REJECTED IDEAS

HUMAN VS.
A Bud Light can
with special guest Britney Spears


SURVIVAL TIPS
Chicken Scroggin' with Montgomery "Shiny Top" Burton


RECIPE OF THE MONTH
Razor Blade Filled Chocolates Repackaged To Look Like Chocolates Without Razor Blades In Them
with Pee Wee Herman


THE LOST PAGES
The Importance of Being Shiny
with Truman Capote

HUMAN VS.

Flashlight










Human beings and flashlights have become intimately connected by a single phenomenon: light. Without light, there is no need for anyone to wave a plastic stick around in a dark area. It is light which binds us together, so it is our relationship to light which will be the point of comparison.

To start the discussion, let us define a flashlight as a handheld object which provides artificially-generated light. A flashlight can come in all sizes, from a keychain to a Mag Light, and even a bit larger. Next, let's define a flashlight's relationship to light.

Flashlights find their reason for existence in light. They are a descendant of the common light bulb, of the filament and electrical charge. As a holistic entity, flashlights provide their own light with the aid of batteries which provide the electrical charge. Flashlights have no need for light. Actually, they have no choice but to give light when prompted. A flashlight's light is helpful but not all-encompassing. It only provides light in the direction it is pointed. The design and size of the flashlight always determines how much light it can provide.

Human beings and light are intimately connected. We cannot survive without light. Our light comes from the sun and we cannot generate it on our own. Without light, we would not receive many essential vitamins, among them Vitamin E. Light has been the source of fascination for centuries for health, aesthetic and religious reasons. Humans have recognized light as a synonym of realization and insight as well as goodness. Nearly all religions use light as a symbol of holiness. Color is also generated by light which is of much importance to humans for utilitarian as well as aesthetic reasons.

Finding common ground seems fruitless so far. Flashlights find their purpose in providing light while humans sustain their existence by light. It seems the two are at two different ends of the spectrum. Is there any characteristic the two share?

Human beings created flashlights. Even more so, human beings created artificial light. Although we cannot live (at least not healthily) without natural light, we could function without it. The light in which flashlights find their raison d'etre is actually the light of our creation. The flashlight's reason for being is, so to say, an artificial one. As artificial is, it is. The flashlight is somewhat of an imitation of the nature of artificial light.

Then, are human beings an imitation of light?

In a way, yes.

Human beings, when exposed to proper amounts of natural light generate a wide assortment of colors; colors which are made possible as a phenomena of light. Light is both a wave and a particle. Humans are also a paradoxical dual being, generating both violent and peaceful actions. Humans have also based their circadian rhythms around what they perceived to be the rhythm of light. Although the sun doesn't really set, humans perceive it to do so and have structured their waking and sleeping rhythms with its rise and fall.

Human beings, when the majority of their light is artificial, can become pallid in skin color and grow ill (as a result of a lack of important nutrients and vitamins received from light). Whereas natural light possesses all seven colors in the spectrum, artificial light has three colors as well as ultra violet and infra-red radiation - all in excess with the ultra violet and infra-red rays in possibly harmful doses.

In relation to natural light, flashlights have no purpose and are rendered useless.

They relationship here, it appears, is inverse.

Flashlights find meaning in artificial light and no meaning in natural light. Humans find little meaning in artificial light (and could become sick from overexposure), while natural light is necessary for their survival.

As useful as flashlights are to us, we're on completely different paths. They are, in fact, as a substitute for a natural night vision which we seemed to have lost (or lost confidence in) long ago. The relationship between them and us is zilch.

THE LOST PAGES

Goblets













with Ayn Rand



The goblet is not a feudal instrument.
Although goblets were used during earlier governmental institutions inferior to capitalism, they are an essential aspect to capitalism.
Those who view the goblet as a symbol of self-aggrandizement and arrogance are fair to say so. The goblet is not a cup. A cup is sufficient to drink liquid from. Using a goblet, one can drink a sufficient amount of liquid, leaving enough to pour upon the ground in blatant wastefulness.

Is this cruel?

Of course, mankind is cruel by nature. Those who decry this remark obviously ignore the millennia of cruelty man has done to one another. The fruitless attempt to indulge in a pursuit for benevolence and brotherly love is shown by the ruthlessness with which man approaches others. Man is not a moral creature, but is immoral by nature. The noble ideal (and it is noble) to achieve tranquility among all humans is not with the race of man in mind.

Man is imperfect and evil.

This, in itself, can be depressing to those who value man's so-called "goodness". In this instant, it is good to reach for a goblet. Anything can be inside of a goblet. A liquid is best, but if one wishes to place gold inside the goblet it can be done. This is the basic precept upon which the United States of America was founded: individual rights. Even though man is evil, he can respect the right of other men to put what they wish in their goblets.

Those who disagree with goblets have the right to do so as well. They can enjoy a mere sufficient amount of liquid from a small cup. They can join the Peace Corps and try to save the world. They can recycle.

It is all useless, of course. Man has made no moral progress for the thousands of years he has sought to do so. Those who would long to become one among the countless martyrs who have tried to change this can do so.

Those who would choose to rest in reality can sit back and have a nice sip from their diamond studded goblet.

BIT LIT

Ambition: Thy Name Is Sunshine
The ballsiest Mario ever

In the fall of 2002, Nintendo elated fans by releasing Super Mario Sunshine, the sequel to the highly-lauded Super Mario 64. This was Mario's next step, a push to a more thorough experience, the one that would lead them all into the future of 3D platforming.

So why, then, do gamers look back at it and say, "Super Mario Sunshine? MEH."?

Some may argue that it changed the formula. Untrue. The hub world was still there. The portals were still there. The missions within those portals were still there, as were the number of missions. The game was largely the same thing as Super Mario 64, just prettier. Critics loved it, and it sold over 5 million copies. So why, nearly a decade later, is there so much hate?

Playing the game, one finds the answer:
Super Mario Sunshine is the most ambitious Mario game ever released.

The game did everything you're not supposed to do in a Mario game. The changes were numerous:

1. No Mushroom Kingdom
The game takes place on the remote Isle Delfino. Gone are the toads, and the goombas, and everything we've known before. You meet new enemies, and new characters call Piantas. Why so? Mario and Peach are taking a vacation. Simple enough. But as they land, they're met with opposition. The local police have spotted a supposed Mario spreading sludge around the utopian island. Which brings us to another departure:

2. Anonymous Enemy
You play through most of the game without even knowing what enemy you're fighting. All you know is an iridescent Mario clone is running around, ruining Isle Delfino by painting muck over environments and even citizens. Only deep into the game is the true enemy revealed. Then, there's another enemy. (Betcha can't guess who that is.)


3. No Power-Ups
No power mushrooms, no fire flowers, no capes. What? How are you supposed to survive? Meet FLUDD, a water gun. Seriously. For the first time, Mario was tied to his weapon. It could spray like a hose, provide lift like a jetpack, and even transform into a rocket or propeller. And it could talk. It added a shooter element to the Mario world, and this is probably the most controversial of all the new additions...unless you count when...


4. FLUDD Disappears?
There are random levels in the game where things go from open-world 3D with FLUDD to traditional Mario, hopping and jumping with deft timing through difficult platforming areas. Even worse? These levels had no floors. So a misstep led to death, every time. (This, it seems, would inspire large sections of the next game, Super Mario Galaxy.)

5. WTF Shines?
We had just decided to start collecting stars in Super Mario 64. Now we're collecting shines? And Shine Get! isn't even proper English.





As previously stated, the game was a huge hit commercially and critically. Gamers who have, for years, begged for innovation, now turn their noses up at the game that had the most originality of any Mario game released. In truth, though, the problem lies with canon. People feel there shouldn't be any break in the line of events, even though the series is nonlinear (because the same thing happens in every game. How you go about fixing the problem is different each time, but the story remains unchanged). The experience is jarring, and it does stick out when you think about the typical Mario game.

Running and jumping had become shooting and floating. Yoshi made his first 3D appearance (at least, in playable form), but that experience had been modified too. Everything we had been taught about Mario had been flipped onto its head. A small core group of people call it the worst Mario game ever made due to this departure, but in truth, it's the most ambitious franchise game yet, and it led to key elements of future Mario games. Plus, it's actually a fantastic game. The new location allowed Nintendo to craft whole new worlds based around completely new concepts. Canon didn't matter because it didn't have to. Had Super Mario Sunshine taken place in some tropical section of the Mushroom Kingdom, there would have been no innovation. No stars? Of course not! The Shines are the Piantas' version of stars. The fact that there was mystery to our enemy kept us guessing, and FLUDD actually let you explore the world without simply pressing A to jump, as you always had before.

Super Mario Sunshine gets unfairly hated on because it experimented; but the truth is, experimenting isn't bad. Without experimenting, there would have been no Super Mario 2. There wouldn't have even been Super Mario Bros. We've been playing video games for so long that we get caught up in what video games are "supposed" to be. If video games were supposed to simply stay with what we've known, we would have permanently turned off our systems years ago. The reality is this: The experiments are the ones that shine.

POP CULTURE FACEOFF

Two presidents concealing a chronic medical illness in fear that the stigma associated with their condition may cause the nation to question their leadership. Though only one of them actually served as Commander and Chief, the similarities between Josiah Bartlett (Martin Sheen) and Ronald Reagan, are as great as their vastly different political views. But who was the better President?

It's time for a FACEOFF!!!

Round 1: Foreign Policy

BARTLET

Acting under the belief that America has a moral responsibility to police the world, Bartlet was a perpetual meddler. His proclivity for interventionism succeed in pissing off numerous world leaders. While he did manage to negotiate a historic agreement between Israeli-Palestinians, "solving" the Middle-East conflict proved costly, committing billions of dollars and thousands of American soldiers to playing peacekeeper. He also called for the assassination of a Qumari diplomat in Season 3, Episode 22.

REAGAN
When the Cold War started to escalate, Reagan and his administration made moves that neutralized the USSR. By increasing the firepower of the American military he lured the Soviet Union into an arms race. They closed the weapons gap by crushing their own economy. As a result Russia was forced to curb their hatred for the western world and modern capitalism. Reagan, brought about an end to the Cold War.

WINNER
Ronald Reagan"Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history whose last pages even now are being written."
Ouchies.

Round 2: Intelligence

BARTLET
Scoring a 1590 on his SAT's (back when that meant something) he was accepted to Yale but decided instead to attend the University of Notre Dame. He graduated Summa Cum Laude with a Bachelor's in American Studies. Later he got his Masters and his PH.D. in Economics from the London School of Economics. After receiving tenure from Dartmouth College, learning how to speak four languages and winning a Nobel Laureate, he then served three terms as United States House Representative for New Hampshire.

REAGAN
He once said, "Facts are stupid things," and was nicknamed "The Gipper."

WINNER
Josiah BartlettFacts aren't stupid.

Round 3: Experience

...
Well, one of them is real and served as governor of California for over 8 years, the other is a fictional character created by Aaron Sorkin
...

DRAW Aaron Sorkin is a hell of a writer.

RESULTS

WINNER

Ronald Reagan
Elected president at the age of 69, this guy took a bullet to the chest his first year in office, and survived. He's like 50 Cent, only better. Reagan was a certified bad-ass, spouting off truisms and approaching his presidency with the same swagger he would a movie role. So "Reaganomics" benefited the rich rather than the poor. He was friends with the rich! That's not bad leadership, that's loyalty. Screw Iran-Contra, Reagan's administration was laying the foundation for an American empire. All the manipulation, and the Commi-criticism, and the bloodshed of third-world innocents, was done out of love for his country and a desire to see a new century where America took its place as the supreme superpower. Hail to the Chief.

SHINY SPOTTING

Night Court - Burger and Fries - Watch more Funny Videos

SHINY SPOTTING

Method "Shiny Suds" from Cherilyn Anderson on Vimeo.

POP ROOTS

Struggle For Illumination
90s music and the journey toward the light















While many are preparing for a look back at the 00s and a reflection on what it has brought to the music world (and culture in general), it is best to begin that journey with an examination of the soil out of which 00s music and culture grew. The 90s, a decade despised by some and heralded by others, is the progenitor of all things in the 00s whether people like or dislike it. And what were the 90s? This post will examine (in a very truncated format, but mostly through the medium of popular music) the 90s as a struggle toward and ultimate failure to reach light. And what that might mean.

The 90s' inchoate years are actually run-off (as the beginning of any decade is) from the previous decade. It was an accumulation of the bipolar nature of the 80s: big spending, high highs...followed by big deficits and low lows. MC Hammer was part of the remaining tendrils of that era. His flashy suits, parachute pants and curious choreography are considered tacky elements of an ignorant era in popular music. Yet, he was actually a portent of the change that would take place in hip hop mid-decade (with Puff Daddy and his Bad Boy empire). He was also a frivolous spender, a supernova whose shows were bigger than life and quite expensive. His final tour was so expensive it ran out of money half way through. Two years into the decade his flashy, imperative style of music was quickly washed out, literally and figuratively.

It wasn't just MC Hammer, though. New Kids On The Block were the precursors to the boy band phenomenon. Their crisp, clean vocals (as well as nice, new suits) enveloped everything that the 90s nostalgically wished to carry over from the hey-day of the previous decade. They were newness incarnate. They were all white as well, a white-washed harmonious sound and crisp choreography (similar to MC Hammer's production) which engulfed tweens. Meanwhile, soaring stadium rock still had its foot in the door, and let's not forget that the early 90s were the short-lived era of Vanilla Ice.













Yet, cultural change was on the horizon. The Persian Gulf War and the rise in taxes during the first Bush administration brought domestic and international turmoil to America's doorstep. To add to this, the 1992 LA Race Riots slammed Americans in the face with the undulating racial problem still unresolved and stoked by the Rodney King verdict. These things may have been the catalyst for the rise of alternative music, an antithesis to a music world a growing minority of musicians felt wasn't representing the rough underlining of American culture.

And so came the darkness: grunge music which retaliated against the plasticity of modern rock/glam rock carry-overs from the 80s, with Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Sonic Youth being the major names. It was a revolt similar to Bob Dylan's rise as an antithetical pop star in the 60s. These bands were DIY and in some cases there wasn't much D to IY. Yet, this was the point. A melancholic punk philosophy that anguished over the macabre fabric which (as they saw it) was the reality of the world revealed when the veil of the 80s was torn away. There also came gangsta rap. While the 80s had groups and individuals with lyrical bite, the early 90s witnessed the rise of N.W.A. which popularized a style pioneered in the early 80s; yet, it reached widespread popularity only in the early 90s. This exactly correlated with the Race Riots.
Suppressed anger and rage emerging finally? Freud would have a field day with it.

It would get much darker. Other groups which passed under the radar in the 80s such as Soundgarden and Schooly D reached a greater audience. They produced a plethora of imitators and the early 90s were suddenly covered in a cynical world view which postmodernism had already been working at for years dismantling the idea of truth and structure. Music/culture was just reflecting this and it all was an aspect of quantum theory: the world is a collection of small packs of energy where all things are possible, all things are true and untrue. It is a chaotic universe and music should reflect this, should tell the truth that there was no truth. By 1994, the decade further delved into the dark with the suicide of Kurt Cobain, the baseball strike and the OJ Simpson trial (which rubbed salt in the wounds created by the race riot two years earlier). Bill Clinton's Monica Lewinsky scandal and the assassinations of Tupac Shakur and Christopher Smalls further darkened the horizon for those hoping for a Great Society to emerge out of the clutter of the first half of the decade. For the majority, the 90s seemed driven to plunge America into cynicism, but there would come a light.

It would be boy bands that pointed us back on track. Hanson, Backstreet Boys, NSync, BBMak and so on and so on. Their rise begins in 1996 and leads to widespread popularity by the end of 1997. Why were these groups so special? They weren't exactly new. The early to mid 90s had seen R&B groups such as Boyz II Men and All 4 One reach high pop status. But how did these differ?
The defining element is the identification of a structure. This was a direct refutation of the chaotic universe many alternative rock and rap musicians sought to discuss. This said that pop music had an order: the shy one, the bad one, the cute one, the big brother and the nice one. Early R&B groups had harmony and catchy hooks, but it was the holistic nature of their group which they missed. Five different types of boy. At one end was the nice one and the other end was the bad one. White and black. In the middle were the primary colors: big brother, cute and shy. Groups leading up to the boy band explosion came nowhere near this symmetry. Yet, gangsta rap and grunge reacted against it heavily. Not the boy band movement itself, but the idea that this was how the "real" world was. In a sense, boy bands were not real light, but a fluorescent bulb created in a factory. Try as they might, light was breaking through and this rise of faux light explains the fervor which occurred simultaneously in the hip-hop community.

Shiny suits, flashy colors, colorful cars - this was the era introduced by Puff Daddy, Mase and the Bad Boy crew in the wake of Notorious B.I.G's death. In fact, it can be argued that it still lives. Bad Boy initiated hip-hop to the masses, but as a far more materialistic product than medium of social awareness. It was shiny; videos were filled with spotlights and sparkling medallions. It was a trend which influenced the Cash Money Millionaires (Juvenile, Lil' Wayne) and sundry. Instead of rapping about the darkness of poverty, people were beginning at the top to get to the top. It mirrored a phrase C.S. Lewis used to describe the act of prayer as something one fakes at first until it becomes real. Popular hip-hop was faking the dream in a realm of light until it became tangible.

Yet, the center could not hold. The 90s, despite boy bands' and flashy hip-hop's best efforts longed to delve into darkness. The rise of soft metal/rap crossovers such as Limp Bizkit and Korn, the dark lyrics of Eminem and the sudden popularity of Marilyn Manson's gothic images in the late 90s were clear indicators the 90s was still a sick decade. Further indications of this were the Woodstock 1999 fiasco which (unlike the 1969 event) resulted in chaos: military groups were called in, MTV broadcasted the burning of staging, reported multiple rapes and vendors charged absurd prices for basic necessities which many consider the impetus for this.


Thus the 90s was a struggle for light. There are good moments in it. Happy music was recorded, but the 90s is a poetic decade. The outlandish opulence of MC Hammer's performances reach shaved down to their lowest common denominator in the greed which fueled the fire at Woodstock 1999. Yet, this is not to say the 90s were a depressing decade. The shortlived (widespread) popularity of grunge should not stand for an entire decade. Rather, the 90s were struggle to attain illumination, to reach a positive foundation despite rough conditions.

Society is mirrored in this struggle. The 90s were an inchoate period of birthing and growing. The internet was born at the beginning of the 90s, but its full realization was not reached until after the 90s were over. It is no surprise the majority of 00s has seen a societal movement almost entirely intangible in nature. People communicate without communicating (Facebook, MySpace) and people sing without really being able to sing (auto-tune). After a delve into the darkness, one longs for the light. Yet, Dante did not immediately rise into Paradise after a staunch through the Inferno. No, he needed to travel through Purgatory.

The 00s seem like this sort of zone. Traces of the 90s needed to be burned off and faced. In some senses they were, but in most cases people sunk into denial or distraction through technology. The challenge still remains to reach Paradise. Whether the 10s will see this happen and society emerge from Purgatory into artistic, cultural and musical renew or continue to fall back into denial and distraction through fruitless inversion via technology, it remains to be seen.

SURVIVAL TIPS

Belt Buckles
















with Ed Peterson, President of the Idaho Chapter of the International Belt Buckle Society

I've got a young feller that picks me up to go to the Dollar Tree and the IGA every Tuesday. When he picks me up, that's when I wear my belt buckle. I shine it up real nice the night before cause it takes me a while to get outta bed and I ain't gonna be late. Most people just use a little Windex or polish, but I don't. That stuff don't really get anything clean. It just makes it look clean. Leaves them streaks all over it and you can't see the eagle in the sunlight.
What's that young feller's name? It starts with a D.
I got some onions at the IGA yesterday. I guess that must mean it's Wednesday. Well, the week goes fast, don't it? I figger I'll make me a casserole. I used to could make them everyday, but there's only so many onions you can take home from the IGA. I can't stand to cut more than two. So, it's gonna be a small casserole.
I guess I wear my belt buckle before I go to the Rotary Club meeting. We're gonna send some Chinese looking boy to Japan to study something. I don't know. Ain't that something? Some Chinese boy going to Japan to learn something. You think they wouldn't have to since they all speak the same language.
I was at the IGA when this lady from one of them churches came up and told me how much she loved my belt buckle and I said to her well thank you and she said where'd you get it from and I said I reckon I got it somewhere and she said where and I said I don't rightly remember and she said well when you do you let me know so I can get one for my son and I said all right.
Now I got this one here at a yard sale. I was over there with Alfred - he's dead now - and I pointed out this one belt buckle there and I said now if you ain't ever seen such a pretty lookin thing and he said no I ain't ever seen it and so I bought it and I'm wearin it now. You see.
Now if you want tips on belt buckles I ain't the one to talk to. You gotta talk to Alfred. He's dead now, but he woulda told you everything. He had about eight or nine belt buckles. I ain't got but seven. That's just enough for me. I only got two pairs of pants. This one and the other one.
I got a few with the state flag on em. Actually, hold on, let me take a look...

...I'm lookin in here...damn things is messy ain't they...ain't cleaned this out in years...

...there's a sock...

...there's a - oh, here they are! Right here. Now, you see. There's about five here with the state flag on em. One here with the Navy symbol and...that's it, I think...oh yeah, you can count this one I'm wearin, too. With the eagle on it. You see it.
What was I talking about? Oh! You gotta polish em. I use Pledge. That's a furniture polish but it don't matter too much, I guess. You can use it for anything. I use it on the plants sometimes. See there. That one's growin all right. By the winder there.
I guess that young feller's gonna come soon. I done told him he should come to a Idaho chapter meetin. It was just me and Alfred headin it up and we could use some new blood. I guess I'll tell you what I told him. Iffen you get a belt buckle, you keep it polished I said. And you keep it in your underwear drawer so ain't nobody can steal it.
That's what I do and I been doin just fine.

SHINY SPOTTING

SHINY

Jewelry, gold, new cars - these are ideas that may pop into the heads of most people when the word "shiny" is mentioned.

It's certainly understandable. The concept of shiny is firmly attached to newness, freshness, cleanliness. Some street vendors make their living off people who need to have shiny shoes. Companies subsist on people's desire to have shiny furniture, hair, vehicles, cutlery, brass... the list could continue much longer.

But shiny is more than the newness of things. After all, there are many cars which shine brightly but are not worth the Turtle Wax scrubbed relentlessly against their frame; you can make furniture shine by putting plastic wrap on it and shiny hair is not necessarily an indicator of goodness or cleanliness (sometimes it's an indicator of just the opposite).

Because oil shines, too. And so does water. Even blood can shine with the right luminescent attention.

Yet, people shine as well: metaphorically if they are famous, or literally if they have a holiness (or purity) about them. Eyes shine and so does the sun. We have sunshine, but also moonshine. One is the act of light imposing itself on an object. The other is an object which imposes itself on us with potentially disastrous consequences (yet, not without an interesting story).

Shiny has many facets. It demonstrates both outer and inner wealth. It is an indicator of life as a shiny complexion in most entities demonstrates vitality. Yet, dummies and mannequins can also be shiny. So, it is also an indicator of fraudulent life. Of a lie.

It is right, perhaps, that shiny is the month of January, which is the beginning of a new year. A year that has yet to receive the tatters of bad news and horrible happenings. This month, we will explore shiny - sometimes looking for the sparkling golden underlining and sometimes for the shining silver crescent of moon hiding in darkest night.

By the end of the month, shiny will (hopefully) mean more than a new pair of shoes; rather, a concept which we find hiding even in the shadows of our lives.