5.27.2009

HUMAN VS.

At ERGO, we believe all life is inter-connected and that we have more in common with the animate and inanimate things that share our world than we think. Human Vs. compares an element of humanity to an entity of the nonhuman world to demonstrate this. This month...

Human vs. Walrus

The majesty of the walrus. It was immortalized in Lewis Carroll's "Through The Looking Glass" and brought back into popular conversation with The Beatles' "I Am The Walrus".

It also bares a striking resemblance to film and television star Wilford Brimley:











Comparisons though, between humans and walruses are in short order.

Perhaps because, at first glance, they appear so dissimilar in appearance: the walrus with flippers and tusks and the human with hands, feet and a small but sturdy collection of incisors and molars; the average weight of adult male walruses being 2,700 lbs while the average weight of the American adult male being 191 lbs.
Human males (and some females, as was stated earlier in the ERGO blog) and walruses of both genders both share a proclivity toward facial hair, most especially the moustache.
As the walrus and the human have both found equal ground concerning facial hair, this seems like the perfect place to begin with comparison - with growth and development. We will proceed with our comparison in four separate areas: the already-mentioned developmental area as well as biological classification and make-up, social habits and psychological tendencies. These four areas (biological, developmental, sociological and psychological) are necessary to determine the definition of any species and will determine how close (if at all) the walrus and the human are related.

Developmental
In comparison to walruses, humans are pretty late bloomers. Female walruses reach sexual maturity at around 4-5 years while female humans (on the average) reach sexual maturity between 10-15 years. Yet, many walruses do not reach full reproductive potential until 9-10 years. Male walruses become fertile between 5-7 years, while male humans are much slower reaching sexual maturity usually between 12-15 years.


At birth, walrus calves (regardless of gender) are between 100-150 lbs. and usually 4.5 feet in length. This is much more than the average human baby with an average weight of 7 lbs and not much more than a foot or less in length.
Most calves are usually weaned by age 2 (or a little more), which allows them to leave fully-equipped to face the world independently. Most human beings are fully weaned by 18-23 years, although there is a growing trend toward human beings who are yet to be fully weaned by age 30 or even 40.

The average lifespan of a walrus (regardless of gender) is approximately 50 years. The average life span for a human is 65 to 75 years.

Developmentally the human and the walrus meet at opposite ends. While the walrus approaches adulthood rather quickly, the human being takes much longer. Yet, the human being lives 15 years longer than the walrus.

Although they come close in some aspects, the human and the walrus are not similar developmentally.

The walrus lives around 50 years. The males reach sexual maturity as early as 7 years, but do not typically mate until fully developed around 15 years of age. They go into a rut in January through April, decreasing their food intake dramatically. The females can begin ovulating as soon as 4–6 years old. The females are polyestrous, coming into heat in late summer and also around February, yet the males are only fertile around February; the potential fertility of this second period of estrous is unknown. Breeding occurs from January to March with peak conception in February. Males aggregate in the water around ice-bound groups of estrous females and engage in competitive vocal displays.

Biological
The walrus and the human share one obvious similarity, they are card-carrying members of the class mammalia. They are also both monophyletic, which means they're evolutionary family tree shows no branches.

Both humans and walruses also have teeth, which develop early in life. Walrus teeth are inconsequential, however, with the exemption of two large tusks. Humans, on the other hand, develop a set of twenty teeth in their inchoate phase and later a full-deck 32 chompers. Walrus tusks are made of ivory, while human teeth are made of four different substances: enamel, dentin, dental pulp and cementum.


Both humans and walruses can walk, although in different manners. Humans are bipeds, while walruses are pinnipeds. Humans walk upright with two legs, while walruses walk on all four fins; yet, walruses are the only pinnipeds (others being seals and sea lions) that can walk, other pinnipeds drag the back feet (or fins, as it were) behind them. Walruses can walk and run as fast as a human being.

Walrus has a prominent thick neck and the ability to turn its rear flippers forward and move on all fours; however, its swimming technique is more like that of true seals, relying less on flippers and more on sinuous whole body movement. Humans have many methods of swimming. More experienced human swimmers are able to complete a more sinuous (or serpentine) form of swimming. This requires greater strength and endurance, but can be done.

Although humans and walruses differ on minute details such as teeth quantity and size, their relative accomplishments in relation to other members of their evolutionary family (for example, chimps, which still haven't got the whole opposable thumb thing down in comparison to other pinnipeds who haven't got the whole "walking" thing down) as well as movement both on land and underwater could qualify the two as biological cousins.


Sociological

Walruses and humans are group animals. They travel together and their destinations depend upon the seasons. Walruses congregate in densely-packed groups during the winter months, lounging on the southwestern side of St. Lawrence Island off the coast of Alaska. During the summer months they travel northward toward the coasts, forming smaller clumps. Humans often travel during the winter and summer months (especially in America) as these two times usually mean extended vacations from work and/or school. Humans tend to remain indoors during the winter with friends and/or family. During the summer, many humans find beaches appealing and gather on them in droves.

Males, both walruses and humans, are in a constant state of competition for dominance and females. Male walruses will fight ruthlessly using their tusks to bludgeon or even kill other males. Dominance is often acheived among the male walrus population through the length of the tusk. This is most recognized in male human circles as "penis envy" as men with longer penises are considered to be more masculine. Male humans are also known for their competitive spirit, especially regarding females. Although male humans do not possess large tusks, they may use knives, guns, bats, clubs, tire irons or their own fists to fight for the female they desire.

Mother walruses and humans are both exceedingly protective of their young, especially in the early stages of life. The "motherly instinct" is universal for both as indicated by mothers from both species maintaining a sensitivity to their environment with birth of a new born to ensure protection from predators.

Walruses suffer relatively low rates of naturally mortality from predators such as humans, polar bears, killer whales and other walruses. Walrus-on-walrus deaths are rare and only occur during mating season when competition for females is at its apex. This is in stark contrast to the human world, where it is quite common for one human to kill another human for no reason whatsoever.

Sociologically, humans and walruses both share a desire to be in groups, the competitive nature of men and dominance via "size" and the motherly instinct of protection of the young. The only spot at which they differ is the relative high number of human deaths incurred by members of their own species. Otherwise, humans and walruses are quite similar sociologically.


Pscyhological


There is no school of walrus psychology, yet walrus psychology can be determined from social patterns, behavior and biology to a certain extent. Walruses have a group mentality indicated by their fluid motion during the seasons. Although numbers may fall during the summer months, there are never lone walruses walking the ice packs of the pacific. They are always in groups.



Calves are well-taken care of by mother walruses, indicating that there is a instinctual desire to ensure the continuation of the species. This is further supported by the male desire to reproduce. The competitive nature of males indicates reproduction is of the utmost importance just behind basic survival needs such as food consumption.

Although humans maintain group mentality to a certain extent, this differs from culture to culture. Eastern cultures usually place more attention upon the group, but Western culture focuses more heavily on the individual. As the specific species of walrus used for this comparison has been the Pacific Walrus (found off the coast of Alaska), the Western viewpoint will be given the most weight as it is the closest geographically. In this case, the walrus and the human both desire to be of a group, but the human does not desire to be known as simply part of a group. Whereas the walrus seems to have absolutely no sense of individuality, the human has a strict sense of individuality and self-preservation (even to the point of going against the group, if need be).

In this sense, humans and walruses are quite different psychologically with humans much more independent of the group than walruses could ever be.


Conclusion
Humans and walruses share similar sociological behaviors and biological characteristics; however, they differ wildly developmentally and psychologically. Although they belong to the same biological family of mammals and desire to be in groups of their own species, they differ at the more intricate levels of the psychological and developmental.

To learn more about walruses, check out the links below:
http://library.thinkquest.org/3500/walrus.html

http://alaska.fws.gov/fisheries/mmm/walrus/nhistory.htm

5.24.2009

SOUND WAVES

CHESTER FRENCH
LOVE THE FUTURE


Harvard guys' music
Is unlike any others.
Get this album now.

Key Tracks: C'mon (On My Own), Beneath The Veil, People, Bebe Buell



CONOR OBERST AND THE MYSTIC VALLEY BAND
OUTER SOUTH



Bright Eyes and others.
"Roosevelt Room" is the shit.
Track 4's synth sticks out.

Key Tracks: Roosevelt Room, Slowly (Oh So Slowly), Big Black Nothing, White Shoes



GREEN DAY
21ST CENTURY BREAKDOWN


Album's hype hurt it.
Borrows often; story's weak.
Overall, let-down.

Key Tracks: ¡Viva La Gloria!, 21st Century Breakdown, Know Your Enemy, Christian's Inferno



EMINEM
RELAPSE


An intense listen.
His darkest stuff since Mathers.
Call it a comeback.

Key Tracks: Hello, Underground, Beautiful, Same Song & Dance


5.22.2009

MOUSTACHE SPOTTING

ANDY SAMBERG...IN A MOUSTACHE

5.20.2009

THE LOST PAGES

Each month ERGO consults pages of teachings by modern and ancient philosophers to find the answers to some of pop culture's most puzzling questions. This month...

Why did Alex Trebek shave his moustache?
According to Diogenes the Cynic


When money defecates, it wipes its bottom on the mouth and leaves a skidmark of moustache.
I have been asked why Alex Trebek shaved his moustache and I ask those who ask, "What is a moustache? Why does one need a moustache?"
Many of you were shocked when you saw him without a moustache, but this is precisely what you need to realize: society expected a moustache, a filthy turd of hair above the upper lip. All the implements of civilization are created to cultivate this completely useless accoutrement, this meaningless establishment of class.
Alex Trebek is not a wise man. He is an idiot. The smartest man I know is Diogenes. That's me. But I'm also an idiot. So, Alex Trebek isn't that bad.
I'm sure a lot of people have given him grief for the shaving of his moustache. They don't understand his message.
Hmm... society doesn't understand something. What a revelation.
Not.
That's not a revelation. I was being cynical.
Ridding himself of his moustache was ridding himself of the burden of society's expectations, which are (by the way) utterly moronic. Alex Trebek was a paragon of trivia, which is though that deserves no more than a brief glance during a trip to the bathroom. Life is meant to be revelation, to be a search for truth. Alex Trebek's life was devoted to the spread of bathroom trivia. His life was meaningless, utterly devoid of purpose.

He's not so bad now.

Most of those who asked this question concerning Alex Trebek failed to see that their nation was under attack when Alex Trebek shaved his moustache in late 2001.
The world was enduring a crisis of extensive magnitude and society worried about a moustache.
Even more reason for Alex Trebek to destroy his moustache in a quest for truth. In a time of great struggle, it is harder than ever to find an honest man.
I, for one, don't trust anyone with a well-groomed moustache. They waste their time snipping and cutting. No wonder the world is lost.
Society wants your soul and won't give you anything back.
Shaving the moustache was the first step to freedom for Alex Trebek.
He's very close. Now all he need do is realize his entire career, his entire life is meaningless unless he sheds himself of those filthy designer suits and carriers his lantern alongside me.
He also needs a robe. Or not.
He can go naked for all I care.

And he also needs to stay away from me.

He looks like a prick without his moustache.

5.18.2009

BIT LIT

Bit Lit is a new feature that attempts to approach the world of video games from an analytical standpoint, while still staying true to the current issue's theme.

The Digital Mixer
A Video Game Dating Guide

Picture yourself at a mixer. There are men and women packed into a large room, possibly a high school gymnasium. You are there, a single female (if you're not a female, just roll with it), and you are looking for love. You take a sip of your drink as you begin to walk across the floor, scanning the room. You see people you know (look over there, Pac-Man's still being chased by those ghosts...they're crazy about him), and some you don't (must be here on an overseas release). However, you look to a corner, and you see a group of guys that all have one thing in common: Moustaches. This group of manly men are proud to wear the hair above their mouths, and you're intrigued. Just what makes these guys tick? Before you dive into the shallow water of digital love, there are some things about these guys that you should know...

MARIO
(Over 200 games with millions of Goomba lives lost)
First you see Mario. You know Mario. He's an old friend. Mario's steadfast in his loyalty. Ask him to do something, and he stays true to the end. He'll stomp anything that gets in his way and makes no qualms about dressing up in silly outfits just to get the job done. Seems like he'd be the perfect candidate for a serious relationship. Turns out he does. He's in a steady relationship with Princess Peach, leader of the Mushroom Kingdom, so no dice there. Who knows, you may have a chance if you can prove to him you wouldn't get snatched up by a big lizard every few years.



Mario

Status: Taken
"One day I'll get repaid for saving her ass so much!"





But if he's taken, why is he at a singles mixer?

LUIGI
(aka Player Two...playa too?)
That explains why Mario's here. He's here to support his brother, Luigi. Luigi's never been the type to take charge. Even in games where he was the main character, he was looking for Mario. Luigi's got a kind streak in him, though, one that's meek and willing to help no matter what. His lanky characteristics may even seem a little more enticing than his brother's short stature, so he's definitely worth a shot. That is, if his on-again, off-again romance with Princess Daisy is in fact turned to "Off." Better test the waters first.



Luigi

Status: Possibly Taken
"Just wait until I jump."




Besides, they've both got those huge pornstar moustaches.
Guess it does take confidence though.
Wait, who's that lurking behind them?

WARIO
(Bizzario?)
Mario's inverse, Wario appeared as the antithesis of Mario. He's lately become sort of a sideplayer in the Nintendo universe, as his recent game appearances have been of an innocuous nature, rather than an enemy. However, don't let this movement to the front fool you: he's still the same bad guy. Stealing coins, pulling pranks, making grown men and women act like fools in their living rooms, he does it all. Suggestion: Stay away, or you'll end up broke and your arms will be sore.



Wario

Status: Single, and Understandably So
"I just might steal your heart! But certainly your stuff."



And who's - is that - ?

WALUIGI
(Ugh, seriously?)
Waluigi, the inverse of Luigi (natch), is there also. Complaining. He hasn't even been seen fit to get his own game. He plays tennis and baseball. That's pretty much it. He's...useless?



Waluigi
Status: Yeah, Useless is the word.
"My pants are way too tight."







You decide the Nintendo section isn't really for you, so you keep looking. And you spy a tall, dark, handsome man who looks experienced...

SOLID SNAKE
(He knows his way around a...box. Ba-Zing!)
Solid Snake is the lead in the Metal Gear Solid games, and he's primarily trained in combat and espionage. He's been at things for years, so he's a little tough to get to, but with the right approach, his barrier could be broken (d'ya like what I did there?). One catch - his age has started to show, and he's hardened from the years. Good luck. (Hey, see if you can get him to turn his radio off...then you'll really know if he's interested.)




Solid Snake
Status: Available
"Solid as a rock...yeah, that's right baby."








Looking for more of a fighter? There are a couple guys over there that might interest you.

ZANGIEF
(A FIGHTER from the STREETs...of Russia.)
Check out that big beffy hunk of man, there, huh? Strong, powerful, brash - an absolute bad boy. Sort of intriguing, right? So many girls today want the rebel type, and there he is, in his tiny, tiny shorts. Potential hangup: Doesn't speak English, and he's sort of a meathead, so don't hold out for sweet nothings whispered in your ear. It's liable to sound more like a jumbled mess of syllables and grunts.


Zangief
Status: Available
"Grgh, blurh muh nurh guh!"




SHANG TSUNG
(You never know what you'll get.)
Standing with Zangief (possibly talking about preferred dismemberment methods) is Shang Tsung from the Mortal Kombat series. A sorcerer in his world, Shang has the power to shapeshift into other people, adopting their traits and abilities. This will pose a problem in a relationship. Mr. Tsung can and will shift his appearance at will, so it's uncertain as to who you'll encounter while with him; he even likes to dress in women's clothing and act as one. This level of unpredicatability and dishonesty is not conducive to a healthly connection. Plus he'll probably rip your spine out. Just saying.




Shang Tsung
Status: Unavailable (Finding true self)
"Isn't this pose...faaaaabulousssss?!"




Too rough for your tastes? There are still a couple bad guys over there -

DR. ROBOTNIK / EGGMAN
(When the fuck did he change his name?)
Sonic's archnemisis Dr. Robotnik is watching you. He's kind of creepy. He's not that bright, either, as his genius plans are always ruined by a hedgehog. And at some point, he decided a name change was in order, opting to go with Eggman. Now, Dr. Robotnik isn't that great of a name, but there must be some sort of underlying self-esteem issue if you're gonna start going by Eggman.




Dr. Robotnik / Eggman
Status: In Therapy
"I don't know who I am anymore!"






DR. WILY
(Screwin' up since the NES.)
Give it to Dr. Wily: He's tenacious, and he never gives up. Every single Mega Man game, he's up to some scheme with over a half-dozen new robots, each one designed with an area to try and take Mega Man down for good. And does it ever work? No. Don't talk to him about it, because - oh, great, he heard us. Now he's crying. Oh come on, get it together, dude.



Dr. Wily
Status: Running Out Of The Room
"Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"




Phew, that was a mess. But, hey, look, that dude's huge. How'd he get into the room?

THE KING OF ALL COSMOS
(Someone has some Daddy issues.)
He's bigger than the room! How did he get in here?! He's - The King Of All Cosmos. In short, he runs this bitch. His sole purpose in life is to ruin the universe, then have his son rebuild it in Katamari Damacy. He's a bit bossy, but he has a great sense of humor. However, he can be very self-absorbed, and refers to himself in the royal "We" manner. Plus he's frequently flashing back to childhood pains, and he's married, but she's never home it seems (we suspect affairs galore!), so it doesn't seem to matter. But, he does have a few outstanding qualities. Just go talk to him and you'll see.




The King Of All Cosmos
Status: Married, and Looking
"Wanna know my secret? Stay tuned..."












5.12.2009

RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB

Welcome again to the ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club where we invite a very special guest to come share one of their favorite dishes. This month: Adult Film legend, Ron Jeremy will teach us how to make Egg Tarts.

…YUMMY…

“I’ve acted in more than 2000 films. I’m the hardest working man in showbiz. What you may not know about me is that these hands o’ mine not only give the best sensual massage this side of Salzburg they can also play Chopin’s Nocturne #20 in C sharp, without the use of my ring fingers. Now isn’t that a SHOCKER? Ha, get it? I can also whip up a mean egg tart. That’s what I’m going to show you today. I’m Ron Jeremy and here’s what you’ll need.”

INGREDIENTS

1 cup confectioners' sugar (powdered sugar)

3 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup butter

1 egg, beaten

1 dash vanilla extract

___________________

2/3 cup white sugar

1 1/2 cups water

9 eggs, beaten

1 dash vanilla extract

1 cup evaporated milk


DIRECTIONS

In a medium bowl, mix together the confectioners' sugar and flour. Mix in butter with a fork until it is in small crumbs. Stir in the egg and vanilla until the mixture forms a dough.

“Now, the key to making the egg tart shell is keeping the texture slightly moist, and I’m an expert at that. Feel free to add more butter if it is too dry, I always do.”

Shape dough into 1 1/2 inch balls (Ron: The ladies love It) and press the balls into tart molds so that it covers the bottom, and goes up higher than the sides.

“You are also welcome to use my patented “2 finger Technique” to shape the edge into an “A” shape. This works a whole lot better when you do it on with to with in with a chick… Boobs.”

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F (Ron: 230 degrees C). Combine the white sugar and water in a medium saucepan, and bring to a boil. Cook until the sugar is dissolved, remove from heat and cool to room temperature. Strain the eggs through a sieve, and whisk into the sugar mixture. Stir in the evaporated milk and vanilla. Strain the filling through a sieve, and fill the tart shells.

“Pour your mixture onto the woman, or the egg tart shell, whatever – it’s your party.”

Bake for 15 to 20 minutes in the preheated oven, until golden brown, and the filling is puffed up a little bit.

“What the hell is that in the oven! Wait, where am I? Oh, now I remember. Did I ever tell you about the time me and Sam Kinison partied with Richie Sambora? They used to call me the Italian Stallion…”

Pull fully formed egg tart out the oven, let cool and serve.

“…God, he told me there just weren’t enough napkins to clean it up. That’s me; I’m the type of guy to leave you in a strange place… I’m a terrible guy…”

Thanks for sharing Ron! Come see us next month for another delicious dish from another celebrity guest star, only at ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club.

5.11.2009

THE INFORMED OBSERVER

The world is full of liars, cheats and power-hungry shmucks. We, at ERGO, believe the only way to make our world a more peaceful one is to make it more transparent, to expose those who would try to maliciously control human affairs. Each month we expose a different facet of the devious, clandestine plans of the NEW WORLD ORDER. With the help of ERGO crack sleuth The Informed Observer, these scumbags won't have a rock to hide under. This month...

Exposing the lies and corruption behind milk moustaches.

Reader, the milk industry is a huge multi-multi-multi-million dollar industry. It is subsidized by the GOVERNMENT. Dairy farmers have got Capitol Hill in their back pockets and anyone who doesn't want to acknowledge this is smoking on the reefer! Those milk muckers sit it up in their calcium towers and hide behind their overalls and midwestern accents, trying to play the fool.

But I'm no fool and neither are you.

Here are THE FACTS:
  • The human stomach does not possess the natural enzymes to process lactose, a sugar present in milk.
  • A majority of milk is pasteurized, a process that heats milk up to destroy bacteria within it; yet, this bacteria is needed in order to easily digest milk.
  • The GOVERNMENT tells you milk has calcium necessary to a healthy lifestyle, but the TRUTH is calcium present in plants is absorbed much more than the filthy calcium found in milk.
  • Studies have shown that women who drink milk are much MORE vulnerable to developing osteoporosis than women who don't.

Those are the FACTS and the GOVERNMENT has known about them since the beginning of time. In fact, they're very important facts. After all, last time I checked nobody was listing "Give Grandma Cranky Bones" on their Top 5.

So, have we had any campaign to warn us about milk's dreadful side effects?

No. Instead, we get a program designed to enthrall us into the deceptive cloud of the mindless consumption of bovine milk by way of the milk moustache. These folks want us down on our crumbling patellas and they'll stop at nothing to get us there.

You're a smart person, though. You're not going to fall for that bull. You're intelligent, you're analytical. Reader, you're no ordinary Joe Smuggly driving his Smug Mobile down Douchebag Avenue. You're an informed human being.

Well, take a look at this load of propagandic smut:

This is dirty. Heidi Klum is obviously very attractive. Sexy. Beautiful. God, she's wearing a milk maid's outfit next to a cow.

How am I SUPPOSED to react to this? Taylor Swift is holding two of the sexiest things in the world: an acoustic guitar and a wig of curly hair (she's bald, don't believe the CMA misinformation campaign).

Look at them together. They're very hot and...God, I hate the GOVERNMENT so much.

But what are they wearing in both of those filthy, disgusting, ridiculous, amazing photographs? Milk moustaches. Their massive proliferation in poster and television advertisements is the product of an ad campaign by the California Milk Processor Board to encourage people to kill themselves (basically) with this white poison. (Interestingly, California Milk Processor Board is based in Berkeley - LOOK IT UP - which was the epicenter of the Hippie movement in the 1960s, which bred a whole generation of BIG GOVERNMENT, BIG SPENDING lunatic leaders who are slowly gaining control of everything.)

The "got milk?" propaganda uses celebrities with healthy-looking physiques to push the image that milk is digestible, harmless and healthy. Zach Braff, Christian Bale and even the Olsen Twins have contributed to this underhanded nut check by the Federal GOVERNMENT.

Just between you and me, word is The Olsen Twins vomited shortly after touching the glass of milk to their lips.

And Christian Bale goes into violent rages whenever he smells milk in the room (Anyone check the site of his infamous movie set blow-up for a little "white gold"?)

The mainstream says he's on steroids. (Wouldn't surprise me if the whole "steroid explanation" was just another manuever by the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT to cornhole steroid producers for royally screwing up major league baseball). But do the posters say anything about that?

You bet your ass they don't.

Reader, milk moustaches are another tactic by the government to push a plan to make us subservient to its EVIL SLIMY LEFT HAND. Milk IS the New World Order. It is the early stage of an elaborate wedgie being performed by none other than (three guesses?) the GOVERNMENT and they're counting on you to bend over and offer your elastic waistbands without complaint.

Don't give in, reader. Fight the power, educate yourself, know the truth.

This is The Informed Observer signing out.

5.05.2009

POP CULTURE FACEOFF

Formerly "TV Faceoff," POP CULTURE FACEOFF pits two competitors from the pop culture world against each other in a five- or seven-round battle. It usually has nothing to do with the Ergo's current issue theme. Who will be the victor?

MAY 2009:
Hannah Montana vs. Miley CyrusOne is a teeny-bopper music star, and the other is...a...teeny-bopper music star...who's the same person.
With the recent release and success of The Hannah Montana Movie, we need to decide...
WHICH ALTERED EGO IS BETTER?


MUSIC
Hannah
Bouncy "yeah-yeah" pop that was created to coincide with the sho
w Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel. Created to aim to the target viewing audience: Preteens to toddlers.

Miley
More "mature" (for lack of a better word), Miley's music is aimed at a slightly older, yet more specific audience: teenage girls. More guitars and different themes, but remnants of her show days still keep.

WINNER: Hannah.
Miley's sound is still in the awkward phase not knowing what it's supposed to be, while Hannah's is fully realized (probably due to the fact that it's all scripted.)


IMAGE
Hannah
Essentially, she's a squeaky-clean country girl stuck in the celebrity world. She seems frustrated with the limelight.

Miley
Brunette to her blonde counterpart, Miley tarnished her image last year when personal scandalous pictures hit the internet. She loves the limelight.

WINNER: Hannah.
She's more likable when it doesn't seem like she's trying to keep up with the other Disney slut. (RE: Vanessa Hudgens.)


STYLE
Hannah
Lots of flashy outfits and sequins.
Terrible blond wig.

Miley
Convenient things, these stylists are.
Watch an awards show, and they keep her in top designer wear.

WINNER: Miley.
That wig is fucking terrible.


FAMILY
Hannah
A seemingly clueless dad named Robbie Ray (played by her real Dad, Billy Ray Cyrus).
A hilarious brother named Jackson.
Plus Carol Burnett is her aunt, and Dolly Parton's her godmother.

Miley
A dad who still makes terrible music (see above)
A brother (lead singer of emo-pop group Metro Station...yeah.)
Plus two more sisters and two more brothers.

WINNER: Hannah.
Sorry, Jackson's hilarious. And did Metro Station have a 2nd single? No? Thought so.


SALES
Hannah
...

Miley
...

WINNER: ...they're the same person!
Draw.


NAME
Hannah
A rhyming music name isn't so ridiculous on TV. But in the real world?
...Duran Duran, Milli Vanilli, Lynryd Skynyrd...
Yeah, still ridiculous.

Miley
Her real name is Destiny Hope Cyrus. She had it changed to Miley Ray Cyrus (a combination of a nickname from childhood (Smiley...to Miley), and her dad's middle name).
Ugh.

WINNER: Draw.
A stupid name is a stupid name. Neither one is real, so neither one wins the point.
Here, you can have it.


SIDEKICK
Hannah
The hilarious and well-acted Lily, played by Emily Osment (the sibling that doesn't see dead people).

Miley
Some girl named Mandy.

WINNER: Hannah.
But Hannah, you have to share that point with Lily.



RESULTS
A resounding success for Hannah Montana!
The character defeats the actor by a huge deficit of 4-1.
Looks like it's better to be a forced persona on TV than in real life.

5.03.2009

POP ROOTS

Pop Roots is a new addition to Ergo Magazine, utilizing the current theme to explore deeper trends in popular culture. This month...

The American Moustache
Facial Hair, Masculinity and the Strength of a Nation

Masculinity has as many facets, as many forms of expression as Michael Jackson has noses. In hunter-gatherer societies, the super male was the superb hunter and for agrarian societies it was the expert grower. Those who had the strength to provide for themselves and their families and were honored appropriately as "real" men.

Then came technology with a progress-sized kick in the jeans.

It brought the industrial revolution on its coattails which brought machines to do work that once took legions of humans to complete. Although men still had the chance to demonstrate masculine prowess in war and defend country and family through fighting, most still returned home to marry and form families where they were the primary bread-winners. In a society so heavily grounded in industrial technology, this meant masculinity could no longer be defined as the hunter or the grower, but as the wage-earner. Men needed to earn money to be considered men, to provide for their family.


A short geographic history of the fur worm

Physically, masculinity has had many ways to present itself, facial hair being one of the strongest attributes to demonstrate strength and virility. The moustache was an important species of facial hair as it was the first to show itself during puberty, the first attribute indicating a boy was becoming a man. Beards became important as boys progressed fully into men by ancient Greeks, who considered an individual without a beard to be effeminate; and in Muslim countries, where beards are considered part of man’s religious responsibility. In America, neither has been the case, but, like its geographic cousins in Europe, facial hair has been much more about presentation than symbolization. In this sense, the moustache was a rare breed. Its style could indicate, specifically, the economic condition of an individual. A fur worm under the nostril could indicate that there were funds necessary to maintain its basic shape; unlike a beard, which can be created through carelessness or homelessness just as much as through intentionality. A moustache indicated that the man still cared enough for his appearance as to take time to stylize his facial hair and had the monetary power necessary to do so.


The dark night of the 'stache

Historically, the American moustache has seen its share of idols of masculinity: cowboys of the early West such as Wyatt Earp, vivacious outdoorsmen such as president Theodore Roosevelt and pioneer and southern writer Mark Twain. The moustache gained a reputation for being the possession of men of vigor, intelligence and bravery. As the United States emerged from the Great Depression and into World War II-era production frenzy, the moustache sublimated to the clean-shaven man. He was the pinnacle of perfection: the great American soldier with a sparkling clean chin and upper lip as well as crisp military uniform and personality. Interestingly, the moustache as well as beards became something of a counterculture phenomenon as Beat poets such as Allen Ginsberg developed facial hair that soon began to be identified with decadence and Bohemia. The moustache had taken a backseat in the 1940s. Its last major hoorah seemed to be Clark Gable’s aristocratic, pencil-thinner in Gone With The Wind. It resurged with a few World War II commanders, but overall its presence had been resigned to the backburner of American culture. In the 1960s, the trend in facial hair was at the point of absurdity. The era saw the rise of long-haired, free-loving, barrier breaking individuals such as Bob Dylan and Muhammad Ali. Yes, there were drugs and rock n’roll, but society was mostly devoid of cookie dusters, flavor savers, mouth brows. Icons that rebelled against the man were babyfaces. It seemed iconoclastic to previous symbols of American rebelliousness.


Stagflation, religious awakenings and exploitation

The 1960s society of massive change, flippant government spending and countless unsuccessful social programs eventually had to be answered in the form of the 1970s. While the 60s was the era of change, the 70s was the era of same. Actually, a better term might be stagnation, mostly in the economic sense. Yet, the 70s was also a reflection time. A lot of stuff came to the forefront in the 60s (women’s rights, minority rights, open drug use) that needed to be addressed, reflected on. The 70s bore the brunt of this exploration. While the 1980s was the exploitation of it, the 70s was the key decade when all of the “suggestions” made by marginal groups and ideas in the previous decade were finally put to the test. A new direction for American society was formed in the 60s. Musically, culturally, intellectually – the United States was, so to speak, born again in the 60s. The 70s were the maturity of a newly infantized country. Much like boys demonstrated their manhood by the first hint of hair above their upper lips, the reemergence of the moustache in the 70s was the re-maturity of a nation, one coming into different understanding of what freedom and equality actually meant in a heterogeneous society. Of course, if the moustache was just symbolic of a new nation, then we would expect it during every cultural shift. Every religious awakening within America would have brought about a plethora of moustached dudes. The embrace of the moustache in the 70s was much more than a symbol of a new America emerging from the fires of the 60s. It was a necessary accoutrement for men longing to establish themselves in an economic situation that seemed perilous. Let it not be forgot that the 1970s was also the era when “stagflation” came into the public lexicon, a time when unemployment surpassed 6% and prices still rose. Breadwinning men across the nation were trudging home to reveal that they were so no more. It was an emasculating affair and it’s at a time like this that encouragement is needed by both men and women.


Big eyes, hairy faces

Social researcher Dr. Terry Pettijohn conducted a study in the early 2000s which examined the facial features of popular actresses and Playboy centerfolds during good and bad economic times. They found women with bigger eyes and younger features were popular during good economic times and women with smaller eyes and mature features were popular during bad economic times. More mature women provide a greater sense of strength, of security during rough times.It’s not such a stretch to look at 70s icons (many of whom grew moustaches during the decade) such as Frank Zappa, The Beatles, Richard Pryor and George Carlin and imagine an America looking forward, hoping for a maturity of America. Although Zappa was irreverent and absurd, The Beatles experimented with psychedelic drugs and Pryor and Carlin bordered on obscenity, they were indications of a society creatively reflecting on an era that seemed to have crammed two decades into one. They showed signs of maturity and it gave hope that if popular culture was maturing, then perhaps the economy wasn’t too far behind.


The indomitable American moustache

The efflorescence of the moustache cannot be underestimated. As the stagnated 70s carried into the self-conscious, materialistic 1980s, the moustache reigned supreme with rapidly rising stars such as Eddie Murphy and Tom Selleck sporting it. The facial accoutrement also became common fare for men wearing absurdly large eyeglasses (at least by modern standards) and pastel dress clothes. The 'stache’s power faded as the 1990s reacted to the 1980s by crouching into a fetal position and playing ultra-sunny folk music or blaring electronic guitar over sometimes incoherent, always angry lyrics. Yet, as the 2000s are winding to a close and yet another economic downturn has occurred, the moustache has been making a subtle reappearance. Flabby slapstick musician/actor Jack Black has sported one as well as iconic hunk Brad Pitt. Moustached comedian/actor Eddie Murphy, after walking a long trail of cinematic sorrow, is receiving positive buzz about his next movie. Economic blogs are drawing comparisons between the current recession and unemployment with that of the 1970s. Subtle cultural hints are appearing everywhere to insist the moustache's countless reappearance is not a cultural non sequitur but the sign of an undulating Hegelian cultural pattern. True, the 1990s didn’t have the cultural shifts that the 1960s encompassed (unless, you know, you count the blowjob the president got), but the hope present within the rising trend of mouth brows is an indication that the nation, then as now, is still looking for a brighter day. And you know what happens when that occurs, right? Exactly what Robert Zemeckis predicted: flying cars, the return of the DeLorean, and the Cubs win the World Series.

5.01.2009

SURVIVAL TIPS

ERGO is aware how influential celebrities are. For that reason, we feature a different celebrity blogger each month providing important safety tips on any number of topics. This month...


Shaving safety with Salvador Dali

Do not be frightened.
Shaving is not scary.
Dali is not frightened of shaving.
Dali is shaving.

To survive, do not die. Dali is immortal. Take him to the shower. Cleanse him with oils and wax. Your skin will be soft and plump. Do not be frightened of him. He is not the elephant.

Nonetheless, use the rhinoceros horn. It contains the spirals of eternity and the rims of penises.

A gentle scrubbing lotion will open pores and release the demons of hell.
Contain them within the rhinoceros horn and there will be no Tuesday, which is not time. Absurd.

Use sharp blades to open the skin and unclothe. Warm, eh? Careful. If there is an accident, use the lobster to call the telephone. Tell them you are dying of joy. Rub Dali on your face, but not too fast. Give him time to masturbate before lunch. He is eating a mouth.

Avoid irritants. Are they stealing things? No good. You must find the cats. Are they floating? (Good. I also think they are, but I don’t believe it.)

Use aftershave on the wingless bird, but do not tell anyone.

Tell the ugliness to escape to a different room and use your face to eat the mirror.
I enjoy shaving.

FOURTHOUGHT

4 Most Regrettable Movie Moustaches

We at ERGO know that there is nothing more fulfilling than watching a well groomed mustache parade around the big screen, except for of course a rugged ginger-beard, i.e., Chuck Norris. However, some in the film industry have tarnished the sanctity of the stache. Here are four of films worst offenders…

  1. Hitler – True, he may not be an actor but the mini mustache of this Jew-hating momma’s boy has been featured in enough WWII propaganda films to spawn nearly a century of caricatures. At least Charlie Chaplin had sense enough to know the toothbrush mustache was only good for comedic effect. However, we are looking forward to seeing Hitler's ugly lady tickler in Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds. Here'sthe trailer:



  2. John Waters – Nothing better conveys the pretentiousness of art-house cinema like Waters’ silly, pencil thin, mustache. This dainty, pseudo-European mustachio screams, “I’m a snob,” and only serves in confirming suspicions that nobody in Baltimore, Maryland, has style. Check out this clip (he's on the left):



  3. Johnny Depp – Set to hit theaters (7/1), the real star revealed in the trailer for Michael Mann’s Public Enemies is Depp’s mustache. Though intended to make him a wringer for prohibition era bad-boy, John Dillinger, Depp’s lip hair only succeeds in making his face look like a clock – hands at 8 and 4. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before. This guy has a predilection for ugly mustaches (please refer to the greasy caterpillar slapped on his face in POTC 1 thru 3) but he’s just so freaking gorgeous we forgive him. See what we mean here:



  4. Marisa Tomei – She may or may not have deserved a best supporting actress Oscar for My Cousin Vinny, but she sure is cute. Mousy, but cute. The only thing more regrettable than watching her overact alongside your favorite leading male is lusting after her only to discover she is 1/3rd werewolf. Tomei depends on a dedicated lighting crew, a team of make-up artists and old fashioned Hollywood movie magic to keep her raging crumb catcher off the silver screen. See?