REJECTED IDEAS

THE LIST
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Cause then we wouldn't get skool off!

Abraham Lincoln
Six foot zombie. Just sayin'.


SURVIVAL TIPS
Eating Lead with Kurt Cobain

SOUND WAVES
Your mom.

ZOMBIE SPOTTING
Over there...and there...and right behind you.

HUMAN VS.
Dead Human

OUTSIDE INFORMATION
Trees: WTF?

POP ROOTS

An UN-Living History:
A Brief Overview of the Zombie Evolution

The first recorded appearance of the word ZOMBIE came one year after Mary Shelley published Frankenstein: or the Modern Prometheus anonymously - History of Brazil, Vol. III (1819). The author, Romantic English poet, Robert Southey, wrote of a Brazilian chieftain called Zombi. Zombi’s name was a result of colonization, a derivative of NZambi, a snake-deity to Congolese slaves brought to South America to plant and harvest sugarcane. NZambi had the power to bring the dead back to life, and this reference was proof of assimilation between imported Africans and Brazil’s indigenous people. NZambi, Zombi, and the voodoo culture of the Congo spread northward through the Caribbean like a contagion, transferring through oral histories.

Zombi became metaphorical. Haitians, Jamaicans and other Caribbean island slaves began referring to one another as the undead. Surviving the Middle Passage, substandard living conditions and forced labor, what could they be besides something that couldn’t die? Zombi had evolved from a name to an exclamation to a noun.

The culture turned to folklore. By the 1900’s an “E” was tacked on to Zombi and ZOMBIE became commonly known throughout the English speaking world as a walking dead guy too fat to be a ghost and too ugly to be a vampire. NZambi possessing the deceased became a myth and, eventually, an afterthought. Though a small minority in the southern states of America still lived by the laws of voodoo and believed that with a little hair, and a little love, one could enchant the dead to do their bidding, reanimation still remained a foreign concept in the New World - ironically enough, a landscape largely inhabited by people that worship a Jewish-Zombie.

In 1932, director Victor Halperin with United Artists released “White Zombie,” the first film to feature a zombie. A young couple is persuaded to come to Haiti, unaware a forlorn plantation owner has lured them there with a sinister plot to pull the couple apart, realizing his unrequited love. With hopes of persuading the object of his affection to become his wife instead, the plantation owner enlists the help of a local witch doctor to turn the woman he loves into a zombie... (old time movies, no one said it had to make sense.) Four years later we were given a glimpse at the origins of the modern zombie with "Things to Come," a British sci-fi movie based on a novel by H.G. Wells. The film depicts what we would later identify as a zombie horde: "The Wandering Sickness," a large mass of infected slow moving people wandering around unresponsively.

In 1943 Zombie became military slang, a code name for the Canadian Government when referring to its 'Home Guard' army.

In 1968, on a shoe-string budget, filmmaker George A. Romero wrote and directed "Night of the Living Dead." The movie would go on to be hailed as a cult classic and a defining moment in modern horror cinema. It was the first of a quartet of zombie films that would help elevate the undead to the stratosphere of pop-culture and spawn the guide to which all zombie themed story-lines would be judged.

Unfortunately, the films of Sam Raimi ("The Evil Dead," "Army of Darkness"), the music of the Cranberries, Michael Jackson’s Thriller and the countless zombie first person shooter video games that populated the later-half of the 20th century (Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead, House of the Dead, Dead Rising, etc.) only served in hindering the zombie’s potential for allegory. Zombie inspired works became less about exploring humanity and more about creative decapitations. Somehow the terror of never finding rest in the afterlife and being a slave to an insatiable hunger that makes you less than man wasn't scary enough. Zombies started straying away from the horde appearing in the subsequent sequels to slasher films like "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th." (NOTE: these movies led to the bastardization of the slasher film. Somehow, a 7 foot sociopath with a sharp knife and/or machete wasn't scary enough; we had to make him a zombie too.)

Zombies began showing up in literature. The first mainstream Z-Lit book was the publication of Book of the Dead in 1990. 13 years later zombie literature hit its stride. Former SNL writer Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide, a well researched, if not overly thorough, game-plan for navigating a zombie apocalypse, became a bestseller. Less than a year after zombie armies made their first appearance in the Harry Potter universe ("Half-Blood Prince"), Brooks followed up with World War Z in 2006. Along with Stephen King's Cell, and Marvel Zombies, 2006 was a crucial year for zombies bound in hardback. The momentum continued, inevitably leading to the grossly popular Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith in 2009. Coupling Jane Austen with modern zombie fiction, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies went on to be on dozens of recommended reading lists while proposing the zombie as a literary character every bit as worthy of being celebrated as Fitzwilliam Darcy: The boorish but well-intentioned romantic hero.

This explosion in Z-Lit can be correlated to a specific year in film. Zombies were brought to the forefront of everyone's mind when they received an overhaul in 2002. 2 films, "Resident Evil" and "28 Days Later," explored the limits of the zombie film. One of the world's most deadly and beloved film icons was made faster. Creative minds continued in this vein and by the time Zack Snyder released his 2004 remake of George A. Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" zombies were as fast as Usain Bolt. Zombies continued getting faster until "Shaun of the Dead" slowed them back down again in 2004 for comedic effect.

A year later in 2005, George A. Romero returned to the zombie realm with "Land of the Dead." The movie depicted zombies evolving mentally, working together under the leadership of Big Daddy to conquer what could be the last remaining metropolitan area left standing in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

In 2007, the evolution of zombies would be encapsulated in a film that claimed to have absolutely nothing to do with zombies. Will Smith stared in "I Am Legend," a movie that featured zombies with both incredible athleticism and problem solving skills. These "zombies" fulfilled the destiny of a zombie evolution which novelist Richard Matheson unknowingly predicted in the book I Am Legend (1954). Like Brazilians and the Congolese, like European culture fused with that of South America, zombification and vampirism commingled and what was born was a zombie horde with a chief strategist that can only strike at night. Zombies finally had an ALPHA MALE, a Dracula. Just by the timing of its release, the film "I Am Legend" accomplished more than the two film versions that preceded it. It is a severely underappreciated piece to the cinematic tradition of sci-fi/horror and a crucial entry in the evolution of zombie superstition entering the unassailable fortress of forever. There is no telling what will be the next step in zombie evolution but if the work of Matheson, Wells or Southey is any example we will see it first in print.

THE LIST

ERGO understands Americans' fascination with lists. In order to accommodate this obsession...er...affinity, we proudly introduce our newest feature to further assist with your process of ordering your existence into simple pockets of reality. This issue...

FIVE PEOPLE YOU THINK YOU'D WANT TO BRING BACK FROM THE DEAD...BUT NOT REALLY

1. William Shakespeare

English professors and book nerds across the world dream of the masterpieces that Shakespeare could complete in our own time, how he would critique our own age. Truly, they say, the best work is yet to come. Actually, the best work is probably the work we have now. Genius is capricious and doesn't last forever. Plus, there'd be bills to pay and when Romeo & Juliet 2 flopped at the theaters, Will would be doing what any other desperate writer does for dough: write for a sitcom.


2. Andy Kaufman

He's posthumously lauded as a comic genius, who made the world safe for comedians who didn't feel like being funny...except to themselves. Those who ponder what crazy exploits Kaufman would have cooked up next, though would be sorely disappointed. Just as controversial comedians such as Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin settled into the inertia of the Hollywood machine, so Kaufman would have as well. Yes, he may have done a few shocking reality shows, "Punk'D" a few people, but in the end we would have found him on The Surreal Life wrestling women and having arguments with Gary Busey.


3. Michael Jackson

Thriller is one of the top music videos of all time and the Moonwalk is the greatest choreographic invention in the past 50 years, but who can deny the sight of Michael Jackson in the years leading to his death ruined the kick-ass legacy he built up in the 70s, 80s and early 90s? In its place were plastic facial features, erratic behavior and a questionable relationship with young children. If the King of Pop returned for one more go-around, it would just be more of the same.

4. Elvis Presley

Actually, most people don't need to know what would happen if Elvis were brought back from the dead because everyone already knows. The last years of Elvis' life were everything resembling a reanimated corpse with his lethargic stage performance, gross obesity and incoherence. Were Elvis to be reanimated there would be no swiveling hips or slick black hair, but rather jiggly butt-fat and fried peanut butter maple syrup drenched ham, sausage, cheese, Twinkies and eggs topped with a bucket of chicken and ice cream sandwiches.

5. John Lennon

Beatles fans dream of a reunion, another round of experimental/mind-expanding albums surpassing Rubber Soul and The Magic Mystery Tour. The truth is John was done with The Beatles as were the other three members. If Lennon were revived, he would only continue (alongside Yoko Ono) to promote peace using photo-op protests and enigmatic experiential art exhibits which only he and Ono understand. There's nothing worse than the evolution from pop star to politician and Lennon would certainly take the dive. If you think you'd be up for it, think about this: Sean Penn.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MY DAD

WHY YOU SHOULD

WHY YOU SHOULD
LEAVE MYSPACE BEHIND.

MySpace is an undead being, wandering around the Social Network World, searching for brains to feast on, as it's become a mindless barrage of ads and events, many of which you are nowhere near. The continuous spread of its disease has seeped into realms once held sacred, including Games, Movies, and even Karaoke. With its increased popularity, MySpace has begun to falter, and change into something we no longer recognized. MySpace turned into a beast unable to be stopped or, even worse, comprehended. It exuded a power all its own, drawing in even the most steadfast and ardent of detractors; all the while getting stronger and stronger as its horde of users grew far beyond the scope of what we thought possible. MySpace turned into a monster and turned innocent humans into monsters. On MySpace, we are turned into creatures we don't recognize, hiding behind pictures of our reflections, alternate display names, and customization that renders any text near illegible. Constantly searching for more brains to feast on, we beg for people to friend us, comment on our pictures, or write on our page. MySpace was once the infected, and has become the infection. Leave MySpace behind or forever be doomed to wander the earth aimlessly, with the fruitless endeavor ahead of you that is anonymous digital friendship.

TED THE ABSURD

THE INFORMED OBSERVER

The Informed Observer does not necessary reflect the beliefs of Ergo Magazine.

Cryonics and the foolhardy scheme for eternal life










They tried to keep me quiet, they tried to put a lid on my diatribe of rebellious no-nonsense straight talk - but the insidious plots of the elite will not hold back what cannot be dammed: the indisputable, unequivocal truth. You're back with the Informed Observer.

In the thicket of summer fun, informed reader, I'd like to discuss something on the creepy side. It's not October 31st, but pseudo-scientific types are trying to make Halloween everyday because there's an underground movement to resurrect the dead.

I'm not talking about the religious has-your-soul-been-saved resurrection. I mean these creepy crawlers are in the process of trying to resurrect a DEAD body. This is scientific, Frankensteinian hogwash to the untrained ear, but the world is full of these anarchists who want nothing but to fill our world with a potential for egalitarian truth into a LAND OF ZOMBIES. I'm talking the walking dead. I can sense you're a bit skeptical, but I ask you to follow me on this roller coaster because I've got a load of good ole fashioned veritas waiting at the end!

Let's start with a little word association. When I say "Alcor", what comes to mind? Environmental-crazie-former-vice president nutso? (Not even CLOSE) How about an organization in operation since the late 1960s in Arizona dedicated to preserving dead bodies in ice - otherwise known as cryogenic preservation - in the hopes of one day resurrecting them? It's true. LOOK IT UP. (http://www.alcor.org) These folks are serious and they've got a horde of loonies with PhD and MD surgically attached to their last name. Dead bodies kept "alive" in blocks of ice is enough to make you shiver, but there's more.

Ever see Vanilla Sky? Remember "Lucid Dream"? It's not gone that far (YET), but these crazies are talking about sticking people in Antarctica to cool for several hundred years or so until they come up with the cure for cancer. And Alcor aren't the only ones in on the game. There's a whole market to become a human ice cream bar. Plus, there's the price: around $150,000-$250,000 for the whole body, around $50,000-$80,000 for just the head. Just the head. What am I? Zordon? (By the way, do you think that's what Zordon was? The future of cryonics, eh?)

Listen, I'd love to live forever as much as the next guy, but read the fine print and use the old head muscle for a while and you'll see what they're talking about isn't immortal life. Well, sort of. You can wake up in the future...if the future feels like waking you up.

I can see some of you out there in spite of my rhetoric still have googly eyes over this whole thing. Well, put the tracks on right there. There's two words I want to throw your way and I expect you to catch them: BRAIN DAMAGE. After all, what's better than waking up from a thousand year sleep than waking up from said sleep with massive brain damage? Quite a blast, eh? Read on.

How do you know that the person thawed will be you? The brain is a sensitive object and any of those little wires called neurons that fray as a result of the freeze could end up losing precious memories, motor functions or vital parts of your personality. You could wake up a monster. Not to mention the possibility that we could freeze a monster; somebody with the personality of Stalin, Hitler or that fart tart Kim Jong Il.

Or, say you get froze and the process goes hay-wire a.k.a. the Chatsworth Disaster, when 24-year-old cryogenically frozen Stephen Mandell was accidentally thawed at a cryonic center in Chatsworth, California in the 1970s. Author and feisty intellectual Michael Shermer points out that even if they thaw you the result would be something like thawing out strawberries frozen for a hundred years: a gooey mess! The scientists don't tell you that. It's because the water within the cells have crystalized and the whole composition of the body has been transformed. The building blocks have been turned into oatmeal is what we're saying here. Of course, none of that info while you're forking over the dough.

Still, people are signing up for this. Folks unhappy with the fate of human beings since the beginning of time are jumping on point this supposedly fast track to the future. Now, I hear you saying to me, "Informed Observer, what the hell's wrong with that? Who doesn't want to live forever?" There's nothing wrong with wanting eternal life. Hell, I'd finally be able to finish a game of Sudoku. But what says the future really wants us? The planet's rapidly filling to capacity with homo sapiens, the fossil fuels are burning down to empty and we want to put folks on ice to add even more trouble to the future? A bunch of zombies wandering the earth just cause they didn't feel like kickin' the bucket like everybody else?

No way, no how. This is a bad idea. It wouldn't surprise me if these wacko Raelins were tag-teaming with the human popsicle people to create a super race. If anything should speak against bringing people back from the dead, it should be the chance that this guy might live forever.

Don't give in, reader. Fight the power, educate yourself, know the truth.

This is The Informed Observer signing out.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

ERGO attempts to provide each viewpoint, each opinion a chance to shine. In Opposites Attract we give two magnanimous minds to express their views regarding the monthly topic. You decide who makes a better case. This month...

Reanimation

Against:
Federico García Lorca
I don't want to hear again
that the dead do not lose their blood,
that the putrid mouth goes on asking for water.
I don't want to learn of the tortures of the grass,
nor of the moon with a serpent's mouth
that labors before dawn.





For:
Pablo Neruda
Let what I am, then, be, in some place
and in every time, an established and assured
and ardent witness, carefully destroying himself
and preserving himself incessantly
clearly insistent upon his original duty.





Federico García Lorca was a Spanish poet, dramatist and political activist.
Pablo Neruda was a Nobel Prize-winning Chilean writer, poet and politician.
Both are dead.

RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB

Welcome again to ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club where we invite a very special guest to come share one of their favorite dishes. This month: Jason Voorhees, zombie mass murderer, will explain to us the intricacies of a Crystal Lake Cabbage Fruit Salad.

Ugh, eeck! Pardon me; I was choking on my own tongue. I sort of do that, it’s sort of become my thing. Mother use to always give me fruit - we were poor and it was about one of the cheapest and easiest things you could get. She didn’t really spend a lot of time at home, so this was something I didn’t have to prepare or anything. When I went off to camp this kid told me fruit was good in salad. I like cabbage so I thought why not. Here’s a little recipe I came up with.

INGREDIENTS: (Serves Eight)

• 1 cabbage
• 2 oranges,
• 2 red apples, CHOPPED!
  
• 1 cup seedless red grape halves
• 1/4 cup currants
• 1/2 cup fat-free mayonnaise
• 1/4 cup skim milk
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1/3 cup chopped pecans, toasted

When I need stuff to make a fruit salad I usually scavenge the forest, rummage through the camp’s canteen or raid the fridge of my next victim. They’re usually too busy doing it to even see me standing there, slurping down a tube of go-gurt. I like to really mix it up with whatever I can find. I sometimes mix fresh and canned fruits which gives the salad lots of extra juice.

• Peel the oranges, and then CHOP ‘EM! Take the cabbage, oranges, apples, grapes and currants, and then CHOP ‘EM! Place the dismembered pieces in a large bowl, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate.

My favorite part is the chopping. There really is no wrong way to do it.

• In a small bowl, combine the mayonnaise, milk, lemon juice and sugar, and then CHOP ‘EM!

You can also stir it, whatever, but don’t be afraid to CHOP!

• Just before serving, pour dressing and pecans into salad.

Make sure the salad has been properly CHOPPED! You wouldn’t want to choke. This recipe makes eight servings. If there’s more than enough, keep the salad in the refrigerator covered with clear plastic wrap. This salad should be eaten within 1 day, some of the ingredients will get mushy and brown over time, like rotting corpses. You can serve this salad as is or dress it with a whipped topping, I’d recommend go-gurt.

Come see us next month for another delicious dish from another celebrity guest star, only at ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club.

ZOMBIE SPOTTING

ThinkGeek's
Dismember-Me-Plush Zombie Doll
http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/ac4a/?cpg=ab

PORT MANTEAU

HUMAN VS

Human vs. Salt


















Salt is one of the most important minerals a human being can ever ingest. Take in too little and your body floods itself, take in too much and you dry up like a starfish on the beach, take a bucket full and spread it about you in a circular fashion and you're safe from hordes of zombies, vampires and slugs. History has seen salt involved with human beings in a variety of ways. Gandhi used salt as another example of civil disobedience against British imperialists and Lot's wife was turned to a pillar of the stuff when she stopped to look at Sodom's destruction.

So, for a substance intimately inundated in human history, how similar are we?

Salt is essential for life on earth. Without it all things, directly or indirectly, would perish. Is the same true for human beings? In comparing salt and us, it's time to look at how essential humans are to the planet earth.

Clouds and Cramps

For us, salt plays a careful balancing act in our body. It stabilizes the electrolytes in our system and the amount of water in our body. Too little or too much and you could experience any number of the following infirmities: muscle cramps, dizziness, severe neurological disorders or even death. So, for humans, it's certainly essential.

But what about the rest of the stuff here? You know, animals, plants, insects and the such?













Without sea salt, cloud formation could not take place (and, consequently, neither could rain). Salt is composed of sodium and chloride ions, which are essential for the survival of all living species. However, salt is highly toxic for most land plants. It can also damage a soil's structure leading to increased erosion and runoff into freshwater lakes and streams, which in turn can lessen biodiversity within a freshwater environment. If salt manages to seep into drinking water, it can cause health problems in humans from excess salt intake such as hypertension.

Salt, like most of us, has its good side, its bad side and appears to follow the old maxim that too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

Of course, how do we stack up to this mineral which is essential for all animal life (including our own), but is poisonous to nearly all land plants, can decrease biodiversity and is detrimental to the ecosystem if introduced into the wrong sort of environment?

It should be noted, naturally, salt doesn't impose itself on the environment in ways which would be harmful to certain aspects of the environment (sort of like our kidneys don't impose on our liver, although if they did it would be total p'ownage). Salt is usually introduced through humans by, for example, using it on icy roads after a heavy snow.

The usual examples of deforestation, oil spills, animal extinctions and the like can be used to present a case that salt and humans are total opposites. Since everyone's quite aware of the harm humans have done to the environment and where they may differ from salt, looking at it from that point of view would logically conclude that humans are not essential to the earth, rather a nuisance.

Let's try a different, more positive approach. Let's investigate how humans may be or have been helpful to the environment.

Just another species?

First, salt helps keep out bodies, as well as bodies of other species, balanced. Do humans help the earth stay balanced? Actually, we do. Humans are, after all, just another species. We die and our bodies decompose, which acts a catalyst in the growth of plants (which salt seems to have an antagonistic relationship toward), fungi, bacteria and so on. Of course, many of us enclose our dead within marble or cement and refuse to allow the body to be assimilated into the earth. Yet, at one time we buried our dead under the earth or out in the open to be consumed by predators, big and small.

Speaking of predators, we also had predators at one point. Before we developed ingenious ways of defending ourselves, we were chased and killed by lions, tigers, bears, wolves, hyenas, etc. In fact, we are still hunted nowadays. Although these days death via animal is seen as more of a freak accident, people are still killed and eaten by man-eaters such as sharks, bears, lions and so on.

We also contribute a fair amount of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere through exhaling. It's true that we contribute other substances which have been much less helpful, but we are still giving our part by doing nothing more than living.

So, we do help balance by the decomposition of our bodies, our (limited) participation in the food chain and our contribution of carbon dioxide.

Salt also assists with cloud formation and, ergo, rainfall. Rainfall is essential for the survival of ecosystems as it provides drinking water for all animals. Therefore, our second unit of comparison is sustenance. Do humans help the earth sustain itself?

So much for the dodo
Extinction is the first idea that comes to mind as humans have played a huge role in taking other species out, but so has the earth. (Anyone remember dinosaurs?...Anyone?)

Humans may have a bad rap as far as animals like the dodo bird, but they have also irrigated barren landscapes such as the Central Valley in California. Water creates life whether it was naturally or artificially put there. Also, those weekend warriors managing gardens in their backyard have created mini-ecosystems in the midst of suburbia, which serve a variety of insects, small rodents and millions of bacteria.

As for salt's tenuous relationship with plants, humans have the same problem. Although nearly all of us will agree we love parks, some of us even enjoy walks through wooded areas, but we also like living in houses and reading books, which are all made possible through the destruction of trees. Agriculture, which is another one of our claims to fame, also requires the destruction of forests to create farmland. Yet (it's something of a paradox), in eliminating wooded areas we replace them with plants (although we sometimes grow them ad nausum until the soil is barren). We grow flowers, replant trees and even set aside whole areas for the flourishing of ecosystems of bountiful green. All this is done because we really like green stuff. We just like to use it to make other stuff we enjoy as well.

A close examination reveals few differences between us and salt. We both balance and sustain the earth. As far as plants go, we're a bit more lenient than salt with our green friends, although
we're bigger so we have had the chance to cause far more destruction. At the end of the day, it all comes down to motives. Humans want to live and salt's raison d'être is to keep things alive. It comes down, interestingly, to balance. Salt must be balanced to maintain life, just as our needs must be balanced to ensure that resources will be available for us to continue living.

Now, would someone pass the damn pepper?

POP CULTURE FACEOFF

Family Guy vs. Futurama

Two prime-time animated series axed by FOX and brought back from the dead thanks to impressive DVD sales, Adult Swim and its loyal army of doped-out dorm dwellers. Both have left a definitive mark on pop-culture but only one can be the best.

ROUND 1: WRITING

Developed by David X. Cohen and Matt Groening, the guy who created The Simpsons, Futurama couples Looney Tunes style slapstick with clever satire and academic references.

Created by Seth McFarlane, former animator for Hannah-Barbera, Family Guy is a celebration of pop culture littered with absurd critiques on specific aspects of American culture.

WINNER: FUTURAMA

The show is just written better. Where Family Guy can be witty and smart (between the long /over exaggerated puke, fart or fight scenes), Futurama is funny and speaks to our humanity. There are episodes that put aside the humor, exploring issues like abandonment, loneliness and love. Futurama was bold, never claiming to owe fans anything, especially a laugh. The criticisms presented in South Park's Cartoon Wars episode are founded, a Family Guy episode doesn’t seem to take much thought or planning, relying on a series of interchangeable jokes and stolen premises instead of character arcs, plot points and storytelling.

ROUND 2: ANIMATION

Preliminary story-boarding, scripting and pencil drawn animatics done in the U.S. and then shipped off to South Korea to be finished and add CGI. One episode of Futurama can take up to 9 months to make.

Preliminary story-boarding, scripting and pencil drawn animatics done in the U.S. and then shipped off to South Korea to be finished and add CGI. One episode of Family Guy can take up to 9 months to make.

WINNER: DRAW

Both are manufactured by little Asian children. Annyong!

ROUND 3: LEADING MEN

Phillip J. Fry - comic every man stuck in the future. Due to the fact that he was an outcast in his own time, Fry manages to fit well in a land filled with aliens, mutants and cigar smoking robots.

Peter Griffin - comic every man stuck in the present and due to his total disregard for his own personal safety, and that of his family, he is often ostracized.

WINNER: Peter Griffin

Overweight, mentally challenged Rhode Islander with a smoking-hot wife and a dog that clearly has a drinking problem, that is way funny.

ROUND 4: SUCCESS

…..

WINNER: FAMILY GUY

No contest, Family Guy has received more critical acclaim and endorsement deals. Seth McFarlane has capitalized on everything from Family Guy pencils to clocks to blankets to toilet paper. Yes, Futurama has won some Emmy's, but so has Family Guy and for a brief period Peter Griffin was the spokesperson for SUBWAY... An animated fat guy replaced Jarred Fogle.

Results

WINNER: FUTURAMA

How many times can you repackage the same series with the same disjointed jokes? With The Cleveland Show set to air this fall and American Dad! renewed for a fifth season, Seth McFarlane maybe wearing himself thin. Along with all of the merch, this overexposure is sure to kill Family Guy the way time kills boy-bands. Years from now when Futurama cements its position as a cult classic, Family Guy may serve only as an example of how corporate greed can spoil even the most revolutionary of animated series.

BOOKMARKS

This month's Bookmarks:
Analogies


Donald
The Time Traveler's Wife
Audrey Niffeneger

The Time Traveler's Wife is to science-fiction as apples are to oranges, both fruit but all-together different.

Audrey Niffeneger is a supernova throwing light over the galaxy that is pop fiction.

Henry DeTamble is to Clare Abshire as the ocean is to marine life.


Nick
God's Problem
Bart Ehrman

Bart Ehrman is to Biblical Criticism as Woody Allen is to Jewish culture

God's Problem is to evangelicals as spinach is to children

Ehrman's style is to the reader as David Letterman is to the viewer.



Justin
The Road
Cormac McCarthy

The Road is to the apocalypse as "Fargo" is to Wisconsin.

"The fire" is to the man and the boy as gasoline is to an automobile.

This book is to "just a journey" as Oprah is to "just a talk-show host."

PORT MANTEAU

EPISODE 2

SURVIVAL TIPS

Human Beings




















...with a Zombie

Cheerio! Ella 'ere. Hope you're all passing well. Me mates must've thought I was all sixes and sevens the other day when I said I'd finally conjured up a plan to outsmart those livey buggers with their automatics and tanks, but it's true. You don't 'ave to wander about without a plan. In fact, that's been our problem for the past lifetime or so. We need a manner of action.
So, you 'ave a bloody circus runnin' at you as you're walking down the way to get a bite. Shut in on both sides. Up a feckin' wall. In situations like this, it's our first instinct to panic and run at them off your trolley, teeth out, hands in the air, screaming.
Running always seems like a good idea to us. It's 'ow we respond to everything. This may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but running at a wanker armed to the bones is actually the worst idea you can...come up...
Wait a tic.

ARGGHH! MUGGHMM! RULFF! RULFF! GLOP...BLEECH!

'ad a bit of a row with a teeny one down the way. No worries. Delicious, I must say. Seems the cuter they are the better they taste.
Anyhow, moving on. There are a few bits and pieces you can use to keep safe during the 'uman invasion.
First, it's good to know who you're workin' with. Yanks tend to 'ang out in the mall, Brits in the pub or else wanderin' about the city and Scots are drunk as a skunk in the roundabout.
Ha, ha. Justa bit of pissin' 'round. Me mother's a Scot and I love the bastards. They are absolutely scrummy! Anyway, you'll want to watch places with locks and doors. It's a bit embarrassin' that after all these years and we've yet to understand 'ow to work a simple knob and lock. If those dinos in Jurassic Park could work 'em you think we'd be able to figure 'em out. Bugger, eh? Nonetheless, stay away from those places.
It's best to be amongst others as well. I never travel without me mates and it's always fun when we get together and find some stupid wank all alone. We run at him all at once, screamin' our arses off and he pisses himself before we rip him to shreds.
Great fun.
Lastly, if you find yourself in a building, storage closet, what 'ave you - stay put. I can't tell you 'ow many poor bastards got themselves filled full o' iron and powder 'cause they wanted to make show of it all.
Other than that, 'ave fun, run fast and 'ave a good meal.

PORT MANTEAU

EPISODE 1