month's Pop Culture Face Off pits

Nick Frost and Simon Pegg

vs.

Chris Farley and David Spade

Since these guys are actors, let's stage this like an actor's resume: personal life, appearance and experience.

Personal

David Spade and Chris Farley were undoubtedly friends. They met while working on Saturday Night Live and remained friends until Farley's death in the mid 90s. Spade refused to come to Farley's funeral citing, "I don't want to be somewhere where Chris is in a box."

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost were roommates and best friends before either broke into the film business (Frost not being an actor prior to this). Pegg has cast Frost in several television and film projects on which he has worked. Frost was also best man at his wedding.

Winner: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost
Spade's devotion to Farley is endearing, but Pegg and Frost formed their friendship long before the bright lights appeared on both of them.

Appearance

When they stand together, they look like the number 10.

Winner: Draw
That's part of the reason for this comparison.

Experience

Besides appearing together several seasons on Saturday Night Live, Farley and Spade starred in numerous movies together. Most notably are their buddy comedies, Tommy Boy and Black Sheep. Their movies maintained their SNL personas with Spade being the sarcastic twerp and Fasrley the lovable goof-ball.

Frost and Pegg worked together on several TV and film projects, all with Pegg as writer or co-writer. TV show Spaced, which focused on Pegg as a twenty-something trying to find a lifepath with roommate Daisy, featured Frost as his best friend. Movies Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz were about, respectively, a zombie outbreak and a conspiracy in a small English village. In each movie, Pegg plays best friend or plays one who becomes a best friend to Pegg. Each movie demonstrates Pegg as the uptight but intelligent cohort to Frost's childlike naivete.

Winner: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost

Farley and Spade were cute together, but their films didn't back the social commentary and funny punch which Pegg and Frost managed in theirs. Plus, Pegg actually wrote their movies.

Overall Winner:

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost

Farley and Spade were children of their time, but Pegg and Frost's movie bare a near ubiquitous sensibility that transcends the SNL nostalgia Farley and Spade evoked.

BALLS SPOTTING

2010-04-08T20:41:00.002-04:00

THE LIST

2010-04-07T13:06:00.000-04:00

Nobody's perfect and no one knows this better than celebrities. Every move, every word is aggrandized by pop machine. You'll either be a saint or Satan depending upon what the media picks up on and how they view it according to their particular form of publicized morality. It's not fair, but hey, that's the game and if you want the boon you've got to pay the piper. But there are always exceptional cases where the media had to do very little to implode a famous deity. This month, we look at...

5 People Who Really Dropped The Ball

1. Tiger Woods

So, you're a media messiah and a god to the world of golf, who plucked it out of a its stuffy country clubs and saved it from extinction in the minds of many outside its small circle. God complexes are hard to resist in this sense and Woods is no exception. He defaulted many times on the wedding day words said so many years ago and now not only he but golf teeters on his (and his publicists') ability to re-market him. Saying mea culpa will only get him so far, Tiger is going to have to reinvent himself as he reinvented the game he has mastered. How can you reinvent a fallen star who was promoted as a saint? How about encouraging him to live up to much of the advertising lionization that put him in this position? Woods has owned up to his own infedility, now he should look back and reconnected much of the misconnect between his actual life and the public image in which he was cast.

2. John Edwards

What a waste. The perfect image, nearly flawless. He was the quinessential everydayman with dirt under his fingernails and a vision for all of America regardless of caste or color. To his advantage was also his sweet southern drawl and his devotion to his wife even when she suffered from cancer. What a chance, right? Unfortunately, Edwards displayed his weakness in full public view cheating on his dear Elizabeth, which is bad enough in itself...but when she had cancer. Edwards is perhaps through on the political circuit, but perhaps there's still hope for him. Ironically on the coattails of his wife. Imagine the Edwards clan taking to church circuit, showing how infidelity can be overcome through Biblical priniciples, regular church attendance and...well, it's an idea. He could also check out The Surreal Life.

3. Mark McGwire

Just when we thought we could focus all our anger on Barry Bonds and his blatant disregard of the traditions of baseball. Traditions being that it's actually you who plays the game and not beefy arms curtesy of hefty doses of steriods. McGwire has demonstrated that one of the essential of baseball's rejuvenation in the late 90s, early 00s - the homerun race - was as much a farce as Bonds record-breaking lifetime homerun record. Is there any way McGwire can make for this aside from publically asking the his homerun record be stripped from the hall of fame? Nope.

4. Steven Page

Many don't remember Barenaked Ladies aside from "One Week" and maybe "Pinch Me", but they've amassed quite a following among those who favor the quirkiness of almost-popular music from the 90s. He was the other half of the perfectly harmonized duo alongside Ed Robertson. Is it right to say he dropped the ball? Isn't 20 years enough for a group? One wonders if Barenaked Ladies are really Barenaked Ladies without the duo. Their new album is most definitely a shift in energy and Page is pursuing his own solo album. Of course, one could compare it to the Blink 182 split-up. Interesting stuff came out of it, but the magic of the group was in its unity. Has Page ruined this by absconding? Is there greener grass to come? Most definitely and no.

5. Rod Blagojevich

Who the hell doesn't think this guy deserves to be voted off the face of the earth after his unrelenting ability to acknowledge his own guilt and mock the very process of law is supposed to uphold? To have bowed to the mistress of media is the proper way to announce one's defeat, but when one attempts to subvert...that's when you become an asshole. Rod Blagojevich will be forgotten by the ADHD fueled engines of the pop radar but his name will, for some time, be a buzz word for 'incompetence' and 'government infedelity.'

SURVIVAL TIPS

2010-04-05T18:50:00.017-04:00

Baseball

with Kandees Johnson

OMG. I just got back from the baseball game and it was incredible. Like, I think you should totally go. I know you don't know that much about baseball, but it's so easy it's fucking incredible. I was sitting there right behind the dugout cause Jake from Sigma Alpha Theta got me tickets. He's an asshole but nevermind, he's still sorta cool that he got me and Jess tickets even though he was a total dick to Jess last Saturday. Anyway, baseball is really fucking super cool. We were there for about thirty minutes and I, like, would've stayed longer but I got this text that Amanda was running late from her internship and she needed someone to pick up the beer for the party tonight and whatever. So, I went but...

...anyway, the thing about Jake is that sometimes he can be a jerk, but sometimes he can be so soooo cool because I was talking to Mindy about it and, like, she's the only one I told that I slept with Jake three times and I'm the only one who knows that she blew him her first week at school so we're real good friends, you know. We've got each other's backs and stuff. So, I think he's this jerk sometimes but I think it's really how you take him because it's really just the way he has of being funny, you know? It's subtle. He's really smart. You have to really listen to him to get his humor and I love it....

...anyway, baseball was great because everybody's there and everybody's drinking and having a good time and you don't even have to pay attention to the game cause, like, it's a big party, you know?

OMG! I saw Bradley and Jenny there! They are SOOO CUTE! Yeah, so Bradley is actually on the baseball team at school and I think it's really cool that he goes with Jenny to the game and, just, explains to her what's going on. I love it! I went up to them and said hello and they were so cool and I told Bradley how much I loved baseball and I, like, I'm totally sikked to be here at the game and he was cool and said it's cool and I asked him where Jake was or if Jake was here and he said he didn't know...so...

...so, I like haven't heard from Jake and I really want him to call me back because, like....*sniff*...like...*sniff*...I'm sorry...like...we hooked up the other night and he, you know, he didn't have a condom, so I was worried that...you know...but, like, he said it would be cool. He would pull out and I, like, know that's a stupid idea and I feel, like, so stupid, but...he's just so cool and...he's really sweet sometimes and...*sniff* *sniff*...I'm really sorry it's just...you know? What if I'm, you know...you know?! What if I am? Like, I won't be able to go out anymore and I don't believe in abortion because I'm, like, a conservative sort of but I still voted for Barack Obama cause I'm really down with equal rights, you know? And...I don't know...like...

...

...baseball, you know, it's cool. You should really go watch a game...*sniff*...

BALLS SPOTTING

2010-04-03T22:27:00.002-04:00

BALLS

2010-04-01T06:41:00.000-04:00

Balls.

Not ball, but balls.

This is not a single sphere sitting on the playground, languishing in the lazy afternoon sunlight after recess has ended.

This is not two, three, four or a hundred balls lying about of all different shapes and sizes. One ball is a simple game of catch, but balls are a field day, a game of dodgeball or a pit in the Play Place of your favorite fast food establishment.

The circular shape of a ball carries with it the inevitable sense of play it will inspire. Kittens play with anything ball-like. Children, too. Adults, too. As children balls are play and adults may stare into a crystal ball for guidance (or fun, they may say). We squeeze the life out of stress balls for relaxation. Long ago, a ball moved a computer mouse across the pad and, therefore, allowed any number of functions that would have proven far more difficult without this simple round thingamajig.

But balls are also courage. Having balls is having the werewithal to move forward with a task, to defend one's (or another's) honor, to stand up for what one believes in. It is interesting that 'to go ballastic' is to take this desire to state one's purpose too far. Ballistic. Interesting.

Without balls, there would be no sports; or much fewer sports than currently exist. Baseball, football, basketball, dodgeball, tetherball, tennis, cricket, golf, rugby...we would have to subsist on hockey and shuffleboard.

This month, we're going to look at balls. What is their importance to the pop matrix which surrounds and influences the way we say and do everything? It seems to be intricate in our sense of fun. 'To have ball' or 'to go to a ball' are common sayings for letting loose of one's inhibited self and losing it in a game or an event. 'Tripping balls' is to be wild with a drug induced ecstasy (or, to at least seem so). Balls it seems are the symbol of the carnivalistic nature of life. We long satiate our desire to escape from a framework we see as possibly constraining and celebrate manically this mystery or life; or, perhaps, we long to find a type of life that is nothing but this.

As spring is spinning its web upon us ever more deeply, the sense of play, of jubliancy is awakening in us and we hope this issue to elucidate where we can find the kernel of this emotion, this penchant in our modern world.

REJECTED IDEAS

2010-03-31T11:59:00.001-04:00

THE INFORMED OBSERVER
Girl Farts: The Feminine Conspiracy to Implicate Men in the Vast Over-flatulation of America

SURVIVAL TIPS
Smoke Detectors
with Michael Phelps

THE LOST PAGES
Virginia Woolf
Flutes, and Various Places D.H. Lawrence Could Stick One

EDITOR'S NOTE
Spitting in the Wind, How One Man's Momentary Sense of Freedom Ended With A Totaled Car and A Face Full Of His Own Saliva
with guest writer Ira Glass

THIS MONTH IN...
Trees...WTF?

POP ROOTS

2010-03-28T17:45:00.002-04:00

Wounded Royalty

Pain in pop culture and why it's popular

What was so wonderful about The Osbournes that rejuvenated a washed-up, drugged-out rock star and catapulted a pudgy, acerbic teen with limited singing ability into Divahood? Was it circumstance? The fact that Ozzy Osbourne still had a little credibility left from his Black Sabbath days to pull off a media apotheosis? Or, television executives in desperation falling to Old Faithful: The Reality TV Show? What about the success of The Surreal Life? Celebrity Rehab? The return of Britney Spears? The success of movies like The Wrestler and Crazy Heart? How does all that tie together? In my opinion, it's the bruises, scrapes, cuts, wounds (whether pride or pounds of flesh) which returned these stars (and characters) to the spotlight or increased their longevity and it's a phenomenon we'd like to look at in this month's Pop Roots.

Wounds are, in a sense, pain. When we see a wounded, scarred, bloodied anything and we immediately associate pain with that particular anything. Wounds are, what linguist Ferdanind de Saussre might have called, signifers for pain. Karen Halttunen, in her article "Humanitarism and the Pornography of Pain in Anglo-American Culture," notes that the American or - better stated - Western concept of and/or approach to pain begins in sixteenth-seventeenth century England. "Shaped by John Locke's psychology of sensation and the moral-sense philosophy of his followers, the cult sensability took for its hero the "man of feeling", whose tender-hearted susceptability to the torments of others was the mark of his deeply virtuous nature... As part of a broader "reformation of manners" reshaping English social (and especially male) behavior during this period... In the context of the bourgeois 'cilivizing process', compassion and a reluctance to inflict pain became identified as distinctively civilized emotions".

Understanding the pain of other human beings became, in a sense, chic. Certainly, not all human beings were always viewed as equal or having the same sensation of pain as others. There is good reason to assume the abilitionist movement in Europe and in America greatly moved us toward the modern conception of pain. And what is the modern conception of pain? It varies greatly still, although it is commonly understood that it is something which is inescapable and almost always empathized with. The variance comes with who experiences the pain. If the person has committed a great wrong, then many view the pain is justly deserved or perhaps divinely oriented. If the person has done nothing, then the view is one of injustice or even a cruel divine order. In this post, the most important feature of pain is how it is expressed, specifically as reflected in American media as this could provide a theory to the popular American view/experience/expression of pain. The following quote by Dr. Mary Moore Free in her article "Cross-cultural conceptions of pain and pain control" will be the matrix from which I draw my analysis, "The word pain is derived from the Latin word poena, meaning a fine or a penalty... Pain is, of course, a pervasive condition of large melting-pot societies, such as the USA... individual behavior mirrors, at least in part, the behavior of a group to which the person belongs. Therefore, albeit one's behavior can be individual, it is most often shared with a significant number of one's cultural (or subcultural) group." The question here is what is the universal (in terms of America) agent in the celebration of pain.

And it is a celebration of pain. No one's denying that Jackass was anything but that. Or, The Tom Green Show. Or, America's Funniest Home Videos (where the most popular, still-You Tubed videos, are the infamous blows to the crotch the show was infamous for). But also proto-Reality TV such as Rescue 911 as well as seemingly indestructible hospital and cop dramas where pain is primary component of their appeal. There seems to be an American concept of justified and unjustified pain and we're going to use two recognizable cogs in the pop machine to illustrate this: Johnny Cash and Steve-O.

Ignoring the obvious difference of Cash as a critically-acclaimed singer-songwriter and Steve-O as a former Florida clown most known for self-mutilation, what is the difference in relation to pain? Cash's pain has been widely publicized through the biographical film Walk The Line and many of his songs. Steve-O's pain has also been widely publicized through the numerous incarnations of Jackass as well as the spin-off Wildboyz with Chris Pontius. Cash's pain dealt primarily with drug use, while Steve-O worked with self-mutilation in the form of stapling himself, allowing live animals to bite him, horrendous falls and so on. Both individuals sought out their pain consciously, Cash made the decision to use drugs and Steve-O the decision to be a human punching bag. Yet, the key difference lies in the journey. Steve-O modus operandi is pain, while Cash's was music, fame.

Remember the words of Dr. Moore Free, pain derives from poena meaning "to pay a fine, or penalty." What did Steve-O and Cash pay? They paid their body. What did they receive in return? They both received attention. For Steve-O, the means were also an end. The attention was the primary reason behind seeking the mean. There was a self-gratification in the knowledge that others would see him as a fool. After all, he was a clown. Cash, however, used the cause of his pain (drugs) to hide his pain, to project the particular image he wanted: the flawless man in black. There are two different things going on here: pain as an external mechanism and pain as an internal mechanism. Steve-O is the former. Cash is the latter.

There's a reason why no one cries when they watch a video of dad getting kicked in the crotch by a cantankerous three-year-old. It's because he allowed it to be sent in. He supports his pain being exploited. This is the same as Steve-O. The externality of pain is funny. But why is it funny? It's my opinion that this presentation of pain is, in a way, offensive to the human concept of pain as something personal and sacred. We laugh, I believe, because we're angry. There's also a reason why giggles are very few when discussing the life of Johnny Cash; why there is sometimes an almost sacred attention given to it. In a sense, the person's entire path has been to hide their pain in order to satiate their passion, to stabilize themselves just enough to fill their need to create. Pain is something of an unwanted backlash and they hide it, just like us. We don't want it, but it comes. We respect this and empathize. We see ourselves in it.

So, we have the two aspects of pain in the pop world: the external, mocking pain and the internal, grating pain. The external, although mocking and (as stating earlier) possibly enraging, it relieves the pressure on the brain (or the soul or heart or what have you) which causes pain (interestingly, there is also an ancient technique of relieving pressure on the skull to reduce pain). By reducing the power of pain, we may be able to escape (even as we laugh in anger at the parody of) pain and it's power over us for what may be our entire life. By taking in the pain of others through the internal presentation of pain, we grasp aspects of life which we may only understand in moments of anguish.

So, as you take note of pop stars frolicking in the temporary light of the media glare, ask yourself this question of pain. What is pain to these temporary images of youth, energy and sexuality? It can travel a wide spectrum, to any nook or cranny of any expressive media darling: music, movies or the inevitable 15-minute spark. Is it a cathartic comedy meant to enrage but release us, or is it a sagacious moment encouraging us to contemplate our own mortality and fragility?

THIS MONTH IN...

2010-03-26T17:35:00.000-04:00

Astrological charts, the placement of planets, the shape of fresh pig intestines tossed upon the soil, ink blots: people have sought illnumerable methods of determining their daily destinies. After all, it's nice to have a heads up on the present, especially if it may set you up with the person of your dreams, exorbant riches or any number of things you feel will make you happy. This month, ERGO decides to offer you the chance to do these things with the launch of

THIS MONTH IN...

WIND

It's good karma to go sailing, fly kites, blow pinwheels, play a saxophone, blow bubbles, surf and drive with your car windows down

It's bad karma to fart, skydive, play the trumpet, whistle, go anywhere with sand and go snorkeling.

Word To Focus On: Zephyr

Meditative Quotation: "We are all wind. And even wind, more wisely than we, loves to make a noise and move about, and is content with its own functions, without wishing for stability and solidity, qualities that do not belong to it." - Montaigne

Celebri-strology:

Wendy Kaufman

Embrace your gregarious side. You are a born people person with many different flavors. You are entertaining for a few minutes, but quickly become overwhelming and annoying. Because of this, people find it easy to forget you.

You should vacation in Detriot.

You shouldn't vacation in any South East Asian country.

Color To Watch For: Blue

Food to Concentrate On: Wendy's Chicken Sandwich

Musicians You Have A Karmic Connection To: George Harrison

THE LOST PAGES

2010-03-25T20:00:00.000-04:00

Flutes

by D.H. Lawrence

What are flutes, really? We can never say satisfactorily. They have been nominated - by many in modern circles - as a wind instrument of considerable soft tones, breathy often; comparable to a breeze against a bottle. They are right in a logical sense. Flutes are made to be musical instruments. One can imagine the young mother instructing her daughter, 'Now, my sweet, you most hold the mouthpiece to your lips just barely and allow the air to slide over the hole not into it. Keep it outstretched so the sound will not be lost in the ground.' etc. Yet, is this the only use for a flute? A mere youthful hobby?

Often, we are forgetful of the power and wide spectrum of the musical experience. Yes, the upper body experiences the sensation of creating the music. The aperture of the mouth forces air through the small holes and a pleasant sound is expelled, but what is said of the effect on the lower body? Little is mentioned in regard to this most essential aspect of the human being. In fact, it is the great fault of psychoanalsis to crucify this aspect of human beings as a region ruled by animal instinct. For deeper meaning is not relegated to this upper region as it is also not prohibited to the lower body. Rather, the sound of music (especially of the flute) envelopes the lower body as it does the upper body in a unique manner. Besides the straighening of the ganglia of the neck, the hypogastric plexus and sacral ganglion receive warmth from the vibrations created by the flute. In fact, it is nearly as intense as that of coition, which maintains the highest of vibrational effects.

Although the act of flute playing seems befitted to man, who is the gender more given to action; flutists are best if female as the receiving of vibrations from the end of the tube is more closely related to the passive nature of woman. Indeed, woman can experience fuller passivity the closer the instrument is to the hypogastric plexical region. Flexibility, in this matter, is important as breath must be maintained even when bending. But, what if breath is cannot be maintained?

Vibrations are not only created by breathe exiting the mouth, but by friction created by the flute itself, usually through repetitve forward and backward motions. The hypogastric plexical region is a tender yet welcoming region to any shape long and thin as is the nature of the flute. Even the area of the sacral ganglion can be explored, although much care should be given to sanitation in this matter. Yet, what is to become of man? Should he not enjoy the vibration of the flute in which the woman so intimately lounges?

Man, as a gender of action, can be a partner to woman in this case. For the woman may allow the flute to enter the hypogastric plexical region, or her lotus field, in isolation, but the vibrations may be increased when man assists her in this action; perhaps, playing upon the instrument himself to increase the vibrational potential.

President Wilson, Bernard Shaw or Mrs. Woolf may shy away at this new approach to music, the flute in particular. Yet, it is not advisable to merely play the flute. For mere music falls on deaf ears, it is the music taken into one's body which produces true ecstatic flushes and a healthy reddening of the cheeks.

THE HEALTHY BUTTES

2010-03-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

A new segment in ERGO Magazine's always-increasing repertoire, The Healthy Buttes is a monthly health column by The Butte family to answer questions to a health topic related to this month's theme.

Hi, the Butte family here! We're all feeling fantastic today, as usual. Right, gang?

RIGHT!!!

That's a nice simultaneous response! I'm Frank Butte and we'd like to welcome you to this month's column where we'll be talking about what, gang?

BREATHING!!!

Thanks guys, but before we get started. Let me introduce everybody. Starting with my beautiful wife!

Thanks, Frank. Well, I'm Sylvia. I love to exercise. I just quit smoking and since then I've been exercising every day eight times a day. I feel great! Really great! I just quit smoking! I feel GREAT!

Thanks, Sylvia! Next, let me introduce our three lovely adopted children. Say hello, Tammy!

Hi!

Say hello, Pammy!

Hi!

Say hello, Jammy!

I don't like my name.

Jammy...

Hi...

Attaboy! And last but not least is Elaine, Sylvia's mother.

HAPPY TO BE HERE! WOOO!

Elaine, why are you so excited?!

Well, me and my good friend Marge are planning to do a speed walk from Maine to Miami at the end of this month...or whenever she gets done fooling around with her husband's hot air balloon.

All right! Thanks, Elaine. Now, let's get down to it. There's just one thing we want to discuss today and that's breathing: how breathing can not only improve your health, but how improved breathing can do what, Sylvia?

Quit smoking! Uh...I mean, improve your life.

There we go. Now, we're going to focus on a simple exercise everybody can do. We really want to concentrate on taking deep breaths in and out. Let's try that everybody, shall we? In....and out....in....and out...

WOOOO!

Elaine!

Sorry. Just had to let it out!

Jesus...Anyway...you can do this whenever you feel stress. It helps lower your blood pressure... not to mention your stress. Isn't that great? I think I'll do that now. In...out...in...out...okay, I'm good now. Let's ask these incredibly cute kids in front of me to tell you about our other rule for healthy breathing. Tammy?

In through the nose!

Yep! Pammy?

Out through the mouth!

Right-O! Jammy?

I don't want to...

Ahem...Jammy?...

I don't want to...

Goddammit Jammy you better do this right. I can unsign those papers as quickly as I signed them and you're back to the Flominican Republic of Haiti or wherever you're from. You're the only one not pulling your weight around here and it's really starting to piss me off, do you understand me? So...Jammy?

In the nose...out the mouth...it's as easy as...

...ahem...

...as sauerkraut.

All right! Thank you, Jammy! Well, there you go! Thank you for joining us. We'll be back next month with another simple tip to improve your health. We're The Healthy Buttes and we hope you have a...what, gang?

BUTTE-TEE-FULL DAY!!!

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

2010-03-18T11:48:00.004-04:00

WOUNDS

Against:

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Great is the power of habit.

It teaches us to bear fatigue and to despise wounds and pain.

For:

Margaret Fuller

It seems that it is madder never to abandon one's self than often to be infatuated; better to be wounded, a captive and a slave, than always to walk in armor.

Marcus Tullius Cicero was a 1st century B.C.E poet, philosopher and stand-up Roman citizen. Margaret Fuller was an American intellectual and transcendentalist. Although they disagreed on the nature of pain, both willingly took on the wounds associated with the backlash against unpopular positions.

THE LIST

2010-03-17T09:00:00.007-04:00

Jackass had a successful run. A popular MTV show for two years, numerous DVDs, two movies, a large underground following and several imitators...but now? Well, Johnny Knoxville's doing okay, but the rest of the cast...well...what are they going to do now that they don't have to staple their nuts to their legs and jump into vats of putrefying organs or shit in hardware store toilets or assault their parents? With that in mind, this month The List presents

5 Shows (Besides Porn) Jackass Extras Can Cash In On, Now That Their Fame Is Winding Down

1. Cussing Around The World

Steve-O will learn the most offensive words in a new language every week, then walk around in the country of this learned language saying rude phrases to random people, smiling like an idiot and awaiting the beating of a lifetime. Shortly afterward, Wee-Man will kick him in the testicles.

2. The Library

Preston Lacy, Jackass' heaviest character, will make it his goal to go to the bathroom as many times as he can during the day. He'll discuss writings as various as the New York Times, USA Today and Tolstoy's War and Peace. At the end of the discussion, he will take a Polaroid picture of his feces and adhere it to Johnny Knoxville's head with superglue, who will subsequently rip the photo off.

3. Viva La Bam

In this relaunch of Bam Margera's highly popular MTV series, he deals with the evaporation of all his money on outrageous stunts used to destroy his parents' home in the series' last incarnation. Each episode, he does things such as search CareerBuilder.com, eat fried eggs for every meal and thumb through the local community college class catalog as he considers moving out of his parents' house.

4. Extreme Literature

Each week, Ryan Dunn has a serious conversation with guest literary scholars concerning American, British and classical literature. Each episode features a lesson in Latin for viewers as they and Ryan read through the Aeneid together in its native tongue. There is also an open-forum where Ryan will answer questions from interested viewers until Wee-Man enters and kicks him in the testicles and Chris Pontius humps the guests while wearing a loin cloth.

5. Looking For Himself

A journey across the world in a small Dakota truck with Raab Himself discussing life, love and the meaning of existence as he searches the globe for someone to give him a normal name.

Or they can all just appear in the upcoming Jackass 3D movie. Which they will.

THE INFORMED OBSERVER

2010-03-15T20:00:00.000-04:00

Convenient Catastrophies

Natural Disasters and the Liberal Agenda to distract Americans from their country's certain destruction

Let me pause to apologize to my dedicated readership. These last few months have been painful for me. As you know, your Informed Observer is quite the traveler. After all, you've got stay in the loop as our high-dollar government cronies will go to far lengths to avoid being caught in their late-night trysts on the people's dollar or lounging with Communist dictators to get that extra bit of support for a time share in Tehran. My plan was a simple trip. First to Haiti, then Taiwan and top it off with a trip to Chile. Well, it turned out to be the worst decision since I bought tickets to see the Dixie Chicks.

Yours truly was in bed for nearly three months, but I knew I had to get back on my feet. There's something I've got to tell you and regardless of what that naggy bra-burner on the rag (a,k,a The ManSOGYNIST) has to say about me...YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET INFORMED.

Listen, it occurred to me as I was convalescing at my abode in an undisclosed location that this string of earthquakes was happening at a very interesting time in the history of America. Anybody? Obamacare (or, as I like to call it, a big FAT check to your doctor and your left nut so your neighbor can get a boob job covered by her insurance) is on the docket and it interested me. So, I did a little research.

In the preamble to HELL-lary Clinton's big push for uni-health care in the early 90s, Florida was rocked by Hurricane Andrew. Thousands of people without homes, hundreds of people without lives.

In 2006, as the Democractic Party was taking control of the government, the country was slammed by Hurricanes Beryl, Gordon, Alberto and Ernesto. Floods, chaos and destruction within a time when most people should be celebrating the fall harvest.

I think you can see where I'm going with this, reader.

It isn't hard to see the liberal bastards are knockin at the door and the won't let up until everyone who disagrees with their totalitarian politics is dead on the floor - WILL YOU, YOU BASTARDS?!

Sorry, reader. I need to take some more pain meds.

Vicodin, you are my friend. Oh yeah. That'll kick-in in just a moment. Anyway, if haven't caught wind of what I'm trying to elucidate and you can't read and you have trouble thinking (i.e. YOU'RE A LIBERAL), then let me spell it out for you:

C to the O-N-S to the S-P-I-R and a little bit of A-C-Y

CONSPIRACY! This ain't no theory, reader. Now, I'm not saying Clinton or Obama or Harry Reid caused these natural disasters (but I'm not saying it's impossible). I just find it interesting that they're pushing their agendas during a time when most people are trying to RE-ATTACH THEIR LIMBS!

Listen, reader, you can't predict earthquakes. That's true. But you can see hurricanes about three weeks in advance.

AND...

Once one earthquakes hits and another...you start wondering if maybe a third is on the way. Especially if you have at your disposal some of the supposedly top scientists in the nation (of course, these are the same guys who think global warming is real, so you might want to question that part of my assumption). But you can't knock the fact that all this is being pushed while everybody's minds (and body parts) are somewhere else.

Because right now, the liberal pansies are wondering, "Oh no, when's the next earthquake gonna happen? Is it gonna be in California? Am I gonna have to sell my yuppie wine valley and move back to my apartment in Greenwich Village?"

I hope you know I did that last quote in a high-pitched pre-pubescent voice.

Listen, I'm not tryin to create a culture of fear, but we really need a break here and we're not getting one. So, listen, this goes out to Barack Hussein Obama...put down your Koran for a moment and just listen. Stop with the BULL S-H-I-T and give us an R-E-S-T. You wanna pass your Communistic health care system? Do it when we're not so busy worrying about OTHER PEOPLE AND...

Oh wow. It kicked in. I'm kind of sleepy...

Anyway, Obama. You're a tool. People, listen up, if you really want to make a difference...oh, wow, this is incredible...anyway, people if you've got a right mind in you - and I DO MEAN RIGHT - then...oh, goodness...

...you know what, I don't care...I mean...I care...but, you know, Obama? He's...he's okay...he's the antichrist and all...but, you know, oh man...I'm just gonna lie down...and, wow, did this say Vicodin? I don't think...anybody else want some of this?

Anyway, fight the power, educate yourself and...whatever...

EDITOR'S NOTE

2010-03-07T23:33:00.000-05:00

Gone with the Wind

by Nick Hilbourn

The past is like a September breeze to me.

Nostalgia, youth, electricity, excitement - it's all wrapped up in the brisk cut of a fresh autumnal breeze blowing through a September day.

It's the same breeze I remember coating a Friday night at football games. The same breeze that drenched my hometown's fall festival. The same breeze that encircled me on my birthday. The same breeze at the beginning of the school year when I had so much hope for myself ("This year...a girlfriend!" or "This year, I'll pass math.").

What does the breeze carry that does this to me?

I find it appropriate that wind has two separate meanings: the circulation of air and the turning motion used in anything from fastballs to alarm clocks. It's the juxtaposition of air and alarm clocks that gets me. Winding back a clock, winding one forward. We're on the verge of Daylight Savings Time and this concept of breeze brings to mind what mechanisms in our experience of reality are those which wind our clock back to certain experiences. What brings me back to this central experience of September, of fall?

I often catch myself lost in this and must shake myself from it. Nostalgia, I've come to feel, is not good for the soul when one lives within it. But with the wind, there's a chance to experience something beyond nostalgia; at least, for me there is. When it comes - the September wind - and I'm unaware on a bench or walking down the street, there is an experience of no-thought. I'm caught unaware and just before I have time to formulate a thought to pigeonhole this particular experience, there is a moment of freedom.

Freedom from the restraining confession of time which puts onto roads heading north toward the unknown depths of the deep blue myseries of the soon-to-be. I find release in wind because it's not something I can bottle and experience at my whim. I have to wait to be found by it. A patience in the comforting wisdom of God, of this existence that I am loved by something I know not.

Wind, no wonder, has been called the essence, the spirit of being. When it hits me, I feel truly alive.

SURVIVAL TIPS

2010-03-04T14:32:00.002-05:00

Hot Air Balloons

with Marge Capella

Hellooooooo, there!

Ha, ha! I'm so excited to be taking you up in Ernie's hot air balloon. You know, he rarely gives me a chance to operate this. Thinks I'm too high-strung to be attentive to every detail of course he's just blabbin on because doesn't want to admit that I might be better than he is!

Ha ha!

Old Ernie. I love him, but sometimes you just gotta put your foot down, am I right, gals?

Ha ha! Yes ma'ams!

Now, you're probably wonderin why I'm firing this hot as heck'll do ya flame up into this air balloon here. Marge, yer probably sayin, yer gonna burn the whole thing down!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!

WOOO!

Oh, dontcha worry there. It's all part of the process. You see, these things here need to be lifted to a certain height before you can shut off the flame. If you do it before that then...PLOP! OOP! WOOPSY DOOPSY! Ya ain't goin anywhere!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!

OH! WOOOO! Ha ha!

We're havin fun now!

I gotta tell ya it feels good to be up here. Ya know, Ernie's a lovable guy and he's the kinda thing I need, but sometimes he's just too uptight! Ya know, sometimes I just wanna dance around the house, jump on the table and LET LOOSE!

WOOO! Keep the fire burnin! That's right, just push the switch. We're gonna go to the moon! OW! WOOOO!

Wow! Wouldya look at all that stuff down there. Like a little Lego set. Just like our kids usedta play with. Oh! What a life! I'm sorry. I just gotta dance.

Oh yeaaah! WOOOO! I'm so glad Ernie's not here. He'd never let me dance on the edge of the basket like this.

Whoa! Almost lost my footing. It's all good. Do you remember the Mashed Potato?! Maybe it's before your time. Well, let's see if they can see me doin the Mashed Potato from up here. Hey, world! Look at Marge! I'm basically dancin in the wind! WOOO! Yeah! And...oh...oooh...oh shit...grab my hand. Can you? Please?

Oh, I'm losing my grip and -

WIND SPOTTING

2010-03-02T21:03:00.001-05:00

WIND

2010-03-01T17:11:00.000-05:00

The invisible force as light as a breeze or as powerful as a hurricane. It brings relief on a hot day or destroys an entire trailer park in Nebraska.

Wind. The wind as we know it is caused by differences in pressure, the rotation of the planet and the temperature. For a good part of human history, it was used to power trade and exploration. It has been used (and is continuing to be used) for energy and its knowledge is a necessity for any athlete who works with (or against) it.

Its destructive nature comes not just from tornadoes, hurricanes and typhoons, but in sand storms which halted the North African Campaign during World War II. It also powered hot air balloons and was behind the beginning of the pursuit of human flight.

In ancient times, it was essential to existence as one of the four elements.

In English though, wind has another meaning. The winding of a clock or a music box initiates forward motion either in time or music. A baseball player winds up a pitch, a guitar player winds up a string, a person can "wind up" in a place or situation after a series of fortunate (or unfortunate) events.

This dual nature of wind as a force independent of human nature and a verb enacted by human beings could say as much about the language as it could about the possible essence of our existence. What does it mean to have a force so strong it could destroy countrysides (as in the volcanic winds and smoke which overtook Pompeii), yet something which can be created by blowing air through the lips?

It's a most puzzling paradigm and we look forward to exploring it with you in this month's ERGO.

REJECTED IDEAS

2010-02-28T23:58:00.004-05:00

Human Vs.
Earthquake
(Key Difference: We both got cracks...ah ha ha ha ha ha....oh my GOD...that was incredible...ha...cracks...)

Pop Roots
101 Ways To Make Checkers MORE Dangerous

Informed Observer
Reckless Parenting: Watching Out For Baby In A Dangerously PC World
(Number One Mistake: Hiring fat babysitters could increase the risk of your sweet angel being sat on by a self-righteous tubbo)

Survival Tips
Putting Women In Their Place
with Chris Brown

THE LIST

2010-02-28T13:08:00.001-05:00

You've gotten to the top, surpassed the multitudes of individuals striving to make it on the silver screen and now you can sit back on your hind legs and let the money roll in. Sure, you could do that, or you could have some aesthetic respect and try to make your mark on the world - and do that you'll need a little bit of R-I-S-K. This month on The List, we look at

5 Celebrities Who Could Afford To Be More Reckless

1. Keanu Reeves

It's not to say that Keanu Reeves doesn't have his reasons for being a little lax on risk. The man has endured multiple personal tragedies, including the death of a former lover pregnant with his child. Anybody would say nay to a little risk after that. Unfortunately, we all have to work and Reeves has been handed so many perfect movie roles, yet he has yet to transcend the mindless surfer persona. It was the public's first introduction to him and even though he has since taken on the brooding stranger archetype, it's time to let go of that trope and explore new territory. He's going from airhead mall rat to I-may-or-may-not-be-a-robot. It's time to reconvene and have a look at your options. And don't be afraid to step back into comedy, Keanu. It may be the smartest thing you've ever done.

2. Michael Cera

For the percentage of the population that enjoyed Superbad (of which we was one), Michael Cera's deadpan presentation (and maybe the fact that he plays bass) was a Millenial version of Vince Vaughn. He was awkward (SO awkward) and adorable (SO adorable), but what's left of Cera besides the smart-ass teenager? Does he have a another card in his deck? Current cinema experience is not in the affirmative as each movie is a recycled role of Evan of Superbad. Placing him together with Jack Black in Year One was poetic since both men have moderate music success and somewhat better movie film success playing the same role over and over. But Cera still has time before he becomes a niche actor (anybody remember Black's attempt to transcend this in The Holiday?...it wasn't pretty). What he needs to work with is a really crazy actor such as Sean Penn or Viggo Mortensen to shock his ass out of compliance to the media machine.

3. Tyler Perry

Who knew we'd one day have an African American president and black congressmen and women? And who knew that one day a black filmmaker would achieve ubiquitous success by recycling the same story line over and over until his name came to mean not a shorthand for an art noveau film emerging from the an underground minority movement, but a successful multimedia tool for Bible meetings? Tyler Perry is ubiquitous because he writes movies about what the media thinks black people are like (or thinks they should be like?). He's easy to digest and maybe that's

what's so depressing. Easily digestible is the key definition of low art. Perry has a large fanbase and an amazing talent, but he settles for simple endings. The real beauty of art is that it leaves us conflicted and asks us to make a decision. Perry only does what people expect him to do, which is fine but with everything that has happened in the country in the past decade, don't you think there's an America outside of continuous church revivals?

4. Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald's high period in the mid to late 90s was filled with risky shots at top notch celebrities. It was rumored he was fired from SNL for repeatedly (and unapologetically) calling SNL producer Don Ohlmeyer's friend O.J. Simpson a murderer and on several occasions he pissed Barbara Walters off by stating (usually conservative and usually faux) political views. He repeatedly took (sometimes playful) swings at other comedians and comedy shows, but has now resigned himself to a comedy CD and stand-up. Maybe it's selfish reasons, but one thinks MacDonald has much more potential than to sit on his haunches and dick around with a system that longs for an anti-celebrity like himself. Dirty Work was raunchy and not artistic in any sense but certainly MacDonaldesque in the best way. The time has come for him to return to his caustic, infinitessimally ironic behavior, to start punching at the powerful people again. In a generation which is nothing but ironic, it would be quite welcome.

5. Jim Carrey

Men in their fifties sometimes buy sports cars or go on trips around the world to renew their purpose in life. Jim Carrey has done a wide spectrum of films and received critical acclaim for many of them. So, why does he need to take a risk? Because Carrey is falling back to easy roles. Ace Ventura's manic slapstick and rubber faces was where he broke through and this type of humor is what he reverted to in the most recent Yes Man. He (perhaps essentially) seems to believe himself to be a comedian and not an actor. The Number 23 was an incredibly dark role and seemed a magnificent road for Carrey to descend down, but he has retreated from such movies. What he needs is a role which is evil, a character to divorce himself from the end of the spectrum he falls into (comedy/sappy romance). After all, what's more terrifying than the clown who kills people?

THE LOST PAGES

2010-02-23T23:19:00.001-05:00

Rabies

by Gerard Manley Hopkins

Thou art the lion of God with bristled burnt bear hide:

Thy furrowed brow, the headdress of thee boary stallion,

Mouth girdled with frothy soap which bubbles as the sea,

Thou shape curved as hills caped in autumn.

Night made thee, yet thou have made this night

For me, thou art a fearsome presence, bound to this

Empty alley of silver lined bin and muddied earth

Grim home of forgotten things, which hands have dropped.

Did God make thee monster to arise the fear forsaken

Long ago forbeared to day and sunlight, to clarity

And have I turned from thee O dark? Shall I be

Wound by wet teeth and maddened by bedeviled syrup?

Thou art the bear of God! the night of mine soul!

But thou art more than my soul, for thou bite

Is more feared then all demons, for Thou art the world's

wrath unhinged; night! But this stick in hand - O bear! - is God's wrath

OUTSIDE INFORMATION

2010-02-17T22:58:00.000-05:00

The Beautiful Ugly
Tithonus and The Myth of the Return of the Reckless Rising Star

Maybe Bob Dylan is to blame for getting us in this mess. Or, even further, perhaps it's Jack Kerouac. Or Jack London. Or even Mark Twain. Twain's Innocents Abroad formed the wandering vagabond into an archetype of gentility. The lone soldier who wanders the nation or globe in search of the great Something.

Well, someone has to be blamed for the uniquely American aesthetic of the common explorer, reckless to the bone with life in order to squeeze every bit of vitality out of existence. It's the foundation behind the classic trope in book, film and music. Most recently it's found root in pop cinema with the success of The Wrestler and Crazy Heart: two films which share a common hero who has squandered life with a reckless existence befitting the trade they are consumed by.

It sounds like a VH1 Behind The Music. This is what we (Americans, at least) love to hear: one can consume oneself with the moment, fall hard and yet return to the former glory once had and lost as a result of negligence. It sounds like a working class theory of reincarnation. Except what it is, more directly, is the classic American myth of eternal youth. The quest which brought Ponce de Leon to Florida's shores over five hundred years ago still consumes us. Yet, this goes further than the Fountain which never was or Twain or even anything in our European ancestors.

This is the myth of Tithonus, the classic story of the tragic hope of eternal youth. It's what we all really want. Immortality is nothing without the option to enjoy. The myth (if you're a little rusty on your Greek, as I am usually - I looked up the full thing on Google) features Tithonus, a man in love with Eos, goddess of the dawn. Eos asked for eternal life for Tithonus (which he gladly accepted, of course.) But when he began growing older, shedding the beauty she fell in love with, she realized a terrible mistake in her request: the desire for immortality is a metaphor for the longing for eternal youth, to remain in the moment forever.

The Wrestler features professional wrestler, The Ram, long removed from his 80s glory days. He colors his graying hair to blonde, he takes steriods to maintain his once virile appearance and speaks in the lingo of two decades ago. He lives in the 80s when he enters the ring, but starves on the outside world where the 00s are slowly consuming him. Crazy Heart is the story of Bad Blake, who has chosen country music as his consuming muse. He lives out on the stage, consumed by the accumulated spirit of decades of performance which set him (like The Ram, when he's in the ring) unconscious of the passing world until it brutally slaps him in the face. To fight it there's alcohol, drugs and women - none of which or whom last long.

Yet, at the end we see both these characters transcend their circumstances. They do not transcend time, but still manage to return to the moment to which they have always longed to return. Even though in these two movies, the characters return (or are inferred to return) to their former circumstances. We want to live out of that dream, that we can return to a former glory.

They are Tithonus. Their Eos is not Magge Gyllenhall or Marissa Tomei, though; it is country music or professional wrestling - the being which once promised them (at least, they believe it promised them) eternal youth. It forsake them as they grew older, but has returned to them.

In the myth, Eos - disheartened by the tragic result of her decision - eventually transforms Tithonus (who loses the use of all his limbs and sits in potential eternal unhappiness) into a grasshopper.

In The Wrestler The Ram forsakes fate (which hints that he may die if he continues performing at his age and condition) and embraces the Eos, which may in fact kill him. In Crazy Heart, Bad Blake is returned to his former existence, a weekend evening performer, after having a brief shine in the spotlight.

They both become grasshoppers, small whispers on the face of the earth.

More or less, this is the common embrace of the Tithonus myth. It can go forward (as in Big) or backward (as in 17 Again). But these movies are not embraced with the fervency of movies wherein the main character is a rough neck who has recklessly driven his life off-course by living in the moment, yet receives a universal redemption, a chance to live the moment one more time.

Why is it these characters we love? Why do these characters inspire in us a deep love and catharsis in their "success" at the end of the movie?

Perhaps the clue is in "Tithonus", Alfred Lord Tennyson's dedication to the myth.

"I earth in earth forget these courts,/ And thee returning on thy silver wheels"

Perhaps it is a myth we live in as well. A myth that if we could have just one more chance to live our youth again that we would be content with it. That we would set things right. That all things would be returned to their perfect state (Back To The Future is a perfect example of this myth; we live out this desire vicariously through Marty McFly).

But these movies as well as the American ruffian hint that this cannot be the case, neither the circumstances nor the mindset.

Time hurts, but if it didn't hurt we wouldn't know the beauty of pain. The beauty of forsaking the desire to return things as they were, to change the moments that brought us to the present moment. It is tough to admit, but there are always things we would change, there are always places we would want to go, circumstances we would like to have escaped from.

But we would always long to alter just one more moment.

Ironically, this ruffian tells us that perfection is not just impossible, but wrong. To live a life of reckless abandon (whether it is done in the style of a picaro on the margin of society or the suburbanite who simply wishes to relive certain moments and do them just a bit differently) is life and even the mistakes (and regrets) must be embraced.

EDITOR'S NOTE

2010-02-14T15:04:00.008-05:00

LUCILLE CLIFTON (June 27, 1936 – February 13, 2010)

Her gift had inadvertently made her a constant throughout my life. Wherever I went, her name seemed to follow, spouting from grade school teachers, slapped against the spine of recommended reading assignments, or floating on my TV screen. She was the voice of my home, Poet Laureate of Maryland, and her book, Everett Anderson's Goodbye, was read to me so many times it became an institution of my youth.

I can't claim to have known her - that wouldn't be fair to the people she loved - but I met her once and she changed my life. Lucille Clifton taught me how to be reckless with a pen, to write about the things many of us dare not mention. Her work explored race, abortion and death, those little intricacies that comprise the spectrum of the human condition. She stared into the fathoms unflinching and retrieved bold pieces of truth. I hope to do the same, taking chances and writing with risk.

Thank you, Ma'am.

Your Homeboy,

Donald E. W. Quist

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

2010-02-12T11:09:00.000-05:00

Youth

For:
Hesiod

I see no hope for the future of our people
if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today,
for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words.
When I was a boy,
we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders,
but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.

Against:
Mimnermus

Short-lived is treasured youth,
like a dream.
And soon the painful and ugly old age
looms above our heads,
hated and despised alike,
takes over men deforming and making them unrecognizable,
damaging the sight, and mind.

Hesiod, the author of Theogony and Works and Days, was a Greek oral poet believed to have lived around 8th century B.C. Mimnermus was a Greek elegiac poet most famous for his erotic love elegies, mostly written to a flute player named Nanna. Both men were, at one time, young.

EDITOR'S NOTE

2010-02-08T11:33:00.000-05:00

Rhythm Nation
by Nick Hilbourn

I don't believe I've lived a particularly reckless life.

I've never been addicted to any drug except caffeine and I've never committed a federal offense (unless you count peeing against the side of post office when I was in elementary school). Yet, I've noticed that certain elements of my life are slipshod, out of place. My emotions (or lack thereof) and my wandering mind have always gotten me into trouble. Reining them in hasn't exactly worked. Often, I don't feel in control of myself or mind. In fact, they feel like two separate entities and maybe they are, but I need them to work together. They just won't. Or, it seems they can't.

What is the fifth element I'm missing within me? What is the secret ingredient that makes everything run smoothly, that (to be blunt) would make me "happy"?

When I say "happy", I mean something else. I don't know if happiness is something that can be achieved, rather something that can be recognized. I believe we need sadness alongside happiness to differentiate between the two (of course, I'm a bit of a melancholic so perhaps this is the reason I say this). But, again, I'm not talking about happiness. It's satisfaction, contentment that I'm referring to. Those are things I think you need in life.

I've talked to homeless people, rich people, vagabonds and late-night convenience store clerks who have all been content. They have it. You can tell because you feel it when you're with them.

I feel like that thing is rhythm.

Rhythm is what keeps us from tumbling into oblivion. Rhythm is what you lose when you delve into addiction of any sort. Of course, addiction is also a sort of rhythm. So, maybe I'm referring to healthy rhythm, a self-actualizing rhythm. And I don't mean routine. Rhythm can sometimes give that impression. Rhythm is not routine. Routine is elevator music, but rhythm is a dance beat; the kind that sticks in your head days after; or a song that you heard years ago that brings you back to equanimity with the first note, the first beat.

It's something you both create and awake into.

What I want is rhythm. Even more, what I want is to want rhythm.

SURVIVAL TIPS

2010-02-05T19:06:00.000-05:00

Sharks

with Ernie Dewayne Glubbs

I'm not goin in the water.
There's stupid sharks in there and I don't care what Dad says I'm not goin in the water.
You don't believe me? 67 people are killed by sharks EVERY year. I looked it up on the internet. I'm not bein killed by a stupid shark.
Besides, I didn't even want to come to Florida. It's so stupid. There's no good LAN connection for Warcraft and I've almost got enough experience points to move up to a level 6. So, basically, it's all going to waste so my parents can get away from the snow.
This is so stupid.
I don't wanna be here.
There's nothing to do except stare at the water and watch the sharks swim around. I told Mom there were sharks and she said "No, there's no sharks" but I told her there was. I said if they go swimming they're gonna get eaten by a shark. They're really pale and I said that's what sharks love are shiny things and since they're really pale the sharks are gonna think they're an earring or something and eat them. That's what I read on the internet.
Yesterday, Dad tried to get me to go play putt-putt, but I didn't wanna go. So, he told me there was an Atlanta Bread Company with an internet connection. So I went, but it was, like, the processing speed of a turtle and it took ten minutes just to bring your e-mail up. It was so stupid.
You can't play Warcraft with that kind of processing speed.
So, there was nothing to do and I played stupid Putt-Putt.
Dad beat me. I knew he would. It took me, like, ten minutes to get the first hole done and Dad even tried to do it for me. I know when I'm being pandered to. It took forever to finish the game. And it was hot, too. We went out for ice cream after which was cool, but then he tried to get me to tell him about what was goin on in school but I didn't want to.
I hate this stupid place. I wish I was back in Ohio in front of my computer.
My parents won't even believe me about the sharks. Well, fine. I hope they get eaten. Both of them.
I think I see one now anyway...

Oh wait, that's a boat.

I hate this place.

EDITOR'S NOTE

2010-02-03T21:26:00.000-05:00

Good Advice
by Justin Johnson

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
- Baz Luhrmann
Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

There's no better way to say it.

RECKLESS SPOTTING

2010-02-02T14:26:00.001-05:00

RECKLESS

2010-02-01T17:00:00.005-05:00

Life is reckless. Each day, each hour is a moment of nearly endless possibilities for destruction. To even step out of the door is, in a sense, reckless.
Time is reckless. The advent of quantum theory and the relativity theory has shown time to be a construct of one's place in the universe. It goes slow as it goes fast.
The universe, entropy, colliding stars and cars, all of it (even existence itself) can be reckless.

And what is reckless? It is acting without caution, without concern for your or others' safety, as if there were no consequences.

In this issue, reckless is being confronted not only as a negative but also a positive attribute.
After all, revolutions are reckless. Gandhi was reckless. Those who go to war and those who rail against it are all reckless in their own sense. Those who subvert the system as well as those who remain true to a certain system in spite of rebellion are reckless.

Pop culture is an animal which embraces the reckless while simultaneously rejecting it. One may admire the work of destruction of the music industry monopoly via music piracy, but argue against the industry's retreat to singles rather than full albums as a lowering of artistic standards. Both are two sides of the same coin. Reckless can make us confront and, perhaps, acknowledge the subtle contradictions within our beliefs.

As we look at reckless in this issue, we will look at how the danger of our society is confronted and interpreted as well as how the apathy or aversion to the reckless is understood.

Do third world countries live in a reckless society or is it us? Is a reckless country only dangerous within itself or to the world outside itself? Can the same question be asked for people, for trends? Could "frightened" be an antonym for reckless? Is reckless without fear or a disregard of it?

Is our Western concept of the hero reputable or reckless?

We hope you join us this issue as we tackle the reckless within our world.

REJECTED IDEAS

2010-01-31T13:07:00.003-05:00

HUMAN VS.
A Bud Light can
with special guest Britney Spears

SURVIVAL TIPS
Chicken Scroggin' with Montgomery "Shiny Top" Burton

RECIPE OF THE MONTH
Razor Blade Filled Chocolates Repackaged To Look Like Chocolates Without Razor Blades In Them
with Pee Wee Herman

THE LOST PAGES
The Importance of Being Shiny
with Truman Capote

HUMAN VS.

2010-01-26T22:37:00.000-05:00

Flashlight

Human beings and flashlights have become intimately connected by a single phenomenon: light. Without light, there is no need for anyone to wave a plastic stick around in a dark area. It is light which binds us together, so it is our relationship to light which will be the point of comparison.

To start the discussion, let us define a flashlight as a handheld object which provides artificially-generated light. A flashlight can come in all sizes, from a keychain to a Mag Light, and even a bit larger. Next, let's define a flashlight's relationship to light.

Flashlights find their reason for existence in light. They are a descendant of the common light bulb, of the filament and electrical charge. As a holistic entity, flashlights provide their own light with the aid of batteries which provide the electrical charge. Flashlights have no need for light. Actually, they have no choice but to give light when prompted. A flashlight's light is helpful but not all-encompassing. It only provides light in the direction it is pointed. The design and size of the flashlight always determines how much light it can provide.

Human beings and light are intimately connected. We cannot survive without light. Our light comes from the sun and we cannot generate it on our own. Without light, we would not receive many essential vitamins, among them Vitamin E. Light has been the source of fascination for centuries for health, aesthetic and religious reasons. Humans have recognized light as a synonym of realization and insight as well as goodness. Nearly all religions use light as a symbol of holiness. Color is also generated by light which is of much importance to humans for utilitarian as well as aesthetic reasons.

Finding common ground seems fruitless so far. Flashlights find their purpose in providing light while humans sustain their existence by light. It seems the two are at two different ends of the spectrum. Is there any characteristic the two share?

Human beings created flashlights. Even more so, human beings created artificial light. Although we cannot live (at least not healthily) without natural light, we could function without it. The light in which flashlights find their raison d'etre is actually the light of our creation. The flashlight's reason for being is, so to say, an artificial one. As artificial is, it is. The flashlight is somewhat of an imitation of the nature of artificial light.

Then, are human beings an imitation of light?

In a way, yes.

Human beings, when exposed to proper amounts of natural light generate a wide assortment of colors; colors which are made possible as a phenomena of light. Light is both a wave and a particle. Humans are also a paradoxical dual being, generating both violent and peaceful actions. Humans have also based their circadian rhythms around what they perceived to be the rhythm of light. Although the sun doesn't really set, humans perceive it to do so and have structured their waking and sleeping rhythms with its rise and fall.

Human beings, when the majority of their light is artificial, can become pallid in skin color and grow ill (as a result of a lack of important nutrients and vitamins received from light). Whereas natural light possesses all seven colors in the spectrum, artificial light has three colors as well as ultra violet and infra-red radiation - all in excess with the ultra violet and infra-red rays in possibly harmful doses.

In relation to natural light, flashlights have no purpose and are rendered useless.

They relationship here, it appears, is inverse.

Flashlights find meaning in artificial light and no meaning in natural light. Humans find little meaning in artificial light (and could become sick from overexposure), while natural light is necessary for their survival.

As useful as flashlights are to us, we're on completely different paths. They are, in fact, as a substitute for a natural night vision which we seemed to have lost (or lost confidence in) long ago. The relationship between them and us is zilch.

THE LOST PAGES

2010-01-24T09:42:00.000-05:00

Goblets

with Ayn Rand

The goblet is not a feudal instrument.
Although goblets were used during earlier governmental institutions inferior to capitalism, they are an essential aspect to capitalism.
Those who view the goblet as a symbol of self-aggrandizement and arrogance are fair to say so. The goblet is not a cup. A cup is sufficient to drink liquid from. Using a goblet, one can drink a sufficient amount of liquid, leaving enough to pour upon the ground in blatant wastefulness.

Is this cruel?

Of course, mankind is cruel by nature. Those who decry this remark obviously ignore the millennia of cruelty man has done to one another. The fruitless attempt to indulge in a pursuit for benevolence and brotherly love is shown by the ruthlessness with which man approaches others. Man is not a moral creature, but is immoral by nature. The noble ideal (and it is noble) to achieve tranquility among all humans is not with the race of man in mind.

Man is imperfect and evil.

This, in itself, can be depressing to those who value man's so-called "goodness". In this instant, it is good to reach for a goblet. Anything can be inside of a goblet. A liquid is best, but if one wishes to place gold inside the goblet it can be done. This is the basic precept upon which the United States of America was founded: individual rights. Even though man is evil, he can respect the right of other men to put what they wish in their goblets.

Those who disagree with goblets have the right to do so as well. They can enjoy a mere sufficient amount of liquid from a small cup. They can join the Peace Corps and try to save the world. They can recycle.

It is all useless, of course. Man has made no moral progress for the thousands of years he has sought to do so. Those who would long to become one among the countless martyrs who have tried to change this can do so.

Those who would choose to rest in reality can sit back and have a nice sip from their diamond studded goblet.

BIT LIT

2010-01-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

Ambition: Thy Name Is Sunshine
The ballsiest Mario ever

In the fall of 2002, Nintendo elated fans by releasing Super Mario Sunshine, the sequel to the highly-lauded Super Mario 64. This was Mario's next step, a push to a more thorough experience, the one that would lead them all into the future of 3D platforming.

So why, then, do gamers look back at it and say, "Super Mario Sunshine? MEH."?

Some may argue that it changed the formula. Untrue. The hub world was still there. The portals were still there. The missions within those portals were still there, as were the number of missions. The game was largely the same thing as Super Mario 64, just prettier. Critics loved it, and it sold over 5 million copies. So why, nearly a decade later, is there so much hate?

Playing the game, one finds the answer:
Super Mario Sunshine is the most ambitious Mario game ever released.

The game did everything you're not supposed to do in a Mario game. The changes were numerous:

1. No Mushroom Kingdom
The game takes place on the remote Isle Delfino. Gone are the toads, and the goombas, and everything we've known before. You meet new enemies, and new characters call Piantas. Why so? Mario and Peach are taking a vacation. Simple enough. But as they land, they're met with opposition. The local police have spotted a supposed Mario spreading sludge around the utopian island. Which brings us to another departure:

2. Anonymous Enemy
You play through most of the game without even knowing what enemy you're fighting. All you know is an iridescent Mario clone is running around, ruining Isle Delfino by painting muck over environments and even citizens. Only deep into the game is the true enemy revealed. Then, there's another enemy. (Betcha can't guess who that is.)

3. No Power-Ups
No power mushrooms, no fire flowers, no capes. What? How are you supposed to survive? Meet FLUDD, a water gun. Seriously. For the first time, Mario was tied to his weapon. It could spray like a hose, provide lift like a jetpack, and even transform into a rocket or propeller. And it could talk. It added a shooter element to the Mario world, and this is probably the most controversial of all the new additions...unless you count when...

4. FLUDD Disappears?
There are random levels in the game where things go from open-world 3D with FLUDD to traditional Mario, hopping and jumping with deft timing through difficult platforming areas. Even worse? These levels had no floors. So a misstep led to death, every time. (This, it seems, would inspire large sections of the next game, Super Mario Galaxy.)

5. WTF Shines?
We had just decided to start collecting stars in Super Mario 64. Now we're collecting shines? And Shine Get! isn't even proper English.

As previously stated, the game was a huge hit commercially and critically. Gamers who have, for years, begged for innovation, now turn their noses up at the game that had the most originality of any Mario game released. In truth, though, the problem lies with canon. People feel there shouldn't be any break in the line of events, even though the series is nonlinear (because the same thing happens in every game. How you go about fixing the problem is different each time, but the story remains unchanged). The experience is jarring, and it does stick out when you think about the typical Mario game.

Running and jumping had become shooting and floating. Yoshi made his first 3D appearance (at least, in playable form), but that experience had been modified too. Everything we had been taught about Mario had been flipped onto its head. A small core group of people call it the worst Mario game ever made due to this departure, but in truth, it's the most ambitious franchise game yet, and it led to key elements of future Mario games. Plus, it's actually a fantastic game. The new location allowed Nintendo to craft whole new worlds based around completely new concepts. Canon didn't matter because it didn't have to. Had Super Mario Sunshine taken place in some tropical section of the Mushroom Kingdom, there would have been no innovation. No stars? Of course not! The Shines are the Piantas' version of stars. The fact that there was mystery to our enemy kept us guessing, and FLUDD actually let you explore the world without simply pressing A to jump, as you always had before.

Super Mario Sunshine gets unfairly hated on because it experimented; but the truth is, experimenting isn't bad. Without experimenting, there would have been no Super Mario 2. There wouldn't have even been Super Mario Bros. We've been playing video games for so long that we get caught up in what video games are "supposed" to be. If video games were supposed to simply stay with what we've known, we would have permanently turned off our systems years ago. The reality is this: The experiments are the ones that shine.

POP CULTURE FACEOFF

2010-01-12T21:23:00.002-05:00

Two presidents concealing a chronic medical illness in fear that the stigma associated with their condition may cause the nation to question their leadership. Though only one of them actually served as Commander and Chief, the similarities between Josiah Bartlett (Martin Sheen) and Ronald Reagan, are as great as their vastly different political views. But who was the better President?

It's time for a FACEOFF!!!

Round 1: Foreign Policy

BARTLET

Acting under the belief that America has a moral responsibility to police the world, Bartlet was a perpetual meddler. His proclivity for interventionism succeed in pissing off numerous world leaders. While he did manage to negotiate a historic agreement between Israeli-Palestinians, "solving" the Middle-East conflict proved costly, committing billions of dollars and thousands of American soldiers to playing peacekeeper. He also called for the assassination of a Qumari diplomat in Season 3, Episode 22.

REAGAN
When the Cold War started to escalate, Reagan and his administration made moves that neutralized the USSR. By increasing the firepower of the American military he lured the Soviet Union into an arms race. They closed the weapons gap by crushing their own economy. As a result Russia was forced to curb their hatred for the western world and modern capitalism. Reagan, brought about an end to the Cold War.

WINNER
Ronald Reagan"Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history whose last pages even now are being written."
Ouchies.

Round 2: Intelligence

BARTLET
Scoring a 1590 on his SAT's (back when that meant something) he was accepted to Yale but decided instead to attend the University of Notre Dame. He graduated Summa Cum Laude with a Bachelor's in American Studies. Later he got his Masters and his PH.D. in Economics from the London School of Economics. After receiving tenure from Dartmouth College, learning how to speak four languages and winning a Nobel Laureate, he then served three terms as United States House Representative for New Hampshire.

REAGAN
He once said, "Facts are stupid things," and was nicknamed "The Gipper."

WINNER
Josiah BartlettFacts aren't stupid.

Round 3: Experience

...
Well, one of them is real and served as governor of California for over 8 years, the other is a fictional character created by Aaron Sorkin
...

DRAW Aaron Sorkin is a hell of a writer.

RESULTS

WINNER

Ronald Reagan
Elected president at the age of 69, this guy took a bullet to the chest his first year in office, and survived. He's like 50 Cent, only better. Reagan was a certified bad-ass, spouting off truisms and approaching his presidency with the same swagger he would a movie role. So "Reaganomics" benefited the rich rather than the poor. He was friends with the rich! That's not bad leadership, that's loyalty. Screw Iran-Contra, Reagan's administration was laying the foundation for an American empire. All the manipulation, and the Commi-criticism, and the bloodshed of third-world innocents, was done out of love for his country and a desire to see a new century where America took its place as the supreme superpower. Hail to the Chief.

SHINY SPOTTING

2010-01-12T21:08:00.001-05:00

Night Court - Burger and Fries - Watch more Funny Videos

SHINY SPOTTING

2010-01-07T13:54:00.001-05:00

Method "Shiny Suds" from Cherilyn Anderson on Vimeo.

POP ROOTS

2010-01-06T17:00:00.001-05:00

Struggle For Illumination
90s music and the journey toward the light

While many are preparing for a look back at the 00s and a reflection on what it has brought to the music world (and culture in general), it is best to begin that journey with an examination of the soil out of which 00s music and culture grew. The 90s, a decade despised by some and heralded by others, is the progenitor of all things in the 00s whether people like or dislike it. And what were the 90s? This post will examine (in a very truncated format, but mostly through the medium of popular music) the 90s as a struggle toward and ultimate failure to reach light. And what that might mean.

The 90s' inchoate years are actually run-off (as the beginning of any decade is) from the previous decade. It was an accumulation of the bipolar nature of the 80s: big spending, high highs...followed by big deficits and low lows. MC Hammer was part of the remaining tendrils of that era. His flashy suits, parachute pants and curious choreography are considered tacky elements of an ignorant era in popular music. Yet, he was actually a portent of the change that would take place in hip hop mid-decade (with Puff Daddy and his Bad Boy empire). He was also a frivolous spender, a supernova whose shows were bigger than life and quite expensive. His final tour was so expensive it ran out of money half way through. Two years into the decade his flashy, imperative style of music was quickly washed out, literally and figuratively.

It wasn't just MC Hammer, though. New Kids On The Block were the precursors to the boy band phenomenon. Their crisp, clean vocals (as well as nice, new suits) enveloped everything that the 90s nostalgically wished to carry over from the hey-day of the previous decade. They were newness incarnate. They were all white as well, a white-washed harmonious sound and crisp choreography (similar to MC Hammer's production) which engulfed tweens. Meanwhile, soaring stadium rock still had its foot in the door, and let's not forget that the early 90s were the short-lived era of Vanilla Ice.

Yet, cultural change was on the horizon. The Persian Gulf War and the rise in taxes during the first Bush administration brought domestic and international turmoil to America's doorstep. To add to this, the 1992 LA Race Riots slammed Americans in the face with the undulating racial problem still unresolved and stoked by the Rodney King verdict. These things may have been the catalyst for the rise of alternative music, an antithesis to a music world a growing minority of musicians felt wasn't representing the rough underlining of American culture.

And so came the darkness: grunge music which retaliated against the plasticity of modern rock/glam rock carry-overs from the 80s, with Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Sonic Youth being the major names. It was a revolt similar to Bob Dylan's rise as an antithetical pop star in the 60s. These bands were DIY and in some cases there wasn't much D to IY. Yet, this was the point. A melancholic punk philosophy that anguished over the macabre fabric which (as they saw it) was the reality of the world revealed when the veil of the 80s was torn away. There also came gangsta rap. While the 80s had groups and individuals with lyrical bite, the early 90s witnessed the rise of N.W.A. which popularized a style pioneered in the early 80s; yet, it reached widespread popularity only in the early 90s. This exactly correlated with the Race Riots.
Suppressed anger and rage emerging finally? Freud would have a field day with it.

It would get much darker. Other groups which passed under the radar in the 80s such as Soundgarden and Schooly D reached a greater audience. They produced a plethora of imitators and the early 90s were suddenly covered in a cynical world view which postmodernism had already been working at for years dismantling the idea of truth and structure. Music/culture was just reflecting this and it all was an aspect of quantum theory: the world is a collection of small packs of energy where all things are possible, all things are true and untrue. It is a chaotic universe and music should reflect this, should tell the truth that there was no truth. By 1994, the decade further delved into the dark with the suicide of Kurt Cobain, the baseball strike and the OJ Simpson trial (which rubbed salt in the wounds created by the race riot two years earlier). Bill Clinton's Monica Lewinsky scandal and the assassinations of Tupac Shakur and Christopher Smalls further darkened the horizon for those hoping for a Great Society to emerge out of the clutter of the first half of the decade. For the majority, the 90s seemed driven to plunge America into cynicism, but there would come a light.

It would be boy bands that pointed us back on track. Hanson, Backstreet Boys, NSync, BBMak and so on and so on. Their rise begins in 1996 and leads to widespread popularity by the end of 1997. Why were these groups so special? They weren't exactly new. The early to mid 90s had seen R&B groups such as Boyz II Men and All 4 One reach high pop status. But how did these differ?
The defining element is the identification of a structure. This was a direct refutation of the chaotic universe many alternative rock and rap musicians sought to discuss. This said that pop music had an order: the shy one, the bad one, the cute one, the big brother and the nice one. Early R&B groups had harmony and catchy hooks, but it was the holistic nature of their group which they missed. Five different types of boy. At one end was the nice one and the other end was the bad one. White and black. In the middle were the primary colors: big brother, cute and shy. Groups leading up to the boy band explosion came nowhere near this symmetry. Yet, gangsta rap and grunge reacted against it heavily. Not the boy band movement itself, but the idea that this was how the "real" world was. In a sense, boy bands were not real light, but a fluorescent bulb created in a factory. Try as they might, light was breaking through and this rise of faux light explains the fervor which occurred simultaneously in the hip-hop community.

Shiny suits, flashy colors, colorful cars - this was the era introduced by Puff Daddy, Mase and the Bad Boy crew in the wake of Notorious B.I.G's death. In fact, it can be argued that it still lives. Bad Boy initiated hip-hop to the masses, but as a far more materialistic product than medium of social awareness. It was shiny; videos were filled with spotlights and sparkling medallions. It was a trend which influenced the Cash Money Millionaires (Juvenile, Lil' Wayne) and sundry. Instead of rapping about the darkness of poverty, people were beginning at the top to get to the top. It mirrored a phrase C.S. Lewis used to describe the act of prayer as something one fakes at first until it becomes real. Popular hip-hop was faking the dream in a realm of light until it became tangible.

Yet, the center could not hold. The 90s, despite boy bands' and flashy hip-hop's best efforts longed to delve into darkness. The rise of soft metal/rap crossovers such as Limp Bizkit and Korn, the dark lyrics of Eminem and the sudden popularity of Marilyn Manson's gothic images in the late 90s were clear indicators the 90s was still a sick decade. Further indications of this were the Woodstock 1999 fiasco which (unlike the 1969 event) resulted in chaos: military groups were called in, MTV broadcasted the burning of staging, reported multiple rapes and vendors charged absurd prices for basic necessities which many consider the impetus for this.

Thus the 90s was a struggle for light. There are good moments in it. Happy music was recorded, but the 90s is a poetic decade. The outlandish opulence of MC Hammer's performances reach shaved down to their lowest common denominator in the greed which fueled the fire at Woodstock 1999. Yet, this is not to say the 90s were a depressing decade. The shortlived (widespread) popularity of grunge should not stand for an entire decade. Rather, the 90s were struggle to attain illumination, to reach a positive foundation despite rough conditions.

Society is mirrored in this struggle. The 90s were an inchoate period of birthing and growing. The internet was born at the beginning of the 90s, but its full realization was not reached until after the 90s were over. It is no surprise the majority of 00s has seen a societal movement almost entirely intangible in nature. People communicate without communicating (Facebook, MySpace) and people sing without really being able to sing (auto-tune). After a delve into the darkness, one longs for the light. Yet, Dante did not immediately rise into Paradise after a staunch through the Inferno. No, he needed to travel through Purgatory.

The 00s seem like this sort of zone. Traces of the 90s needed to be burned off and faced. In some senses they were, but in most cases people sunk into denial or distraction through technology. The challenge still remains to reach Paradise. Whether the 10s will see this happen and society emerge from Purgatory into artistic, cultural and musical renew or continue to fall back into denial and distraction through fruitless inversion via technology, it remains to be seen.

SURVIVAL TIPS

2010-01-04T20:49:00.000-05:00

Belt Buckles

with Ed Peterson, President of the Idaho Chapter of the International Belt Buckle Society

I've got a young feller that picks me up to go to the Dollar Tree and the IGA every Tuesday. When he picks me up, that's when I wear my belt buckle. I shine it up real nice the night before cause it takes me a while to get outta bed and I ain't gonna be late. Most people just use a little Windex or polish, but I don't. That stuff don't really get anything clean. It just makes it look clean. Leaves them streaks all over it and you can't see the eagle in the sunlight.
What's that young feller's name? It starts with a D.
I got some onions at the IGA yesterday. I guess that must mean it's Wednesday. Well, the week goes fast, don't it? I figger I'll make me a casserole. I used to could make them everyday, but there's only so many onions you can take home from the IGA. I can't stand to cut more than two. So, it's gonna be a small casserole.
I guess I wear my belt buckle before I go to the Rotary Club meeting. We're gonna send some Chinese looking boy to Japan to study something. I don't know. Ain't that something? Some Chinese boy going to Japan to learn something. You think they wouldn't have to since they all speak the same language.
I was at the IGA when this lady from one of them churches came up and told me how much she loved my belt buckle and I said to her well thank you and she said where'd you get it from and I said I reckon I got it somewhere and she said where and I said I don't rightly remember and she said well when you do you let me know so I can get one for my son and I said all right.
Now I got this one here at a yard sale. I was over there with Alfred - he's dead now - and I pointed out this one belt buckle there and I said now if you ain't ever seen such a pretty lookin thing and he said no I ain't ever seen it and so I bought it and I'm wearin it now. You see.
Now if you want tips on belt buckles I ain't the one to talk to. You gotta talk to Alfred. He's dead now, but he woulda told you everything. He had about eight or nine belt buckles. I ain't got but seven. That's just enough for me. I only got two pairs of pants. This one and the other one.
I got a few with the state flag on em. Actually, hold on, let me take a look...

...I'm lookin in here...damn things is messy ain't they...ain't cleaned this out in years...

...there's a sock...

...there's a - oh, here they are! Right here. Now, you see. There's about five here with the state flag on em. One here with the Navy symbol and...that's it, I think...oh yeah, you can count this one I'm wearin, too. With the eagle on it. You see it.
What was I talking about? Oh! You gotta polish em. I use Pledge. That's a furniture polish but it don't matter too much, I guess. You can use it for anything. I use it on the plants sometimes. See there. That one's growin all right. By the winder there.
I guess that young feller's gonna come soon. I done told him he should come to a Idaho chapter meetin. It was just me and Alfred headin it up and we could use some new blood. I guess I'll tell you what I told him. Iffen you get a belt buckle, you keep it polished I said. And you keep it in your underwear drawer so ain't nobody can steal it.
That's what I do and I been doin just fine.

SHINY SPOTTING

2010-01-03T00:24:00.001-05:00

SHINY

2010-01-01T11:23:00.000-05:00

Jewelry, gold, new cars - these are ideas that may pop into the heads of most people when the word "shiny" is mentioned.

It's certainly understandable. The concept of shiny is firmly attached to newness, freshness, cleanliness. Some street vendors make their living off people who need to have shiny shoes. Companies subsist on people's desire to have shiny furniture, hair, vehicles, cutlery, brass... the list could continue much longer.

But shiny is more than the newness of things. After all, there are many cars which shine brightly but are not worth the Turtle Wax scrubbed relentlessly against their frame; you can make furniture shine by putting plastic wrap on it and shiny hair is not necessarily an indicator of goodness or cleanliness (sometimes it's an indicator of just the opposite).

Because oil shines, too. And so does water. Even blood can shine with the right luminescent attention.

Yet, people shine as well: metaphorically if they are famous, or literally if they have a holiness (or purity) about them. Eyes shine and so does the sun. We have sunshine, but also moonshine. One is the act of light imposing itself on an object. The other is an object which imposes itself on us with potentially disastrous consequences (yet, not without an interesting story).

Shiny has many facets. It demonstrates both outer and inner wealth. It is an indicator of life as a shiny complexion in most entities demonstrates vitality. Yet, dummies and mannequins can also be shiny. So, it is also an indicator of fraudulent life. Of a lie.

It is right, perhaps, that shiny is the month of January, which is the beginning of a new year. A year that has yet to receive the tatters of bad news and horrible happenings. This month, we will explore shiny - sometimes looking for the sparkling golden underlining and sometimes for the shining silver crescent of moon hiding in darkest night.

By the end of the month, shiny will (hopefully) mean more than a new pair of shoes; rather, a concept which we find hiding even in the shadows of our lives.

REJECTED IDEAS

2009-12-31T15:01:00.005-05:00

HUMAN VS.
Rabbits
(Key difference: All they do is eat and poop...wait a minute, I do that, too)

SURVIVAL TIPS
Magical Powers...with special guest, Jesus Christ
(I hope he does the Easter trick...that was neat.)

THE MAN SOGYNIST
Magic Fingers should replace penises
(And all penises should be cut off)

EDITOR'S NOTE
"Why I'm A Tool"
with special guest, David Copperfield
(Excerpt: "It's not just my haircut, but the fact that I had the audacity to actually take credit for making a space shuttle disappear. It was just a big camera trick. Well,at least I'm not David Blaine, eh?)

HUMAN VS.

2009-12-29T09:20:00.000-05:00

Genie

The classical relationship of the human and genie has been a paradoxical one: a being of enormous, infinite power bows in submission to one of comparatively, finite power. The thread that binds the two together and creates this strange relationship is magic. Magic binds the genie to the lamp and the service of the one who rubs it. The best way to compare humans and genies should be to look at how each entity sees their purpose and place in the world.

Purpose will be divided into two sections: first, what does the entity consider themselves and themselves in relation to their surroundings and second, what do they consider their ultimate goal and why do they want this?

First, we need to clarify what we mean by "genie".

A genie roots itself from the Arabic root "JNN", which means to hide or conceal. The actual root word is djinn. In Islam, djinn were considered one of three types of supernatural beings, besides angels and demons. Only a master magician could control the actions of a djinn (which could be used for good and evil). Of course, a genie means something a bit different today. Today it is an entity trapped inside a magic lamp which is obliged to give three wishes to the lucky one who rubs the lamp thrice. Movies such as Disney's Aladdin change the concept of a genie as an entity longing to be free rather than a spiritual being aiming to serve those who summon it.

This evolution is very important in relation to the first section discussed above as the way a genie considers itself. Djinn, for instance, had free will and could come and go wherever they wanted. The modern genie is trapped in a magic lamp and must bow to the master who rubs the lamp.

Humans have crossed several thresholds as well. The theory of evolution demonstrates that humans slowly developed skills with which to hunt, farm, build homes and (eventually) cities. The modern human is understood as a miraculous achievement and/or creation for their intellect which far surpasses any other animal on the planet. Yet, as much as evolution has seen fit to equip humans to be in the driver's seat, the realization appears ever stronger with each new advancement that they are not in control. In this sense, they harbor a striking resemblance to the imprisonment of the modern genie to the will of its master and the ancient djinn which went to and fro with free will. The ancient humans, although at a lack for certain sorts of technology and luxury, maintained a deep connection to the earth (which was their survival) and appear to have intuited much from daily life and experience.

Ancient humans' expected age of death was much younger, but there was also less disease with which to deal. Ancient humans' consideration of their place in the universe is something that was understood. Modern humans, however, find it to be one of their greatest struggles. As the djinn understood their entity and moved without self-consciousness through the world, ancient humans understood their role in the rhythms and cycles of the earth as they were closer to the animal kingdom. Modern humans are handicapped by their distance from the earth and the loss of certain connections which became severed as humans developed beyond the rest of the animal kingdom.

In modern terms, the genie and the human both consider themselves powerful but limited to their master and their thought.

The second section considered what humans and genies call their goals, their purpose. For the modern genie (which we will deal with because we are dealing with the modern human) the goal is two-fold: the genie wishes to do its master's bidding and be free.

For humans, it's a bit more complex.

There is no one school of thought concerning this. Some humans believe it is the purpose and goal of their lives to help others, others find the conversion of other humans to a certain belief system as a goal, others believe there is no ultimate goal and on and on. The basic duality beneath these beliefs and the countless other which could be listed are as follows: there is a goal and there isn't a goal.

This could be correlated with the genie's goals as humans who believe they do have a purpose give into a master in a certain sense. By this it is meant, humans who believe they have a purpose bow to a power or a guideline by which they must live to accomplish this purpose (i.e. to convert people one must seek the guidance/power to which one is converting people; to be good and help people one must abide by certain moralistic guidelines which would allow one to be and do so). Those humans who do not believe they have a goal or purpose could, in fact, be compared to the djinn, which caused mischief or assistance, could be good or bad or neither and were a very little substance or "a smokeless fire" as the Qu'ran states. Those who believe there are no goals construct their own moral code either or anarchy or antagonism. The Church of Satan is an example. The Punk movement is another.

Ultimately, humans and genies hold quite a few similarities. They have both evolved from more "primitive" beings to become advanced, yet they have lost many of the skills which allowed them to do so. Humans have created inclusively, imprisoning themselves in a magic lamp of their own creation. For them (just as for the modern genie), freedom is an illusion achieved through short term separation from the need for money or technology. Yet, humans' return to these societal devices are no different than the awesome power of the genie displayed to the universe before returning to the interior of a small lamp.

THE MAN SOGNYIST

2009-12-21T12:28:00.003-05:00

The Phallic Apple
How the "magic" of the apple is one big penis-shaped barrier holding womyn back from equality

Often my blog posts will come to me in a vision. Usually, they're during my hour-long yoga postures before heading out to the organic foods market, but today it was while I was preparing the ingredients for my cook Rosalita to prepare Okerie Okerie's lunch. I had just finished reading the neo-conservative rant from the Informed Observer. Here it is:

"First, dear informed reader, there's a reason we wear clothes. I don't care if you think it's because you Eve bit the apple or an ape developed a brain, we wear clothes because nudity IS meant to be a personal shin-dig. You do it in your own home, in your shower and the bedroom. Now all those nay-saying hippies that argue in favor of stripping to their skin and flaunting around in some European resort won't like that. They'll say, 'Don't preach to me! I can do what I want!'

You know, sometimes I question giving the First Amendment to everyone." (ERGO Magazine, November 2009)

Besides NASCAR racing, this is the only thing I can't stand. In case you didn't catch it or you happen to be a MAN (who never catch anything), let me highlight it for you. He (and I KNOW it's a HE) states, "First, dear informed reader, there's a reason we wear clothes. I don't care if you think it's because Eve bit the apple or an ape developed a brain, we wear clothes because nudity IS meant to be a personal shin-dig."

Rosalita? Cubra los oídos de Okerie Okerie? Gracias.

Ahem.

FUCK YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKING GODDAM DICKHEAD!

Okay, Rosalita. It's fine. Destape sus oídos.

First off, I don't think this idiot should be calling anyone who reads his posts "informed". The extent of their cultural knowledge probably stops at Toby Keith's last album and the latest NASCAR collector's plates. It's not just that he is insulting the beliefs of a particular group of people, but that he would use the old bit about Eve and the apple. His rant may have been about nudity on the surface, but beneath it all he was just pushing his thumb down on the entire female race.
Am I overreacting? Was Gloria Steinem overreacting? Was Judith Butler overreacting? Was Ani DiFranco overreacting?
For those of you who may not have a clue what I'm talking about, don't worry. Many of you were lucky enough not to be indoctrinated into the patriarchal mind control machine known as the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, I had such bad luck and can tell you that in the bible (I REFUSE to capitalize it) there is an origin story which says sin came into the world because the first womyn convinced the first man to eat fruit from a forbidden tree.
Now everybody's FUCKED.
Sorry, Okerie Okerie. Rosalita, would you cubra his fucking oídos when I say fucking.
Anyway, that's the story but it was the beginning of everything from feet bondage to household slavery. The problem I have with it is that it's NOT TRUE.

First, I argue against the idea if God as a MAN to BEGAN WITH.
If God was a man, nothing would have gotten done. Men are not good planners. I'll give you an example. Let's say you decide with a man to adopt a child from Nigeria. You sit down for months to make all the necessary arrangements, but right when it happens he skips out on you. You're left alone with this Nigerian little boy and have to hire your maid as a nanny and pay her extra.

If that's not proof enough, then look at every country from the ancient world: Greece, Rome, Sparta, Persia...I could go on and on. Do you know what they have in common? They ALL are NOT HERE ANYMORE. So, let's dispense with this idea of God as a MAN. It's ludicrous. Even further, let's look at this little wet dream we call the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve walking around naked. You know, this just sounds like something that MEN with their 12-year-old mindframe would come up with. A beautiful womyn naked constantly just waiting for you to shove a DICK in her -
Sorry, Okerie Okerie. Rosalita...goddammit...anyway...

Anyway, what I'm telling you sit that this one act has not only ruined womyn but apples as well. It's actually put us into symbiotic relationship of oppression. Apples = Oppression. Do you see this? Let me explain further.

This magic little fruit keeps reappearing. It sets Snow White into a catatonic state. Paris gives a golden apple to the gods and takes Helen as a wife (a SLAVE in other words) and (BIG SURPRISE) starts a war. It even continues to this day with that mindless book series written by that little (and I hate saying this word) CUNT Stephanie Meyer. The apple on the front is supposed to represent the Garden of Good and Evil and she does it justice with a female character that is as brainless as that twat in the bible story.

The apple itself represents everything MEN think about womyn. It's red, which is their conception of as mindless machines of sex and passion. It's soft and round. This little tidbit is what has kept womyn thumbed down from competing alongside men in sporting events because we're too tender to compete with the "stronger" gender.
They're just afraid we'll kick their asses.

If you want any further proof that MEN are using this apple routine to push us down into an eternal BLOWJOB, then just think about the Adam's Apple. First and foremost, womyn have one, TOO. This is one of those guilt trips they try to push on us after we happen to mention the countless millenniums of oppression we've suffered under.

This may seem pedantic, but it's a big step in undermining the foundation MEN have used to keep us in high-heeled shoes and rib-crushing corsets. So, get out there and spread the word that Eve didn't eat the apple, Adam just dropped the ball! Let's strip the magic from the apple because the magic is keeping us from being presidents, kings and CEOs. It's like Anita, a local protest folk singer for womyn's rights says, "Don't fucking fuck me anymore with your fuck machine. I'm done being fucked. Fuck you."

Sorry Okerie Okerie. Rosalita, you're fucking fired.

I'm off!

POP ROOTS

2009-12-19T23:28:00.001-05:00

The Magic Letter K and Other Sports Phenomena

Anyone who doubts the magic inherent within sports should watch a highlights show. Bill Buckner's 1986 World Series error, Magic Johnson's lay-up, the New York Giants' win over the unstoppable New England Patriots. You get a thrill when you see upsets, mistakes and triumphs. Especially when upon reflection, they seem to have been preemptive, planned from the beginning of time to settle some cosmic bet with the way they seamlessly work into the ultimate flux of things. Yet, magic is not just a word for an emotion we feel with a particularly emotional play. It could be actual. As Ergo Magazine explores the concept of magic, it is fitting that we look at magic within sports, American sports in particular.
Why American sports?
Because there is an inclusiveness to American sports. Compared to other countries whose sports have completed diaspora after diaspora and suffered various interpretations which have brought the sport back to its originators in a very different form, American sports are still very new. Although the world has embraced most of them to a certain extent, the still maintain the sense that they ARE American.
The focus of this small investigation will be the three American sports most ubiquitous around the world: football, baseball and basketball. The investigation will also be threefold focusing on the field, instruments and rules.

Field

Each of the three sports play on a field with marked boundaries. The players understand that crossing these boundaries could render their actions of progress useless. The "magic" of the field is that within this space the act they are completing not only has relevance but has power.

Were Derek Jeter to begin his day hitting balls in a small park or an open field with no boundaries, he would be utterly ignored. Yet, because there is a boundary laid down his act (and the act of all other sports players) is given meaning). This is similar to an act in magic used in divination. The medium uses a substance (salt, for example) and spreads it around in a certain shape in order to create a closed universe. It is a realm small enough that it is conceivable for a medium to alter the state of the space enough for the essence of a being from the spiritual world to survive there. In baseball, one finds the shape of the diamond predominant. Its shape is formed by powdered chalk and three bases or safety zones where an individual is safe from being purged from the diamond. This is indicative of mediums who use a talisman from the physical world to keep them from being pulled into the spiritual world (or, vice-versa).

In basketball, it is the rectangle. In the middle of the rectangle, is a circle which separates the rectangle into two squares. The significance of this almost goes without saying that one is made two by the use of a circle. One could refer earlier to the physical and spiritual worlds, which were momentarily connected by a talisman, medium or both. The circle's significance is present in Eastern mysticism as well as magic spells in witchcraft and Wiccan belief. In basketball, the circle is where play begins. Inside this circle, the actual game is created, the back-and-forth of opposing teams which enacts the play. Without the circle basketball could not exist. It is an alchemy of sorts. This is even more important when one considers the tools used to play the game, which will be considered later.

In football, it is a rectangle as well, but an unseparated rectangle. The field is 120 yards with 100 yards being the actual playing field. At each end is a safe zone which each team designs colorfully to indicate the safety and power present within the space. Beyond this safety zone is a goal post. The goal post is usually colored yellow, the color of the sun. The field is green, the color of the earth. This is a microcosm of the universe, something which is done in the alchemy in order to pinpoint certain forces which want to gathered or used. This will be of a greater importance when discussing the rules.

Instruments

Each of the three sports use instruments or tools in some way. Without tools, magic cannot be enacted. There must be something to concentrate the power one is dealing with; otherwise, the strength of the power called upon could destroy the one attempting to harness it.

In baseball, there are two main instruments: the bat and the ball. Within the magic diamond, the bat becomes a magic wand. Swing the wand and one will create the magic of movement, of points. Yet, the wand is nothing without the ball, which is the crystal ball. Within it is born the secret of its use. The pitcher and the batter are two dueling magicians. The pitcher's "potion" is the pitch, which the batter must understand and use for his own purposes. If the batter guesses correctly, he can transverse the magic diamond. Yet, there is a catch (no pun intended). The batter must touch the ball to the earth in order to transverse the magic diamond. Else, he must strike the ball outside the magic diamond so it loses its power and he (and anyone on the bases) harness completely the ultimate power of the diamond.

It was mentioned earlier that the alchemist's circle at the center of the court is what allows the game to be created. Otherwise, there can be no game. Of course, what allows the alchemist circle to become magical in this sense is the presence of the basketball, the magic orb. The orb itself is blessed with circles round about it, so the presence of the circle within a circle is what creates the power needed to enact the game. At each end of the court is a goal with a round hoop (another circle) which the orb must be placed in to gain power over the opposing set of players. The more difficult (in other words, the greater the length from the basket) the ball is to put into the basket, the more power it contains (much as the power with which a baseball is hit usually indicates the power the batter wields).

Football is centered around the power of the oval-shaped football. It is brown (like the earth) and has a crisscross design on top of it. These are the signs of the cross which bless the ball (not shaped as the classic circle, it is imperfect, but with the presence of the cross it is made perfect - the cross, by the way, is not just the Christian symbol for salvation, but the magic symbol of heaven within the earth; the power of heaven within the earth). The ball is blessed and passes between two yellow uprights. Yellow is the element of air in Wiccan spirituality. The ball (blessed by the sign of the cross) passes into the element of air bringing the work of the earth to the work of the heavens. The game is in itself a pure form when this is done.

Rules

Magic has its rules; precepts which not be crossed if the potion or spell is to work correctly. Much of this has already been referred to indirectly. All three sports use rules, much as the boundaries on the field are used, to control the magic taking place within. Without the rules the game might spin into infinity or chaos. They are the membrane which encloses the instruments and the field and ensures that the magic of the sport is productive rather than disruptive.

In baseball, the rules are separated into threes. Each inning has two halves with a break in between making three. There are nine innings and nine is divisible by three into three. The batter must not miss three strikes, else he will be cast out of the diamond. The strikes themselves are often called by the term "K". K is also a magic number. It is the eleventh number of many alphabets. In ancient Egyptian it is shorthand for creative energy. There are also nine players on the field, again corresponding to the number three. Three is considered a sacred or magic number in much of religious, spiritual or magic belief.

The usage of the ball is an important part of basketball's rules. The ball is sacred. If one doesn't touch it to the earth with every other step (or touch it to the earth at all) it could be taken away. There is a time limit to how long a ball can be passed between teammates before it must be tossed into the hoop. The two hoops themselves are like two number 1's. Two 1's being 11, which is the corresponding number to the letter K. While in play opposing players must be careful how they touch each other as too hard a touch will create a foul and allow the foul player to stand outside the magic boundary with the ball; all the more power now in their hands. There are two halves separated by a halftime break. This is the number three again. Each half is 48 minutes long. Together the game is 96 minutes. Divided by three, that is 32. 3+2=5. 5 is the number of players on each team. Therefore, the game in essence is purity as its inclusive nature can create beauty in form.

Football teams are allowed to have 11 players on the field. This corresponds to the magic letter K. The goal posts at the end must be placed behind the safety zone or endzone area. They are just at the edge of the magic boundary. Their shape is also like that of an 11. There are four quarters with 15 minutes each. 15 is divisible by 3. Each team has four downs to make it into the endzone. Four is the number of the quarters and downs. There are also four seasons, four humors and four essences to reality (earth, wind, air, fire - often used in alchemy). As explained earlier, the magic boundary allows the act of the sport to take place. It also allows the quarters, downs (as well as the seasons, essences and humors) to be brought to life. The football, blessed with the cross, is run into the endzone to receive 6 points (6 is divisible by 3 into 2: the goal posts are two poles making the number form of the letter K). When the blessed ball is kicked through the two poles the points total 7. 7 is the number of perfection.

It can probably be inferred that each of the sports has magical elements present in one another. For example, the 15 minutes in football is also divisible by 3 into 5 which is the number of players on a basketball court; 3+2=5 and 3 is the number of outs and strikes and 2 is the number of sections to an inning in baseball. Although it may seem like intellectual pedantry to go about like this, games are an enigma and should be explored as so. After all, why do we play them? Just to have fun?

One would think that the emotions which surround the breaking of the Bambino's curse by Boston or upsets during college Bowl Games speak to the importance invested in sports and the magical effect they have on us. Games aren't just games. They are an important part of our existence. For many people, they give meaning to life. If there isn't magic in that, there isn't magic in anything.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

2009-12-14T10:34:00.003-05:00

Miracles

For:

Walt Whitman

I know nothing else but miracles whether I walk the streets of Manhattan or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky or wade with naked feet along the beach just in the edge of the water or stand under the trees in the woods or talk by day with any one I love or sleep in bed at night with anyone I love or watch honey bees busy around the hive of a summer forenoon or the wonderfulness of the sundown or of stars shining so quiet and bright or the exquisite delicate thin curve of the new moon in spring... what stranger miracles are there?

Against:

Mark Twain

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

It could not be expressed better.

Walt Whitman was an American poet, a pioneer in American literature and author of classic poetical work, Leaves of Grass. Mark Twain was an American author of numerous novels and travel books. Both were intrigued by the magic (or lack thereof) inherent within miracles.

THE LIST

2009-12-12T18:27:00.001-05:00

Pop culture is such a capricious wench. She'll toss you in and out without a moment's notice unless you've got the chops to change yourself every few years (or days). Yet, there are those who ignore her call to metamorphosis, but also stubbornly root their feet in the soil of the public eye. If our most gracious pop goddess won't toss them out, then it's time for us to recognize...

Five People Who Are Losing Their Magic

1. Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell made a killing off the emotional repression of suburban white males. His characters reverted to child-like temper tantrums and pranced about in shameless arrogance. His swan song sold well and sold long (Threadless.com owes him a fortune in royalties), but now Ferrell as well as us are finding the same song eventually fades into AM Radio anonymity. Ferrell cruised off the momentum of SNL fame, but now it's time to either move beyond Ricky Bobby or move out.

2. Tiger Woods

At one time he was the underdog. Not in a David Vs. Goliath sense, but in a glass ceiling sense. Tiger has so much golf libido that it would have been impossible for him NOT to be a sports star. Yet, the same people who rooted for Woods to move beyond racist caddies and whitewashed Green Jackets are now the ones who grumbled with his accumulating success. Woods' most recent public affair and his announcement to leave golf "indefinitely" to patch things up at home is not a good sign. In sports, just as in music, when people say they're taking an "indefinite" leave of absence, it usually means "infinite."

3. Seth McFarlane

Stretch Laffy Taffy far enough and at a certain point it will snap. MacFarlane is not a chewy candy, but spreading your muse over three simultaneous shows runs the risk of reaching maximum density. Much as Ferrell's "professional frat boy" has seen its stretch of the horizon, MacFarlane's rambling, non-centric humor inherent in Family Guy can only take so many incarnations. Is it because the public is growing weary with plotless plots or incessant pop culture references? Not at all! Rather, it's the homogeneity of it all; the subtle arrogance inherent in MacFarlane's oeuvre that he can force feed the public the same jokes over and over again is soon to reach its breaking point.

4. David Letterman

The same hip, ironic host who once beheld Andy Kaufman losing his mind on air in a string of obscenities, received a pair of Madonna's underwear before interviewing her and degraded himself as much as the pop culture populous surrounding him, has become a crotchety old man. Yet, it's not the thinning hair or the noticed change in features. Rather, Letterman's rants have become less of a comic diatribe and more of an aimless, cantankerous yell; akin to an old man on a porch yelling at the kids riding their bicycles too fast. As Leno has moved to an earlier slot, perhaps it is time Letterman to do the same and bow to a younger force in the late night slot.

5. David Blaine

At one point people were actually interested in David Blaine. He was magician to the stars, friends with Leonardo DiCaprio, a mystical olive-skinned stranger doing magic not on the stage behind countless props; rather, he was on the sidewalk, at the corner store or on the steps of an apartment building. Yet, after countless tests of endurance (all failed, by the way), people began to see Blaine not as a man who loved to mystify the mind, but one who loved to aggrandize himself with his own magic. He's always been performing for an audience of one and pretty soon that may be all he has left.

MAGIC SPOTTING

2009-12-12T15:42:00.001-05:00

POP CULTURE FACEOFF

2009-12-09T18:54:00.001-05:00

This month:

THE PRESTIGE
vs.
THE ILLUSIONIST

Two magic movies that came out literally 7 weeks apart.
Which one gets sawed in half?
Find out, in the triumphant return of this month's mystifying
POP CULTURE FACEOFF.

CAST
The Prestige
Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Michael Caine

The Illusionist
Edward Norton, Paul Giamatti, Jessica Biel

WINNER
Draw.
Two outstanding casts. 'Nough said.

STORY
The Prestige
A rivalry piece pitting two top magicians head-to-head, struggling to outdo each other.

The Illusionist
A love story wherein the main character uses magic to undermine authority and get his way.

WINNER
Draw.
Damn, two fascinating works here.

PRESENTATION
The Prestige
Modern-ish (set around the time that Tesla was working); slicker than its counterpart.

The Illusionist
Set in the 1900's, so it looks it; pulls off the authenticity (and check out Norton's goatee!)

WINNER
The Illusionist
The visuals are so carefully crafted, it really feels like magic.

IMDB / ROTTEN TOMATOES
The Prestige
8.4 out of 10 / 75%

The Illusionist
7.7 out of 10 / 74%

WINNER
The Prestige
When fans and critics (although marginally) agree, something's there.

BOX OFFICE
The Prestige
$53,002,677

The Illusionist
$39,680,302

WINNER
The Prestige
Once again, the numbers don't lie.

A Note From Justin
Ok, so it seems that in the breakdown of this PCF,
The Prestige tops The Illusionist by a score of 2-1, since the DRAWs don't count.
But -
I watched these two movies on back-to-back nights.
And loved them both.
I can not pick a favorite.
So, this POP CULTURE FACEOFF ends in a
DRAW.

EDITOR'S NOTE

2009-12-08T15:58:00.000-05:00

Magic World
by Nick Hilbourn

Magic.

Pfff!

And I do mean, pff!

In this day and age do I need another thing I'm not allowed to know, another thing I'm not allowed to grasp? An age which brings us a foundation of uncertainty with science based on the whimsical nature of quantum mechanics, marriage (whether gay or straight) being questioned to the umpteenth degree and the very essence of truth defined as a personal opinion, I need something solid I can KNOW.

Excuse my acerbic tone, but this leads back (as all things do) to a tragic elementary school incident. The stage was an after-school program I went to with my friends. Events were always being organized to burn off the steady diet of Coca-Cola and Sun Chips we were fed as we walked in the door.

One day a magician came and did a few magic tricks, wowed our second grade minds with metal rings that seemingly passed through each other like water (this can now be explained scientifically through quantum mechanics, by the way) and other mindbending acts. At the end he presented everyone in attendance with a small pocket book full of instructions of how to perform some of the magic tricks we'd seen that day.

Let me define "everyone" for you though, because it didn't include me. So, there I was, while my friends Josh and Steven looked through their book of secrets (refusing the tiniest glance to me).

And there you have it. Magic was just another thing I was not allowed to know.

Now, this wasn't so bad 2,000 years ago when people lived in a world constructed of the gods and everything was a mystery of heaven. Mysteries of heaven are fine. But these are times when all the mysteries have been revealed as a bag of chaos, an ethereal universe of floating bogs and images - none of which are tangible and could change any moment.

And science says, more or less, nothing is in control.

So, NO ONE knows the secrets behind anything. No one knows anything and people are making up stuff all the time. Reality, it is said, is a construction. It's what we expect to see, so it is what we see. It's all perception and magic is just distortion of perception.

Where I'm getting with this is, magic is a drug and I want in. I don't want to mess in psychedelics or shoot myself in the vein with a needle of happy juice or inhale paint thinner.

I want to have clear vision. I want to see beyond a stationary perception. It's my worry that I'm never seeing what's really there. Although some people have come to grips with it, I haven't. It really frightens me that - somewhere out there - Josh and Steven are walking around with the book of secrets.

And I still don't know how the damn rings pass through one another.

It irritates me slightly that we must accept that the world is mist and that everything is (eventually) imperceptible. That we must assume things and accept our assumptions.

Although I must admit that sometimes I just give up. Sometimes I sit and stare at the world and allow myself to sink into intentional mindlessness, into ignorance. Sometimes it's really nice to be so overwhelmed by the mystery of everything because it means you don't have to think about things and about the daily existence of not thinking about things because to do so would prevent from living.

Life is magic and I guess I must overcome my desire to figure it out.

SURVIVAL TIPS

2009-12-07T08:46:00.001-05:00

Babes

with Nate the Great

Hey, bro, what's up? Nate the Great's my name and magic is my game. Listen, if you want an inside track to Babe World, then magic is the WAY to GO. All those guys playing football and baseball, they don't know shizznat about the ladies.
And what's to know about the ladies?
They like pizazz.
Totally, like, when I first got to high school, things weren't going so well. None of the babes digged me. They were uptight because I was shorter than them and I was always looking at their bazonkas.
Hey? Can you blame me? They shoulda taken it as a compliment. Huge bazonkas are, like, the shizznat.
Anyway, all I had to do was start pulling a little magic here and there and I had them in the palm of my hand. Now I'm serving magic for people almost every other day. At parties, cool kids' houses, you name it. Feel interested? Just follow this steps and you'll, like, be in there.

1. Get a Cool Name
Nobody does magic without a cool name. Check out mine: Nate the Great. It's the shizznat! It's catchy and it rhymes. Now, say your name is Joshua or Morton. THAT'S just another way to say BITCH. Know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to be real. Shorten your name to J Man or Mo Dawg and you'll be totally in there.

2. Keep It Real
Just like I was doing with you. I was keeping it real and that's what you gotta do with folks or they're never going to buy your magic. Part of that's just confidence. Keep your eyes on their eyes and let them know that you're just here to have fun. Just wanna party. Babes LOVE to party.

3. Run Deep
You can't go out on the field if you don't have a helmet. You feel me, dawg? You gotta have the right equipment or your magic's never gonna take off. Me? I always get my magic stuff from the best guys. They keep it real and they have cool names like Slice, Candy Man, Skillet and James. That's, like, the first two things on my list. They also don't cheap skate me, which is the most important part of doing magic: that people know your magic is real and its not just sugar or pencil shavings.

4. Keep the Code
All good magicians know you don't reveal your secrets. So, don't go telling the whole school about your magic, okay? Hell to the yeah, people can talk about how your magic is the shizznat, but you can't go doing all this self promo. The one thing you gotta know about magic before anything is that some people are just bitches and can't handle it. They'll tell everybody about your magic. So, be careful who you talk to. Magicians got to keep themselves tight. Know what I'm saying?

5. Don't Be A Bitch
Maybe you're wondering when the babes are coming in? Well, this is it. Once you master everything above, you can take your show on the road ANYWHERE. I've been invited to so many parties I can't count. People love magic. And you know who loves magic the most? White girls. Especially the ones with huge bazonkas. And you might say, 'Man, Nate Dawg. I don't want a white girl.' Hold up, bro. White girls are the shizz now! The best thing to do is to toss a girl a little magic on the house to get her going and she won't stop! You'll be up to your neck in bazonkas in no time!

And that's all you've got to do! Now, it's not gonna happen all at once. You gotta start small first. Just keep at it and you'll find that babes will always be up on you for some magic once you've let them have a taste. I mean, what could be better? Totally hot babes all on you and making a little cash on the side. Is there anything wrong with that?

Nope. It's just capitalism, bro!

MAGIC SPOTTING

2009-12-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

EDITOR'S NOTE

2009-12-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

Ready to Believe
by Donald E.W. Quist

"No Magic," she'd say to me, like it was the devil or something to be aborted. We had to get rid of it because whether or not we believed in the magic, it believed in us. It could twist us, use us for war. The war was between good and evil, the devil and God, and Magic was a viral weapon used by demons to mislead otherwise good people, or at least that's how it was explained to me at Kingdom Hall.

My mother had left the Methodist church due to scheduling conflicts when I was 6. The Witnesses were convenient, like pizza delivery boys serving up hot slices of God's love, and they congregated weeknights. My denomination meant that I was rushed by magic sets whenever we walked through toy stores. It meant I didn't go Trick-or-Treating and my birthday would never be all that big a deal. It also meant that the magic of Christmas would remain a foreign concept to me long after I stopped reading my Watchtower's.

When she finally decided to return to her Methodist roots, I was around 13. Christmas returned, and thanks to a few visits to my dad's house during the holiday season I was able to identify things like stockings and tinsel. But in my heart I had grown into a grumpy, old, codger - grumbling bah-humbug and pelting carolers with flaming bags of shit. My cynicism has stuck with me for over a decade now.

This year things feel different...

The last few months have been marked by mini miracles and I'm ready to believe in magic. Strange and wonderful things happen everyday and I'm starting to realize that Christmas is just a celebration of those little occurrences that make life worth living. The magic of St. Nick is the magic of humanity. A holiday that (even if superficial and blasphemous) promotes the spirit of giving can't be so bad.

Pass me the eggnog, toss me a funny looking hat and light up that tree. I'm ready for Christmas and the possibility of something more than ordinary.

BONES

2009-12-03T21:16:00.045-05:00

Abra, Kadabra, and Alakazam:
How to Capture and Nurture Pokemon with even weirder names.
(Guest Post from Jeremy Condra, Pokemaster)

ABRA
Height: 2'11
Weight: 43 lbs
PSYCHIC TYPE
Habitat: URBAN

The Abra sleeps 18 hours a day, recharging its powerful psychic ability. The Abra will teleport if startled, making this unassuming Pokemon incredibly hard to catch. Equipped with a telepathic radar, Abra's can easily identify approaching enemies, making things all the more difficult. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Lemme guess, you were probably thinking Jigglypuff, right? C'mon! Sing is only marginally effective and most of your crappy Pokemon wouldn't be fast enough to catch an Abra before it teleports. Your best bet is to chuck a quickball at it, or just a regular Pokeball if your funds are low, and hope for the best... NEXT!

NOTE: Let your Abra sleep and keep plenty of spoons handy.

KADABRA
Height: 4'3
Weight:124.6lbs
PSYCHIC TYPE
Habitat: URBAN

Did you know female Kadabra's have a shorter mustache? Of course you didn't. Well, for all you new to the Pokeverse, Kadabra's are the next evolution for Alakazam. Watch out this guy emits telekinetic waves that induce headaches. It likes to walk around with a silver spoon. Not just a fashion statement, the spoon enhances its mental ability. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Ghost Type Pokemon prove incredibly effective. Give it a good Shadow Punch with Gengar, Duskull, etc.

NOTE: Make sure to keep your Kadabra intellectually stimulated. It loves Backgammon and 3D Puzzles. Teach him everything you can because the evolution of this Pokemon doesn't learn new tricks.

ALAKAZAM
Height: 4'11
Weight: 105.8
PSYCHIC TYPE
Habitat: URBAN

The funny thing about these guys is that they can only be created by trading. So if you want an Alakazam, trade him to a Pokemon Trainer you trust and then have him returned to you immediately. The sheer energy of this psychic transference makes a Kadabra evolve into a Alakazam. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Trust no-one! Steal that sucker, Team Rocket Style.

FUN FACT: Alakazam's don't live very long. Their necks eventually snap from the weight of their heads.

JINX
Height: 4'7
Weight: 89.5 lbs
PSYCHIC/ICE TYPE
Habitat: URBAN

Proof that there are cracked out hoes in the Pokemon realm. This creepy little Pokemon spends its days rocking back and forth, screeching to itself incoherently. (Warning, this Pokemon may cause you to dance uncontrollably.) It has psychic abilities and can cast ice moves as well, so mastering Blizzard should be no problem. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Why would you want one anyway. They're lame... NEXT!

NOTE: My professional opinion, take this sucker out back and shoot it like Old Yeller before you get too attached. You want to be a Pokemaster or a Pokemother? You can't coddle every lame Pokemon you come across.

MAGIKARP
Height: 2'11
Weight: 22.0 lbs
WATER TYPE
Habitat: THE FUCKING OCEAN, OBVIOUSLY.

Magickarp's are as stupid as they look. With a low I.Q. and no way to defend itself, a Magickarp can pretty much be taken out by a fish net. However, they evolve into Gyarados so it might be worth sticking it out. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Fish Pokemon are weak against LIGHTNING TYPES and attacks from above. If you have a Zapados (half bird, half-electricity) blitzkrieg that sucker and keep him in a fish bowl until he evolves into something useful.

NOTE: You're a crappy Pokemon Trainer compared to me, Jeremy Condra.

MAGIC SPOTTING

2009-12-03T14:14:00.002-05:00

EDITOR'S NOTE

2009-12-02T23:45:00.002-05:00

Who Wouldn't Go?
by Justin Johnson

There's no other way to describe it. The feeling that maybe - just maybe - it's not all a ruse. This time of year is considered the most magical, and I see why. I get into this infectious, unshakable good mood that can only be explained by the time of year. The cooling off of the weather, the busying up of schedules, the buzz of winter coming. The holidays are magic to me.

It's strange. Would it feel this way if the holidays were in July, or if it never cooled off, or if things were just normal until that day? Probably not. I think it's attributed to this rush of a change in the schedule. You get into a routine, day-in, day-out, until suddenly it's late November and you're running around visiting people you only see once a year. Then, you're shopping and going to parties and visiting more people you never see and this sudden burst of activity jolts you up - magically. You can feel dead, then the next minute you're full of energy and flying through everything. That, to me, is magic.

The holidays are filled with this stuff. Santa magically makes it down the chimney and flies around the world in one night. He magically knows what kids want. But the best part is that for one day, what we consider to be magic becomes the norm. Everything on Christmas is just how things are; there is nothing mystical or other-worldly about it. The fact that we can take magic and make it not magic says a lot. We are able to transform what we don't understand into what we do understand.

Magic is what makes the holidays special. It's not the chaos and the fun; it's how we take magic in and create the new us that will encounter the year to come. We are the magic.

MAGIC

2009-12-01T10:40:00.008-05:00

What is magic?

Often it's our word for the intriguing yet unknown; the gray, malleable areas of existence.

Magicians entertain us because they understand this area of existence and they're able to use it to seemingly bend reality to their will. Yet, we also know they are deceiving us, that their magic is not real magic, but skill we admire as the skill of a professional athlete or performer. In fact, anyone who is talented in a certain area could be accused of having a sort of "magic", an ability to warp the boundaries of possibility.

Yet, in this sense, we aren't just referencing skill. No, there is something extra within talented people which allows them to excel in a particular area. It is as mystical as the force which moves the planchette across the Ouija board or the dowsing rod to a particular spot. What made them this way? Why were they chosen? Who chose them?

As we ask this question about people, we could also ask it about other things. Why did we choose 3 and 7 as lucky numbers. What is luck? Why do we associate it with certain inanimate objects?

For luck is just as much magic as sleight-of-hand and a wizard's wand.

The question, then, is this: is magic us or is it beyond us? Are we tapping into the Great Beyond or are we deceiving ourselves to serve our own over-active imaginations?

After all, magic isn't just new age shops and card tricks. It's mathematics (the magic square, magic numbers) and religion (faith healers, sacred objects). It's inundated so deeply into reality that we barely notice it sometimes, Santa Claus is magic but he is also a catalyst for consumerism and, therefore, an essential idol within capitalism.

Even love is of a most mystical and (dare we say) magical nature.

There are multiple essences to magic and it's indicative of American society that we are so fast, so distracted we have yet to examine fully the depth of our acceptance of this term and all its incarnations.

This month, ERGO Magazine will explore magic in its most supposedly frivolous as well most serious aspects. Hopefully, this month's issue will be a realization that what we all think we think about magic is an illusion after all.

REJECTED IDEAS

2009-11-30T16:54:00.002-05:00

RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB
Noodles with Lucy Liu
(We asked her to do noodles because she's Asian. That's not racist, is it?)

HUMAN VS.
Nabokov
(We thought you pronounced his name NO-bo-kov. Big mistake. Glad we didn't do that one. Actually, I think he's a human. Can someone check on that?)

THE INFORMED OBSERVER
Big Brother Controls Your Nose, The Government Conspiracy Against Bad Smells
(Turns out Nabokov is not human. He's Russian.)

TREES: WTF?
(A new monthly feature!)

THE PEANUT BUTTER KID'S SCIENCE CORNER
NO: Mom's Favorite Word
(Can someone phone Lucy Liu and tell her we're really sorry?)

BIT LIT
NO! DAMMIT! F this GAME!
(Nabokov can eat a NO-sized dick.)

FOURTHOUGHT

2009-11-30T09:30:00.000-05:00

NO ONE
You can't just depend on the chemistry of charming leads. Sometimes it takes teamwork; a large cast to adequately convey a small message and the following films best exemplify this. Friendships, synergy, and one stellar pair of pearls; these are the four best ensembles.

AMERICAN PIE (1999): Screeching onto the screen, American Pie was like no other film that came before it, making the sex-crazed antics of Porky's look like a Disney Channel movie. Sure, it followed the same structure of teen flicks that populated the better part of the 80's and early 90's, but it was groundbreaking in that it accurately portrayed the the sex lives of the average American high school student. American Pie birthed the era of the gross-out comedy and the "UNRATED" DVD, and can be thanked for popularizing the word MILF. These achievements can be credited to Jim's pie-f*^&ing, Stifler's foul mouth, Finch's irritable bowel, Oz's lakeside love scene, Kevin's cunning cunnilingus, Michelle's frisky flute, and Nadia's boobs.

(Larry Clark's "KIDS" was WAY less funny.)

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985):

"Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
...and an athlete...
...and a basket case...
...a princess...
...and a criminal...
Does that answer your question?
... Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club."

OCEAN'S ELEVEN ( 2001): One of the few occasions where a remake is as great as the original. Both versions ooze classiness, but the latter had better actors. Where the Rat Pack crooners definitely had charm, the re-do was a star-studded event with more Oscar gold than a red carpet. Getting all these names together, is just as impressive as a casino heist. Director Stephen Soderbergh is nothing short of a mastermind, giving each of these actors decent screen time.

(Ocean's 12 & 13, not so great.)

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S (1969): The outfit that inspired countless Audrey Hepburn parties. Iconic Hepburn as Holly Golightly and her store front outfit remains timeless and elegant. Each of her accessories, from the earrings to the gloves to the purse to the cigarette, compliments her dress. The coup de grace - the massive pearl necklace draped around her clavicle which succeeds in hiding Hepburn's slinky neck and accenting her gorgeous jaw line. That's one hell of an ensemble!

("It's everything you've wanted to do, and Audrey Hepburn's the one you've always wanted to do it with!")

HUMAN VS.

2009-11-28T07:28:00.002-05:00

Norway

According to the International Monetary Fund, Norway is the wealthiest country in the world. It paid off all debts and has a pension fund of $200 billion. Needless to say, it's pretty well off. In comparing humans and Norway, it's probably best to make the playing field as equal as possible. Therefore, the world's richest country is going to go head-to-head with the world's richest man, Bill Gates.

As wealth is the primary point of comparison, Bill Gates and Norway will be compared on three essential features of a wealthy individual (or nation): stability, altruism and responsibility. These three characteristics are the best judge of an entity's essence when said entity is rich. Why? Stability ensures the entity will remain rich, thereby solidifying its identity as a wealthy entity. Altruism ensures the entity will remain "human" by recognizing the rights and existence of other entities, thereby solidifying its existence within our reality. Responsibility is the third strand in the rope which ties the two previous characteristics together by ensuring there is discipline to keep both in check so the entity does not fall apart.

Stability

Norway and Bill Gates have had a history of both tumultuous and placid times. Norway had Vikings, The Black Death and World War I and II, while Bill Gates has had the death of his mother, a traffic violation in 1977 and an antitrust suit filed against Microsoft in 1998.

Both Bill Gates and Norway reached a threshold where after crossing they maintained personal stability. For Norway this time came after World War II. The country's oil reserves and financial planning to this day leaves them as the wealthiest country in the world. Furthermore, their currency (the Krone) is considered by bankers to be the most stable world currency currently. Bill Gates' threshold meanwhile was the fall of Microsoft's stock as well as his own wealth's decline. Yet, he still maintains a considerable fortune at nearly $100 billion dollars.

Both Norway and Bill Gates appear equal in stability.

Altruism

Kindness goes a long way in making friends whether you're a software entrepreneur or a Scandinavian nation. Norway has certainly answered this call within their own country, using their savings to provide health care for all citizens and specialized care for the elderly.

Norway is also a founding member of North Atlantic Treaty Organization, United Nations and the European Union (EU). They have been active alongside the UN with work in the Sudan and Kosovo. The have over 80 embassies across the world and 60 in their capital city of Oslo. Overall, Norway gets a gold star for their contributions to the world community.

Bill Gates is not to be outdone. In 1994 he sold some of his Microsoft stock to create the William H. Gates Foundation. Later, he combined that organization with three Gates family foundations to create the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Gates' Foundation has provided money for AIDS research, education in America and abroad, poverty and TB vaccinations to name a few. However, Gates has received criticism that the Foundation does not give as much as it could and some of the organizations receiving Foundation money utilize tactics which have actually made poverty worse in some cases.

Yet, Gates actually surpasses Norway in altruism. Not necessarily in money, but in the diversity of programs sponsored. While Norway has given support to the international community, its welfare programs remain primarily inclusive. Although Gates' Foundation has received criticism, it does not overshadow the amount of good it does in such diverse places. Gates takes the cake in this category.

Responsibility

What does it mean to be a responsible country? First, it means maintaining stability by ensuring needs are met within its own borders, which Norway does. Second, it means projecting an image that ensures respect is held for the money and support it gives. Norway's solid currency and positive first step in ecologically friendly activities (e.g. renewable and alternative energy use, pollution control, etc.) sets itself as a role model for other countries. Thereby, Norway presents not only tangible goods to the world community, but intangible goods; giving but also living in a positive manner. Both these steps contribute to a world community in need of guideposts for operating a healthy society.

The same goes for being a responsible person. Are needs met within the person's life and does it project an image which ensures respect for the money it gives? Gates has successfully raised three children alongside his wife, Melinda. They are comfortably housed in a 66,000 sq. foot home. He engages in outdoor activities such as golf and tennis to supplement his health. He is also an avid reader with a large home library. This, alongside an active business life, keeps his mind active. Although Gates was an acerbic boss and businessman in the early years of Microsoft, he has since withdrawn from business life and focused on altruistic ventures in the latter years of his life. This reflective rather than active position portrays a positive sense of security and self-worth as Gates is no longer driven to out-do competitors, rather to help others.

Both Bill Gates and Norway match each other in responsibility. Overall, it appears Norway falls short of human beings as it is still slightly withdrawn from full-investment in human affairs (as opposed to political affairs) as its status as a country prevents this. Gates has stretched his (and Microsoft's) wallet to cover the world.

This is possible for individual human beings, while a country - made up of many individuals with differing motives - cannot possibly achieve this type of linear projection. Countries, although rich, have too many political considerations to make any great leaps. It is, as it has always been, up to individuals to invest in others, to save the world.

RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB

2009-11-25T15:56:00.009-05:00

Welcome back to the Recipe of the Month Club. This month we welcome rock star and philanthropist Bono to give us the secret behind his Sunday Bloody Sundae!

Here's what you'll need:

1/2 pound semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
2 tablespoons sugar
1/4 cup whipping cream
1 tablespoon kirsch (cherry liqueur), optional
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 quart vanilla ice cream
2 cups pitted Bing cherries

Okay, Bono. Take it away.

Yes. Thank you. Just wanted to say this recipe makes about 8 servings. That's 8 more servings than any starving Zimbabwean child with an AIDS-infected mother will ever get by the way. Just thought you should know.

In a 1 1/2- to 2-quart pan over lowest heat, combine chocolate, sugar, cream, kirsch, and vanilla.

Look at all these ingredients. Quite a substantial amount of food we're throwing into a dessert you're probably only going to eat half of. In fact, I've got a whole bag of sugar we can use. Let's use about 1 cup and dump the rest down the drain. Sound good? While we're at it, let's dump all the food out. We can start with the rice and...well...I'll do the rice. YOU can toss the meat into the trash can. After all, we can just go buy some more.

Stir until smooth.

This is great. A nice full day of doing nothing but stirring this mixture until it's silky smooth. What luxury we live in! How blessed we are! Do you know what people in Africa are doing right about now? DYING OF AIDS.

Serve warm or hot; makes 1 cup.

1 cup. Interesting. That's probably less than what many African orphans are going to eat all day or maybe all week. Don't believe me? Look at this picture...oh, you don't want to see? What? Make you lose your appetite?

Scoop ice cream into bowls.

You know who would love to have a bowl full of food? A starving African child. I know PLENTY of them. Holding out their bowls, asking for food. You know that donation station you passed up outside the entrance to Wal-Mart? The older woman with the stubble and Irish accent? Well, THAT was ME. Under cover.
I'm everywhere and I'm watching YOU. Feel like making a donation now? How about buying the new U2 album? You know each time you refuse to give a donation it's like knocking the food bowl out of a small African child's hands.

Top with cherries and pour sauce over fruit.

You are a filthy, lazy, selfish, cruel, inhumane, ignorant HUMAN BEING and I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. Have fun eating your precious ice cream sundae. It was paid for with the lives of starving children.

Thanks Bono. Join us next month for new (and hopefully, less depressing) Recipe of the Month! Chow!

EDITOR'S NOTE

2009-11-25T14:25:00.000-05:00

SNEAK by Justin Johnson

Ever notice how you can't escape NO?

No?

Well then.

What about growing up and learning that ever-important set of symbols known as The Alphabet?

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

It's almost right in the middle.

What about the middle point of the day, 12:00 pm?

Also known as NOON.

There are two NOs in there. One's just backwards.

What's right in the middle of your face?

Your NOSE.

We're controlled by NO.

Don't believe me?

What controls our bodies? The brain.

AKA
Your Noodle
Your Noggin

Tell me a knock-knock joke if you know one and I'll make note of it. Then I'll nod approvingly at the notion that nothing is wrong, and I'll notify you shortly as to the no. of times the word NO appears in reverse in just this single post on this blog. (It's nine. What shape has nine sides? The Nonagon. This word alone adds two more reverse no's, and this sentence adds another.)

Can we ever escape the Island of No?

I think you already know the answer.

POP ROOTS

2009-11-23T14:33:00.001-05:00

An Upturned No
Alternative music, music snobs and the narcissism of rejection

In some ways one could see the reason behind Eddie Vedder's boycott of Ticketmaster and music videos. While his Ticketmaster boycott was a much tamer version of fellow grunge musician Kurt Cobain's rebellion against the plasticity of fame, his boycott against music videos appears motivated by a side of popular music he saw as unnecessary and self-aggrandizing. In this sense, he was something of a prophet as the dawn of the new millennium pulled the veil from the market-driven, ADHD-inducing whore known as MTV. In fact, MTV itself acknowledged its own rejection of its traditional standpoint of offering music television with a series if commercials arrogantly announcing the advent of MTV2 for those viewers who had to see music on music television (one of them featured a television being thrown through someone's window...if that's not a "fuck you here's your waffle," then nothing is).

But there's a subtle layer of arrogance to the "NO" alternative musicians give to fame; something that's not just motivated by social awareness, but status and image. And it affects not just them, but their fans as well.

In discussing alternative music, it's helpful to define the term"alternative music". The phrase itself is temporary as whatever is alternative eventually becomes mainstream. Alternative music is, in practice, any music which rebels against the accepted norm and provides a subversive "pop" music which neither desires nor expresses a wish to be pop music. This, in itself, is a struggle alternative musicians face as they struggle to rise above projecting a desire to be subversive when they no longer have to be (e.g. Fallout Boy or Eminem).

Fame is as difficult (perhaps even more so) an obstacle to overcome than obscurity; especially when one emerges from an underground/alternative music scene. Popularity could be anathema to a group built on rebelling against the machine. Perhaps it's why so many of these types of groups split. The infrastructure on which they're built is tainted and unsustainable when they become famous.

The best place to start the discussion is 80s rock: the foundation of an "alternative" music movement in the public consciousness. Politico-rock influenced by punk bands such as The Sex Pistols was just settling into the public mind frame and the 60s countercultural music was a fossil. The dollar looked as if it could go on forever and the music world seemed eternally malleable. Actually, it's The Sex Pistols which should be discussed first. Their nihilistic arrogance appears the base of narcissism in alternative rock. An antagonistic view of modern rock and the shallowness they saw in it was as polarizing as the music they spoke against. In other words, you're either with us or you're a wanker.

It was also a narcissism they embraced. They didn't want to be famous. They didn't want fans. At the same time, they did. They stayed in show business, playing shows and doing television. Johnny Lydon's snarling, brash interview with Tom Snyder on The Tomorrow Show in the early '80s was indicative of this attitude. Yet, in a 1997 interview with Snyder Lydon admitted it was "all show business". Lydon and The Sex Pistols may have had a pure rebellious motive at the beginning, but somewhere in there it became an act, a schtick people bought. Look at Lydon on VH1 and see if you don't agree.

The punk movement faded quickly in the 80s. With the advent of shiny clothes, ubiquitous synthesizing and music videos, the attentive music fan may have considered Lydon and those of the punk movement prophets in regard to the superficiality of the modern music scene, which seemed playing to itself rather than the public.

As punk was to the early 80s, so grunge became to the early 90s. The anger was still there, but now it was more internally than externally destructive. This was the era of Vedder and Cobain. As mentioned earlier both men saw the transformative qualities of the media and rebelled against it. Vedder rebelled by recognizing the flaws in the machine and refusing fame in favor of art and truth. Utilizing his underground roots, Vedder used his status to protest against wrongs he saw in (or outside of, as the case may be) society. It was something received openly as his open antagonism against the typical path to celebrity-dom painted him as a genuine artist with ideas rather than gimmicks.

Cobain had the opposite approach; he killed himself. Although it seems his reaction was just as potent for changing the Red Carpet's ways, Cobain's self-indulgent suicide letter was as much a sign of arrogance as Johnny Lydon's smart-ass remarks to Tom Snyder. It was even more so. Cobain, by killing himself, also portrayed himself as a martyr unable to hold up against the oppressive media machine. Yet, it was a selfish decision. He left a widow, a fatherless child and countless grieving fans. Cobain said NO and only NO. He provided no reasons beyond this. It was ignorant and arrogant. For proof, see Courtney Love's rage-soaked monologue at a vigil for Cobain shortly after his death. His suicide was a loss to the music world, but one senses Cobain knew it would be and maybe that's why he did it. If this is the case, his suicide is pure irony.

Of course, he didn't start off thinking of himself as a savior to rock n' roll in the beginning. Once upon a time, it was about music. Yet, the pressure and the funhouse mirror of fame did him in. As it was said earlier, alternative musicians cannot remain alternative.

On the coattails of the grunge movement, in the waning years of the 90s, Radiohead emerged as an impressive force from the U.K. Thom Yorke's etheric voice, crooning underdog ballads of an unfair world quickly earned legions of fans who identified with his pain. With each additional album, the songs became more cryptic, even more erudite one might say. Radiohead never blessed out a late-night talk show host, but they did offer their album for free for a short period of time; something which gave a music industry struggling with music pirating shivers in their spine. Even still, in a band as seemingly impervious to the pop machine as Radiohead, tendrils of narcissism are creeping through. Consider Radiohead's response to Miley Cyrus' desire to record with them. "When Miley Cyrus grows up she'll learn not to have such a sense of entitlement," they said. What motivates this response? Or, their Kanye West snub at this year's Grammys, which caused West to respond virulently during a VH1 Storytellers. Of course, West himself is no Humble John as several acts of big-headedness, including his upstage of Taylor Swift's VMA moment, indicate.

All these people were musicians with no fans at one point. At some point they crossed the threshold where there was a separation between the thought and the act. The NO for these musicians is, in a sense, a euphemism for their perceived impact on the music world. The NO for these musicians is inclusive; it does not allude to a deeper reason. It is merely an expression of their perceived importance. To do otherwise is risky, as mentioned earlier. Bands which attempted to say no to fame without actually embracing their abstract rebellion must play their cards delicately, otherwise they end up imploding from a supernova to a white dwarf (Rage Against The Machine, for example). The more strategic bands pick and choose their battles (The Dead Kennedys and The Clash) and hang around a bit longer before evaporating beneath the radar. Has any band ever remained true to their rebellious nature and remained extant? It seems not.

Yet, more interesting is the fruit these bands produce. Arrogance appears passed audibly in this sense as one marvels at the pride (and perhaps, arrogance) fans of bands such as The Sex Pistols and Radiohead take in simply by being fans of The Sex Pistols and Radiohead. Intriguingly, this level of fandom is surpassing the fame bestowed on musicians. Just as postmodern literary critics say literary criticism is itself literature, so music fans are bestowing ultimate power upon musical knowledge more so than music. The hot topic in music blogs is, superficially, the music; however, undulating beneath that is the arrogance of being the first to hear a song, the first to notice flaws or inconsistencies in the recording process, a discussion of inane facts about or comments made by the band. Displaying this information and one's individual reaction to it is the majority of a music blog.

The current modus is using the music as a catalyst for talking about oneself. This is a "genetic" characteristic which began in the rejection of mainstream music by certain bands, then given the label "alternative". It is inevitable to cross the line; to remain alternative is impossible as one eventually (with increasing fame) becomes mainstream. Yet, the desire to embrace rejection - as this defined one's essence as an alternative band - is addictive and the fear of being accused of a sell-out if one doesn't is always there. After a while, rejection becomes a brand and once it becomes a brand it becomes ungrounded. Rejection has no meaning and when rejection has no meaning, it is snobbery. Fans of the band in turn embrace not the lyrics or the spirit of the band's music, but the group's snobbery. Ergo, fans become snobs.

In a time where it is possible to know all bands in all places, the rebellious attitude once admired in rock n' roll for its subversive nature to alter a corrupt society has become the sickness. It has created a culture where people no longer listen to music, but talk about themselves listening to music.

NO SPOTTING

2009-11-20T13:39:00.000-05:00

THE LIST

2009-11-19T19:45:00.002-05:00

A culture that has become increasingly interconnected has revealed itself as helplessly repetitive. This is much to the chagrin of a society wherein each member is thoroughly convinced of their uniqueness. There has to be a way to regain a tidbit of individuality, and there is! Just remember...

The Top 5 Things Nobody Should Say Ever Again

1. "I listen to everything."

The most common response to the question, "What kind of music do you listen to?" It is often motivated by a desire to appear incredibly eclectic. However, depending upon the person, "everything" could mean all music except "country" or "classical" or "Enya" or "80s Techno" (among others). It's indicative of an online community which becomes a mirror image of everyone in order to appeal to every possible taste, while simultaneously attempting to appear unique and diverse. The truth is nobody listens to everything. Everyone has a particular taste and particular standards in music which they will not compromise.

2. "That's sick."

Born out of the X-Games culture of the late '90s to early '00s, it was used to indicate a particularly nasty fall. Yet, like clothing fashions such as Billabong and Rusty, it transcended its context to become ubiquitous. Popular among the tweenies and the teens, it has remained one device of those aiming for extended youth appeal. Yet, it reached the maximum density once belonging to "bling-bling" as it crept into those above 35. It's no longer spicy or shocking. "Sick" is no longer sick and should be allowed a peaceful death.

3. "LOL"

This was perfectly fine as chat argot, but the internet just couldn't stay put. The phrase became part of the lexicon a few years ago. Spoken, the word is no where near as effective as it once was on the internet. As a result the word has lost net cred and is being replaced with the incredibly adorable ^^ and :D

4. "Where's the love?"

Long before the Black Eyed Peas song of similar nominal quality, this was an appeal by people (usually assholes) to be given a break. Therefore, it (like "sick") was only used by a certain segment of the population. Black Eyed Peas attempted to subvert this with a vague pop ballad asking for change somewhere in someplace. It didn't last long and "Where's the love?" is once again one of the top phrases used by assholes.

5. "Shizznit."

The West Coast cousin to "Bling, Bling", this was searching for a gravestone when it received common usage in office e-mails. (e.g. "That office Christmas party was the shizznit!") Popularized by Snoop Doggy Dogg and once a vivacious slang, its mere usage now causes surrounding parties to roll the eyes and emit tiresome sighs. Its usage is also almost entirely consigned to, of course, assholes, in order to appear less assholish.

BIT LIT

2009-11-17T21:09:00.000-05:00

No Limits?
The lie of open-world gaming

The story has been told so much that it's commonplace: the advent of the third dimension saved video games from disappearing. The market was floundering, and something innovative needed to happen. So, systems got more powerful, developers got gutsier, and gaming began a surge that still continues today. Super Mario 64 is largely cited as the game that set the precedent, the one that all the others would aspire to be. Every game that comes out owes a small piece of gratitude to it.

The novelty lied in the fact that this was the first fully three-dimensional, open-world game. One in which the path was not so linear, where a player could accomplish goals without even realizing it due to the multiple locations available at once. Sure, locations could only be unlocked with a certain number of stars, but there was nothing telling you what order to play levels in. There was no path restriction, such as in side-scrollers or vertical shmups, and the user was in control of what was going to happen as they saw fit. The third-dimension opened up this idea drastically.

Jump to 2001, when mega-hit Grand Theft Auto III is released, and the phrase "sandbox game" is inserted into the lexicon. A sandbox game is a game that allows full real-world roaming; unlike Super Mario 64, which relied on a hub world of Peach's castle to provide gateways to other worlds, Grand Theft Auto III had all of its action in one location: Liberty City. Said to provide users with true interaction, one could circle the game's entire setting without ever leaving the main world. The main world can't even be called a "main world," because it is the only world.

These two types of games illustrate the main point: three-dimensional game worlds are not truly three-dimensional. Yes, there are three dimensions illustrated and roamed through, but the problem lies in the fact that games have limits. There is no way to create a true 3d world.

Take into account swimming in Banjo-Kazooie, also released for the Nintendo 64, on the level Treasure Trove Cove. The level is an island in the seemingly endless ocean, but the area of navigable water ends just a few yards beyond the island. This is due to the fact that software and hardware limitations can't allow for endless data repetition. This is not just an issue of outdated technology. Every medium has limits.

The problem with the fallacy of true worlds in digital form doesn't lie in the technology; at this point, there simply isn't a way to eliminate invisible walls in games. There have to be boundaries, methods which pull the player back into what they're supposed to be doing, rather than just wandering around. The problem lies in the fact that these games are advertised and sold under the premise of full worlds. Agencies want a player to feel as if this world could really exist; but if that were so, we should be able to start walking one direction and possibly end up in a different world, just like in real life, no matter how long we walked. This is impossible, and as a game, it would be a terrible decision.

Even a game such as Katamari Damacy, one in which you actually roll up the world, you're still operating on a sphere, in space. You have bounds. This is as close as one gets to a true, fully-realized world, because it has no beginning and no end. 99 percent of games today have walls, putting the player in a box. And there is nothing wrong with that. Games need bounds. But when a game company says a game has no limits, they really mean it has no limits within the game's own limits.

THE INFORMED OBSERVER

2009-11-16T08:29:00.006-05:00

The Informed Observer does not necessarily reflect the views of ERGO Magazine.

No Clothes, No Service
Nudism and the liberal scheme to ruin the children of America

I'm all for a balanced viewpoint, but let's be honest: last month's post by that man-hating, hairy pitted (probably), yuppie Indigo Girl-wannabe going by the name of "The Man Sogynist" was a little off the deep end. I'm not going to attack the frivolity of her as a pundit for...what? Women's cardigans? No, that's too easy! I'm talking something much to sinister. And I quote...

Fight back. A change has to occur. We came close with Hillary, but America wasn't ready yet. So, we have to MAKE them ready. We have to show them that until they change this sexist buttoning system we're buying zippered clothing, seamless clothing. We could even have a NUDE MARCH on Washington D.C. to demonstrate how sick we are of being treated like objects, like lesser-thans. (ERGO Magazine, October 2009)

But before we start burning our bras and sling-shooting our Speedos, I've gotta wax a little truth: nudism doesn't just mean no clothes; it means the end of America and I've got a laundry list of problems that need a light of justice thrown over their shady suggestions. Interested? I thought so. Read on.

First, dear informed reader, there's a reason we wear clothes. I don't care if you think it's because you Eve bit the apple or an ape developed a brain, we wear clothes because nudity IS meant to be a personal shin-dig. You do it in your own home, in your shower and the bedroom. Now all those nay-saying hippies that argue in favor of stripping to their skin and flaunting around in some European resort won't like that. They'll say, 'Don't preach to me! I can do what I want!'

You know, sometimes I question giving the First Amendment to everyone.

Let me be clear, I'm not saying people can't do what they want. If you want to drag your family into some depraved social experiment for the benefit of seeing a bunch of dangling parts that should've been covered up twenty years ago, then be my guest. I'll withhold my personal opinion that folks who trudge into places like that proudly displaying potato-sack titties that drag the ground and flap jobbies that swing like porch screen doors.

Do what you want. It's a free country. Of course. That's all I preach. Naturally, I have my own ideas that if your pubic area looks like a briar patch and you've got an ass like an owl hanging from a slingshot, then put some clothes on! Actually, most of the pictures from nudist colonies I've looked at feature pot-bellied Bigfoot look-a-likes that have NEVER heard of the wonder of Nair Hair Removal.

Of course, this is all just my opinion. No need to take that as gospel. Of course, I have had phone conversations with some of the top talk-radio pundits...on the air conversations. But that's no reason to take my opinion. How about a little truth serum. You ready for this? Careful. If you're into butt-naked beach combing, you may want to advert your eyes from THE TRUTH.

Let's broach the elephant in the room, shall we? (Interesting that the elephant stands for the truth...the opposite would be a JACK ASS.) Nudist colonies post their pics online. Now, this would be fine by me. After all, it's just whack-mag material then. But, these retreats are for families and if you don't get where this rollercoaster is going, let me smack you in the face with it: KIDS ARE PART OF FAMILIES -> KIDS ARE NAKED IN THESE PICTURES -> NAKED KID PICTURES = CHILD PORNOGRAPHY.

I don't care if you're allowing them to express themselves freely.
One look at those pics of your little ones with their small parts showing and
Lance Handsy-Pants has free reign to express himself freely all over them. Take 'em out for an ice cream and a game of Doctor.

DON'T GROAN. THIS IS THE UNADULTERATED TRUTH.

And hey, if you don't like it, go back to Bill Maher and his Home Bitch Office channel to hear him push the sordid liberal agenda for sex in the streets with men who might be women and women who might be men.

After all, that's who's really behind this. Liberal government officials with their pumpkin spice mochas, falling all over this "be free, be naked sentiment" simply because it's got a hot trot in Europe. Oh, didn't know that? Yeah, quick history lesson Nancy Naivete: nudism originated in Germany prior to the first World War.

That's right. Germany. What else came out of Germany? Oh, I don't know. Sauerkraut, Karl Marx and

NAZIS.

So, if you want to get behind a social movement that originated in the same scum pond as the Nazis, be my guest.

But listen, if you're still up in arms about my no-clothes diatribe, ask yourself this:

Do you really think this man should ever be seen naked?

Don't give in, reader. Fight the power, educate yourself, know the truth.

This is The Informed Observer signing out.

NO SPOTTING

2009-11-15T15:44:00.000-05:00

EDITOR'S NOTE

2009-11-11T12:22:00.008-05:00

The Paradox of No

by Nick Hilbourn

There's something mysterious about No. In a certain usage, it can be considered rude, unkind. Refusing someone help is even illegal in some circumstances. Yet, No is also a necessity. We know, even if it is subconscious, that we need to hear No. Otherwise, how do we better ourselves? How do we understand our life's path if not for a few doors slamming in our faces?

Even more, a Yes Man is a pejorative term for someone. One who is willing to say No is considered brave, one with insight into the proper structure of things. So it seems there may be a fondness for No.

But society is quite equivocal in this manner. It knows it needs to hear No, it even goes so far as to praise the experience of hearing No, but it stops short of embracing the No. Advertising is based on saying Yes. Pop culture is founded on Yes. Maybe because the focus calls attention to all the positive attributes of Yes (voting rights for women, equal rights for minorities...) and downplays the negative attributes (high rates of teen pregnancy, drug abuse...).

It's quite difficult to be one who embraces the term No, even when it could be considered appropriate, without being considered a jerk. Verily, the No Man becomes a sacrificial lamb for the sake of societal balance. It is a hard job saying No, but some are up to the challenge. Some are not worried about losing popularity over No.

They know that saying No can actually be freeing. They are not forced to conform themselves to the capricious and conflicting desires of society, but carve out their own path using No as a sickle. They know that while saying No does not make one the most popular, society needs to hear it.

It's a poison to many of us, but it's also an elixir of necessity.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

2009-11-09T12:58:00.000-05:00

Breakups

For:
Emily Dickinson

Proud of my broken heart since thou didst break it,
Proud of the pain I did not feel till thee,
Proud of my night since thou with moons dost slake it,
Not to partake thy passion, my humility.

Against:
Edgar Allen Poe

For, alas! alas! me
The light of Life is o'er!
"No more- no more- no more-"
(Such language holds the solemn sea
To the sands upon the shore)
Shall bloom the thunder-blasted tree
Or the stricken eagle soar!

Emily Dickinson and Edgar Allen Poe are writers of the American Renaissance. Each of them was ignored as a literary master during their lifetime.

NO SPOTTING

2009-11-07T08:23:00.004-05:00

SURVIVAL TIPS

2009-11-04T08:29:00.000-05:00

Coping with Rejection

with Justin Johnson, a Cubs fan

Hey...hey...how ya doin'? I know...I know, it's been hard - yes, I agree. Come on now, don't do that. I'll start, too. Every year it's the same...you see, I'm a fan, too. The Cubs haven't won the World Series since 1908, and I know, it's hard to accept. The past few years, they've at least made it to the playoffs. Giving us a little hope that maybe, just maybe, this would be the year. But this year, 2009, nothing. Not even a chance at the NL Wild Card. It's heartbreaking - yes, I know. I went to Chicago for the first time this year, and loved it. We're dedicated, yes. Maybe foolishly so. We hold out hope for next year, thinking that it just might be the year. And every year, here we sit, trying to ignore the glory of our major league colleagues. Now the MLB season is coming to a close, but this year, I have help. Steps to help us cope with the years of playoff rejection by our boys in blue.

1. Acknowledge the rejection
Don't run from it. We have to face facts. The Cubs are notorious for choking under pressure, most readily evidenced in 2003 (No, let's not talk about it). But acknowledging the rejection shows that you're strong and will push forward.

2. Forgive them
We do this every year. The team breaks during the playoffs, and we say, "See you in April! Can't wait for next season!" We've gotten really good at forgiveness.

3. Seek help
During the off-season, don't dwell. Do something to take your mind off of things, or check online. There are websites filled with people like you. There are ways to occupy your mind without dwelling on what. just. happened.

4. Surround yourself with people who support you
Go visit your family. If they know you're a fan, they'll support you. Unless your brother is a White Sox fan...who just won the World Series a few years ago. Otherwise, you should be fine.

5. Open your heart to the possibility of love
Don't. Come on, please, just stay...stay calm. Every year it's the same old thing, and it gets so old, I know. But please, just - think of Dempster! And, and Soto! And - it hurts! My heart hurts! There is love out there! THERE IS LOVE.

6. Trust those who prove trustworthy
THERE ARE PLAYERS WHO WON'T FAIL US. ZAMBRANO IS OUR ACE. OUR ACE WILL SAVE US. FUKUDOME IS EASTERN DANGER. THERIOT IS THE GREAT WHITE HOPE! HE WILL NOT FAIL US! OUR CUBS ARE JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. LOU PINELLA LIGHTS A FIRE BENEATH THEM, AND NEXT YEAR WILL BE THE YEAR!

7. Be willing to be healed
I...I can't - stop - crying...it's been so long...how long must we wait? How long?! I'll...I'll just keep holding on. Next year we'll be rested up and we'll have new players and guys from the farm system and we'll be able to combat the naysayers and fight to the playoffs! I just...I just need a few months.

NO SPOTTING

2009-11-03T07:46:00.002-05:00

NO

2009-11-01T00:00:00.007-04:00

No is No.

No is always No.

If they say No, it means
A thousand times, No!

No plus No equals No (No+No=No)
All No's lead to
No No No

Finger pointing, eyebrows low
Mouth in the shape of the letter
O

Pardon me -
No!
Excuse me -
No!
May I stay?
Can I go?
NO. NO. NO.

Do this -
No!
Don't do that -
No!
Sit, stay, roll over
NO. NO. NO.

Finger pointing, eyebrows low
Mouth in the shape of the letter
O

Red means stop. Do not go.

NO. NO.

NO.

Welcome to November 2009.
The No Issue.
(Lyrics from "No!" by They Might Be Giants)

REJECTED IDEAS

2009-10-31T23:17:00.001-04:00

FOURTHOUGHT
The 4 Best Years In Benjamin Button's Life
(Remember that year, where he wasn't the same age as everyone else?)

RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB
Button Soup (with Real Buttons!)

POP CULTURE FACEOFF
Button-Fly vs. Zipper
(No no no! I have to pee right now!)

BIT LIT
Fuck The Select Button!

SURVIVAL TIPS
How to Lose at "Press Your Luck"
with a Whammy

LOST PAGES
Einstein and the Extra Button Certainty
"...when one's speed surpasses one's capability, one's bottom-most button shall remain unbuttoned..."

HUMAN VS.

2009-10-31T08:45:00.001-04:00

Pea Coats

Pea coats have become one of the most widespread fashion phenomena in recent history. They have crossed the divide of culture and ethnicity. Now, they are at a point where they could reach maximum capacity and explode into oblivion (like ruffled collars) or hibernation (like bell-bottom jeans or mullets).

It is at this maximum capacity that pea coats share their greatest similarity to human beings as both entities reaching a surface tension that calls for an evolution of their current essence or obliteration via nature. Yet, it's time to look, beyond the obvious, at the history and influence humans and pea coats share to identify what kind of connection they have and what it means for their future.

Pea coats first appeared in the 19th century as sailor apparel, getting their name from the coarse cloth used to make them named "pij". They had high collars to protect a sailor from wind and rain and two sets of buttons: one which buttoned and the other for show. The current pea coat is made from wool, a much softer cloth than the classical "pij". The common color was dark blue, but has now been designed with several different colors as the coats are especially popular among women.

The recent popularity of the pea coat is not the first military clothing to catch on in the mainstream. One can't ignore the undulating fanfare of camouflage, combat boots and dog tags among various social groups. Pea coats are only the sign of a continuing infatuation with military fashion.

Why does military dress catch on? There are several possibilities for this. The first one could be financial. Skin heads (the social group, not the racist bastards of the same name) have long sported camouflage and combat boots. As a group born out of the British working class, their bearing of this style of clothing could be that many of them were sailors and they had nothing else. The skin head movement gave this group of sense of pride in their poverty, a sense of righteousness. Also, sailors are traditionally vagrant folk, a consequence of which is their possessions scattered far and wide; ending up in second stores across the nation and ocean. Combine this with the heightened social awareness of the punk movement in Europe and its eventual deterioration: punk becomes punk rock becomes pop punk, thereby spilling its seeds on an unsuspecting younger generation, who share in the current obsession with vintage clothing. Those clothes in the Salvation Army are not just for those running low on cash; they're for the fashionably aware who feel that shabby and/or cheap equal uniqueness. It doesn't necessarily hold water. Still, don't tell that to your friend proudly sporting his new pea coat from the second hand store.

Of course, that seed was watered and soon enough sprouted into fashions in the most expensive boutiques and middle-class clothing chains (American Eagle, GAP, etc.). So, the journey of the pea coat goes from military necessity to cheap warm clothing to high dollar fashion item. It doesn't quite make sense, so let's approach a slightly different way. Humans and pea coats are intimately intertwined and it's all to do with the military.

Consider this idea posed by Adrian R. Lewis in The American Culture of War: "Traumatic events in the life of a nation can produce rapid changes in cultural thinking about war. The effects of Hiroshima and the Tet Offensive were felt decades later, and are still creating waves of influence... Both events, in very different ways, damaged the martial spirit of the American people, and influenced subsequent decisions on war. [A nation's spirit, attitude and willingness] to engage in war can change significantly in relatively short periods of time, particularly if they are reinforced by other cultural tenets."

Perhaps the link between pea coats and human is more symbiotic than relative. In a sense, this is the relation between America and war. The United States was birthed out of rebellion and became a country because of war. In this sense, every new stage of development in America has been because of war (e.g. American Revolution: freedom from England; Civil War: freedom of African Americans; World War I: declaration as world power; World War II: apotheosis to world power, etc.). This mirrors the rhythm of fashion, which adopts styles not according to the whim of a few yuppie New Yorkers, but the momentum of society as a whole (flappers: burgeoning women's liberation movement; tie-dye and bell-bottoms: hippie movement; 80s extravagance: Reganomics' credit card-happy society, etc.) War is the rhythm of America, undulating and barely audible at first. Over time it has developed into something much acerbic.

Not to mention the questionable reputation sailors carry for debauchery, heavy drinking and fighting. As humans develop larger societies with little restraint for some of the marginal members of the world, dissociation must happen to deal with the violence we do live in relative luxury. As it happens politically, it is inevitable that this separation of oneself from what one supports indirectly translates into other arenas such as religion, morals and music (e.g. Examine the deterioration of hip hop's social message to the popularity of Soulja Boy Tell 'Em).

Soulja Boy: Sign of the Apocalypse?

It is interesting that the pea coat has come to symbolize something much softer than war or raucous sailors. Its fabric is even softer. What could this mean?
A past that has brought us human slavery, degradation and death in order to achieve comfort for a select few is not exactly appetizing. In this situation, one either revolts against society, swims in its decadence or works the wrongs into the social fabric. Even the most powerful social wrong will reach maximum density (as more and more people speak against it) and explode in the manner of a supernova (e.g the student movement of the 1960s). And in the manner of such explosions, it reverts to a white dwarf. Its tendrils living in the social universe only as a trend rather than a representation of a tumultuous era where change was possible.

So, the relationship between pea coats and humans is, in fact, symbolic of humans' desire to amalgamate past errors into a current societal construct. This is evident in the popularity of Hummers, war-themed video games and toys, etc. Also, it is brutally evident in human beings' styles. Perhaps a subconscious admission of their own nation's violent past. Perhaps a hedonistic embrace of a society tumbling toward militarism or anarchy.

Of course, there's no reason to be cold or unfashionable in the process.

FOURTHOUGHT

2009-10-28T15:22:00.002-04:00

Top Four Displaced Agers (Not Including Benjamin Button)

It seems as though the film industry has always had a love affair with out-of-place agers, but what four characters get our vote as some of the best? Lets find out...

Jack Charles Powell - Jack (1996): Robin Williams plays Jack Powell, a kid that suffers from a genetic disorder that makes him age rapidly, 1 year equals 4, kind of like a dog. Francis Ford Coppala (that’s right, the dude that revolutionized mobster cinema) does a great job keeping things heartfelt and family friendly, despite the underlying sexual tension between Jack and his hot 5th grade teacher (Jennifer Lopez) or the ever present fact that Jack totally looks old enough to score his friends alcohol and porn.

(If there's grass on the field Ms. Marquez, play ball.)

Josh Baskins – Big (1988): When 12 year old Josh Baskins made a wish to be big, little did he know he’d create his own toy line, dance on a giant keyboard, or lose his v-card to Elizabeth Perkins. Yeah, being a grown-up is hard…NOT!

(Great job fellas! Now, play Chopin's Prelude Op.28 number 4)

Edward Cullen – Twilight (2008) / New Moon (2009): VAMPIRES DON’T GLITTER! The Twilight film saga plays like a fantasy themed instructional video, teaching an entire generation of young women with low self-esteem how to enter into destructive relationships. At the center of this campaign is James Dean wannabe, Robert Pattinson in the role of Edward. The clever marketing of the book series, a cute cast of young actors, and hip alternative rock soundtracks trick viewers into watching a bloated story line about a 100-year-old vampire trying to resist the stalker-like tendencies of a whiny goth girl.

(WWJD - What Would Jacob Do?)

Peter Pan – Peter Pan (1953) / Hook (1991) / Return to Neverland (2002) / Peter Pan (2003): Beloved children’s character, or a scathing commentary about man’s inherent fear of growing-up? J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan has been remade onscreen countless times, proving this story will never get old.

(Forever is an awfully long time...)

HONORABLE MENTION
WALL*E - WALL*E (2008)
(Kicking ass, finding love, and saving humanity at 700 years old, that's a damn fine robot!)