REJECTED IDEAS

HUMAN VS.
Rabbits
(Key difference: All they do is eat and poop...wait a minute, I do that, too)


SURVIVAL TIPS
Magical Powers...with special guest, Jesus Christ
(I hope he does the Easter trick...that was neat.)


THE MAN SOGYNIST
Magic Fingers should replace penises
(And all penises should be cut off)


EDITOR'S NOTE
"Why I'm A Tool"
with special guest, David Copperfield
(Excerpt: "It's not just my haircut, but the fact that I had the audacity to actually take credit for making a space shuttle disappear. It was just a big camera trick. Well,at least I'm not David Blaine, eh?)

HUMAN VS.

Genie




















The classical relationship of the human and genie has been a paradoxical one: a being of enormous, infinite power bows in submission to one of comparatively, finite power. The thread that binds the two together and creates this strange relationship is magic. Magic binds the genie to the lamp and the service of the one who rubs it. The best way to compare humans and genies should be to look at how each entity sees their purpose and place in the world.

Purpose will be divided into two sections: first, what does the entity consider themselves and themselves in relation to their surroundings and second, what do they consider their ultimate goal and why do they want this?

First, we need to clarify what we mean by "genie".

A genie roots itself from the Arabic root "JNN", which means to hide or conceal. The actual root word is djinn. In Islam, djinn were considered one of three types of supernatural beings, besides angels and demons. Only a master magician could control the actions of a djinn (which could be used for good and evil). Of course, a genie means something a bit different today. Today it is an entity trapped inside a magic lamp which is obliged to give three wishes to the lucky one who rubs the lamp thrice. Movies such as Disney's Aladdin change the concept of a genie as an entity longing to be free rather than a spiritual being aiming to serve those who summon it.

This evolution is very important in relation to the first section discussed above as the way a genie considers itself. Djinn, for instance, had free will and could come and go wherever they wanted. The modern genie is trapped in a magic lamp and must bow to the master who rubs the lamp.

Humans have crossed several thresholds as well. The theory of evolution demonstrates that humans slowly developed skills with which to hunt, farm, build homes and (eventually) cities. The modern human is understood as a miraculous achievement and/or creation for their intellect which far surpasses any other animal on the planet. Yet, as much as evolution has seen fit to equip humans to be in the driver's seat, the realization appears ever stronger with each new advancement that they are not in control. In this sense, they harbor a striking resemblance to the imprisonment of the modern genie to the will of its master and the ancient djinn which went to and fro with free will. The ancient humans, although at a lack for certain sorts of technology and luxury, maintained a deep connection to the earth (which was their survival) and appear to have intuited much from daily life and experience.

Ancient humans' expected age of death was much younger, but there was also less disease with which to deal. Ancient humans' consideration of their place in the universe is something that was understood. Modern humans, however, find it to be one of their greatest struggles. As the djinn understood their entity and moved without self-consciousness through the world, ancient humans understood their role in the rhythms and cycles of the earth as they were closer to the animal kingdom. Modern humans are handicapped by their distance from the earth and the loss of certain connections which became severed as humans developed beyond the rest of the animal kingdom.

In modern terms, the genie and the human both consider themselves powerful but limited to their master and their thought.

The second section considered what humans and genies call their goals, their purpose. For the modern genie (which we will deal with because we are dealing with the modern human) the goal is two-fold: the genie wishes to do its master's bidding and be free.

For humans, it's a bit more complex.

There is no one school of thought concerning this. Some humans believe it is the purpose and goal of their lives to help others, others find the conversion of other humans to a certain belief system as a goal, others believe there is no ultimate goal and on and on. The basic duality beneath these beliefs and the countless other which could be listed are as follows: there is a goal and there isn't a goal.

This could be correlated with the genie's goals as humans who believe they do have a purpose give into a master in a certain sense. By this it is meant, humans who believe they have a purpose bow to a power or a guideline by which they must live to accomplish this purpose (i.e. to convert people one must seek the guidance/power to which one is converting people; to be good and help people one must abide by certain moralistic guidelines which would allow one to be and do so). Those humans who do not believe they have a goal or purpose could, in fact, be compared to the djinn, which caused mischief or assistance, could be good or bad or neither and were a very little substance or "a smokeless fire" as the Qu'ran states. Those who believe there are no goals construct their own moral code either or anarchy or antagonism. The Church of Satan is an example. The Punk movement is another.

Ultimately, humans and genies hold quite a few similarities. They have both evolved from more "primitive" beings to become advanced, yet they have lost many of the skills which allowed them to do so. Humans have created inclusively, imprisoning themselves in a magic lamp of their own creation. For them (just as for the modern genie), freedom is an illusion achieved through short term separation from the need for money or technology. Yet, humans' return to these societal devices are no different than the awesome power of the genie displayed to the universe before returning to the interior of a small lamp.

THE MAN SOGNYIST

The Phallic Apple
How the "magic" of the apple is one big penis-shaped barrier holding womyn back from equality


Often my blog posts will come to me in a vision. Usually, they're during my hour-long yoga postures before heading out to the organic foods market, but today it was while I was preparing the ingredients for my cook Rosalita to prepare Okerie Okerie's lunch. I had just finished reading the neo-conservative rant from the Informed Observer. Here it is:

"First, dear informed reader, there's a reason we wear clothes. I don't care if you think it's because you Eve bit the apple or an ape developed a brain, we wear clothes because nudity IS meant to be a personal shin-dig. You do it in your own home, in your shower and the bedroom. Now all those nay-saying hippies that argue in favor of stripping to their skin and flaunting around in some European resort won't like that. They'll say, 'Don't preach to me! I can do what I want!'

You know, sometimes I question giving the First Amendment to everyone." (ERGO Magazine, November 2009)

Besides NASCAR racing, this is the only thing I can't stand. In case you didn't catch it or you happen to be a MAN (who never catch anything), let me highlight it for you. He (and I KNOW it's a HE) states, "First, dear informed reader, there's a reason we wear clothes. I don't care if you think it's because Eve bit the apple or an ape developed a brain, we wear clothes because nudity IS meant to be a personal shin-dig."

Rosalita? Cubra los oídos de Okerie Okerie? Gracias.

Ahem.

FUCK YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKING GODDAM DICKHEAD!

Okay, Rosalita. It's fine. Destape sus oídos.

First off, I don't think this idiot should be calling anyone who reads his posts "informed". The extent of their cultural knowledge probably stops at Toby Keith's last album and the latest NASCAR collector's plates. It's not just that he is insulting the beliefs of a particular group of people, but that he would use the old bit about Eve and the apple. His rant may have been about nudity on the surface, but beneath it all he was just pushing his thumb down on the entire female race.
Am I overreacting? Was Gloria Steinem overreacting? Was Judith Butler overreacting? Was Ani DiFranco overreacting?
For those of you who may not have a clue what I'm talking about, don't worry. Many of you were lucky enough not to be indoctrinated into the patriarchal mind control machine known as the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, I had such bad luck and can tell you that in the bible (I REFUSE to capitalize it) there is an origin story which says sin came into the world because the first womyn convinced the first man to eat fruit from a forbidden tree.
Now everybody's FUCKED.
Sorry, Okerie Okerie. Rosalita, would you cubra his fucking oídos when I say fucking.
Anyway, that's the story but it was the beginning of everything from feet bondage to household slavery. The problem I have with it is that it's NOT TRUE.

First, I argue against the idea if God as a MAN to BEGAN WITH.
If God was a man, nothing would have gotten done. Men are not good planners. I'll give you an example. Let's say you decide with a man to adopt a child from Nigeria. You sit down for months to make all the necessary arrangements, but right when it happens he skips out on you. You're left alone with this Nigerian little boy and have to hire your maid as a nanny and pay her extra.

If that's not proof enough, then look at every country from the ancient world: Greece, Rome, Sparta, Persia...I could go on and on. Do you know what they have in common? They ALL are NOT HERE ANYMORE. So, let's dispense with this idea of God as a MAN. It's ludicrous. Even further, let's look at this little wet dream we call the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve walking around naked. You know, this just sounds like something that MEN with their 12-year-old mindframe would come up with. A beautiful womyn naked constantly just waiting for you to shove a DICK in her -
Sorry, Okerie Okerie. Rosalita...goddammit...anyway...

Anyway, what I'm telling you sit that this one act has not only ruined womyn but apples as well. It's actually put us into symbiotic relationship of oppression. Apples = Oppression. Do you see this? Let me explain further.

This magic little fruit keeps reappearing. It sets Snow White into a catatonic state. Paris gives a golden apple to the gods and takes Helen as a wife (a SLAVE in other words) and (BIG SURPRISE) starts a war. It even continues to this day with that mindless book series written by that little (and I hate saying this word) CUNT Stephanie Meyer. The apple on the front is supposed to represent the Garden of Good and Evil and she does it justice with a female character that is as brainless as that twat in the bible story.

The apple itself represents everything MEN think about womyn. It's red, which is their conception of as mindless machines of sex and passion. It's soft and round. This little tidbit is what has kept womyn thumbed down from competing alongside men in sporting events because we're too tender to compete with the "stronger" gender.
They're just afraid we'll kick their asses.

If you want any further proof that MEN are using this apple routine to push us down into an eternal BLOWJOB, then just think about the Adam's Apple. First and foremost, womyn have one, TOO. This is one of those guilt trips they try to push on us after we happen to mention the countless millenniums of oppression we've suffered under.

This may seem pedantic, but it's a big step in undermining the foundation MEN have used to keep us in high-heeled shoes and rib-crushing corsets. So, get out there and spread the word that Eve didn't eat the apple, Adam just dropped the ball! Let's strip the magic from the apple because the magic is keeping us from being presidents, kings and CEOs. It's like Anita, a local protest folk singer for womyn's rights says, "Don't fucking fuck me anymore with your fuck machine. I'm done being fucked. Fuck you."

Sorry Okerie Okerie. Rosalita, you're fucking fired.

I'm off!

POP ROOTS

The Magic Letter K and Other Sports Phenomena


Anyone who doubts the magic inherent within sports should watch a highlights show. Bill Buckner's 1986 World Series error, Magic Johnson's lay-up, the New York Giants' win over the unstoppable New England Patriots. You get a thrill when you see upsets, mistakes and triumphs. Especially when upon reflection, they seem to have been preemptive, planned from the beginning of time to settle some cosmic bet with the way they seamlessly work into the ultimate flux of things. Yet, magic is not just a word for an emotion we feel with a particularly emotional play. It could be actual. As Ergo Magazine explores the concept of magic, it is fitting that we look at magic within sports, American sports in particular.
Why American sports?
Because there is an inclusiveness to American sports. Compared to other countries whose sports have completed diaspora after diaspora and suffered various interpretations which have brought the sport back to its originators in a very different form, American sports are still very new. Although the world has embraced most of them to a certain extent, the still maintain the sense that they ARE American.
The focus of this small investigation will be the three American sports most ubiquitous around the world: football, baseball and basketball. The investigation will also be threefold focusing on the field, instruments and rules.

Field

Each of the three sports play on a field with marked boundaries. The players understand that crossing these boundaries could render their actions of progress useless. The "magic" of the field is that within this space the act they are completing not only has relevance but has power.

Were Derek Jeter to begin his day hitting balls in a small park or an open field with no boundaries, he would be utterly ignored. Yet, because there is a boundary laid down his act (and the act of all other sports players) is given meaning). This is similar to an act in magic used in divination. The medium uses a substance (salt, for example) and spreads it around in a certain shape in order to create a closed universe. It is a realm small enough that it is conceivable for a medium to alter the state of the space enough for the essence of a being from the spiritual world to survive there. In baseball, one finds the shape of the diamond predominant. Its shape is formed by powdered chalk and three bases or safety zones where an individual is safe from being purged from the diamond. This is indicative of mediums who use a talisman from the physical world to keep them from being pulled into the spiritual world (or, vice-versa).

In basketball, it is the rectangle. In the middle of the rectangle, is a circle which separates the rectangle into two squares. The significance of this almost goes without saying that one is made two by the use of a circle. One could refer earlier to the physical and spiritual worlds, which were momentarily connected by a talisman, medium or both. The circle's significance is present in Eastern mysticism as well as magic spells in witchcraft and Wiccan belief. In basketball, the circle is where play begins. Inside this circle, the actual game is created, the back-and-forth of opposing teams which enacts the play. Without the circle basketball could not exist. It is an alchemy of sorts. This is even more important when one considers the tools used to play the game, which will be considered later.

In football, it is a rectangle as well, but an unseparated rectangle. The field is 120 yards with 100 yards being the actual playing field. At each end is a safe zone which each team designs colorfully to indicate the safety and power present within the space. Beyond this safety zone is a goal post. The goal post is usually colored yellow, the color of the sun. The field is green, the color of the earth. This is a microcosm of the universe, something which is done in the alchemy in order to pinpoint certain forces which want to gathered or used. This will be of a greater importance when discussing the rules.



Instruments

Each of the three sports use instruments or tools in some way. Without tools, magic cannot be enacted. There must be something to concentrate the power one is dealing with; otherwise, the strength of the power called upon could destroy the one attempting to harness it.

In baseball, there are two main instruments: the bat and the ball. Within the magic diamond, the bat becomes a magic wand. Swing the wand and one will create the magic of movement, of points. Yet, the wand is nothing without the ball, which is the crystal ball. Within it is born the secret of its use. The pitcher and the batter are two dueling magicians. The pitcher's "potion" is the pitch, which the batter must understand and use for his own purposes. If the batter guesses correctly, he can transverse the magic diamond. Yet, there is a catch (no pun intended). The batter must touch the ball to the earth in order to transverse the magic diamond. Else, he must strike the ball outside the magic diamond so it loses its power and he (and anyone on the bases) harness completely the ultimate power of the diamond.

It was mentioned earlier that the alchemist's circle at the center of the court is what allows the game to be created. Otherwise, there can be no game. Of course, what allows the alchemist circle to become magical in this sense is the presence of the basketball, the magic orb. The orb itself is blessed with circles round about it, so the presence of the circle within a circle is what creates the power needed to enact the game. At each end of the court is a goal with a round hoop (another circle) which the orb must be placed in to gain power over the opposing set of players. The more difficult (in other words, the greater the length from the basket) the ball is to put into the basket, the more power it contains (much as the power with which a baseball is hit usually indicates the power the batter wields).

Football is centered around the power of the oval-shaped football. It is brown (like the earth) and has a crisscross design on top of it. These are the signs of the cross which bless the ball (not shaped as the classic circle, it is imperfect, but with the presence of the cross it is made perfect - the cross, by the way, is not just the Christian symbol for salvation, but the magic symbol of heaven within the earth; the power of heaven within the earth). The ball is blessed and passes between two yellow uprights. Yellow is the element of air in Wiccan spirituality. The ball (blessed by the sign of the cross) passes into the element of air bringing the work of the earth to the work of the heavens. The game is in itself a pure form when this is done.


Rules

Magic has its rules; precepts which not be crossed if the potion or spell is to work correctly. Much of this has already been referred to indirectly. All three sports use rules, much as the boundaries on the field are used, to control the magic taking place within. Without the rules the game might spin into infinity or chaos. They are the membrane which encloses the instruments and the field and ensures that the magic of the sport is productive rather than disruptive.

In baseball, the rules are separated into threes. Each inning has two halves with a break in between making three. There are nine innings and nine is divisible by three into three. The batter must not miss three strikes, else he will be cast out of the diamond. The strikes themselves are often called by the term "K". K is also a magic number. It is the eleventh number of many alphabets. In ancient Egyptian it is shorthand for creative energy. There are also nine players on the field, again corresponding to the number three. Three is considered a sacred or magic number in much of religious, spiritual or magic belief.

The usage of the ball is an important part of basketball's rules. The ball is sacred. If one doesn't touch it to the earth with every other step (or touch it to the earth at all) it could be taken away. There is a time limit to how long a ball can be passed between teammates before it must be tossed into the hoop. The two hoops themselves are like two number 1's. Two 1's being 11, which is the corresponding number to the letter K. While in play opposing players must be careful how they touch each other as too hard a touch will create a foul and allow the foul player to stand outside the magic boundary with the ball; all the more power now in their hands. There are two halves separated by a halftime break. This is the number three again. Each half is 48 minutes long. Together the game is 96 minutes. Divided by three, that is 32. 3+2=5. 5 is the number of players on each team. Therefore, the game in essence is purity as its inclusive nature can create beauty in form.

Football teams are allowed to have 11 players on the field. This corresponds to the magic letter K. The goal posts at the end must be placed behind the safety zone or endzone area. They are just at the edge of the magic boundary. Their shape is also like that of an 11. There are four quarters with 15 minutes each. 15 is divisible by 3. Each team has four downs to make it into the endzone. Four is the number of the quarters and downs. There are also four seasons, four humors and four essences to reality (earth, wind, air, fire - often used in alchemy). As explained earlier, the magic boundary allows the act of the sport to take place. It also allows the quarters, downs (as well as the seasons, essences and humors) to be brought to life. The football, blessed with the cross, is run into the endzone to receive 6 points (6 is divisible by 3 into 2: the goal posts are two poles making the number form of the letter K). When the blessed ball is kicked through the two poles the points total 7. 7 is the number of perfection.

It can probably be inferred that each of the sports has magical elements present in one another. For example, the 15 minutes in football is also divisible by 3 into 5 which is the number of players on a basketball court; 3+2=5 and 3 is the number of outs and strikes and 2 is the number of sections to an inning in baseball. Although it may seem like intellectual pedantry to go about like this, games are an enigma and should be explored as so. After all, why do we play them? Just to have fun?

One would think that the emotions which surround the breaking of the Bambino's curse by Boston or upsets during college Bowl Games speak to the importance invested in sports and the magical effect they have on us. Games aren't just games. They are an important part of our existence. For many people, they give meaning to life. If there isn't magic in that, there isn't magic in anything.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

Miracles


For:

Walt Whitman

I know nothing else but miracles whether I walk the streets of Manhattan or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky or wade with naked feet along the beach just in the edge of the water or stand under the trees in the woods or talk by day with any one I love or sleep in bed at night with anyone I love or watch honey bees busy around the hive of a summer forenoon or the wonderfulness of the sundown or of stars shining so quiet and bright or the exquisite delicate thin curve of the new moon in spring... what stranger miracles are there?




Against:

Mark Twain

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

It could not be expressed better.






Walt Whitman was an American poet, a pioneer in American literature and author of classic poetical work, Leaves of Grass. Mark Twain was an American author of numerous novels and travel books. Both were intrigued by the magic (or lack thereof) inherent within miracles.

THE LIST

Pop culture is such a capricious wench. She'll toss you in and out without a moment's notice unless you've got the chops to change yourself every few years (or days). Yet, there are those who ignore her call to metamorphosis, but also stubbornly root their feet in the soil of the public eye. If our most gracious pop goddess won't toss them out, then it's time for us to recognize...

Five People Who Are Losing Their Magic


1. Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell made a killing off the emotional repression of suburban white males. His characters reverted to child-like temper tantrums and pranced about in shameless arrogance. His swan song sold well and sold long (Threadless.com owes him a fortune in royalties), but now Ferrell as well as us are finding the same song eventually fades into AM Radio anonymity. Ferrell cruised off the momentum of SNL fame, but now it's time to either move beyond Ricky Bobby or move out.



2. Tiger Woods

At one time he was the underdog. Not in a David Vs. Goliath sense, but in a glass ceiling sense. Tiger has so much golf libido that it would have been impossible for him NOT to be a sports star. Yet, the same people who rooted for Woods to move beyond racist caddies and whitewashed Green Jackets are now the ones who grumbled with his accumulating success. Woods' most recent public affair and his announcement to leave golf "indefinitely" to patch things up at home is not a good sign. In sports, just as in music, when people say they're taking an "indefinite" leave of absence, it usually means "infinite."


3. Seth McFarlane

Stretch Laffy Taffy far enough and at a certain point it will snap. MacFarlane is not a chewy candy, but spreading your muse over three simultaneous shows runs the risk of reaching maximum density. Much as Ferrell's "professional frat boy" has seen its stretch of the horizon, MacFarlane's rambling, non-centric humor inherent in Family Guy can only take so many incarnations. Is it because the public is growing weary with plotless plots or incessant pop culture references? Not at all! Rather, it's the homogeneity of it all; the subtle arrogance inherent in MacFarlane's oeuvre that he can force feed the public the same jokes over and over again is soon to reach its breaking point.



4. David Letterman

The same hip, ironic host who once beheld Andy Kaufman losing his mind on air in a string of obscenities, received a pair of Madonna's underwear before interviewing her and degraded himself as much as the pop culture populous surrounding him, has become a crotchety old man. Yet, it's not the thinning hair or the noticed change in features. Rather, Letterman's rants have become less of a comic diatribe and more of an aimless, cantankerous yell; akin to an old man on a porch yelling at the kids riding their bicycles too fast. As Leno has moved to an earlier slot, perhaps it is time Letterman to do the same and bow to a younger force in the late night slot.


5. David Blaine

At one point people were actually interested in David Blaine. He was magician to the stars, friends with Leonardo DiCaprio, a mystical olive-skinned stranger doing magic not on the stage behind countless props; rather, he was on the sidewalk, at the corner store or on the steps of an apartment building. Yet, after countless tests of endurance (all failed, by the way), people began to see Blaine not as a man who loved to mystify the mind, but one who loved to aggrandize himself with his own magic. He's always been performing for an audience of one and pretty soon that may be all he has left.

MAGIC SPOTTING

POP CULTURE FACEOFF

This month:

THE PRESTIGE
vs.
THE ILLUSIONIST

Two magic movies that came out literally 7 weeks apart.
Which one gets sawed in half?
Find out, in the triumphant return of this month's mystifying
POP CULTURE FACEOFF.


CAST
The Prestige
Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Michael Caine

The Illusionist
Edward Norton, Paul Giamatti, Jessica Biel

WINNER
Draw.
Two outstanding casts. 'Nough said.


STORY
The Prestige
A rivalry piece pitting two top magicians head-to-head, struggling to outdo each other.

The Illusionist
A love story wherein the main character uses magic to undermine authority and get his way.

WINNER
Draw.
Damn, two fascinating works here.


PRESENTATION
The Prestige
Modern-ish (set around the time that Tesla was working); slicker than its counterpart.

The Illusionist
Set in the 1900's, so it looks it; pulls off the authenticity (and check out Norton's goatee!)

WINNER
The Illusionist
The visuals are so carefully crafted, it really feels like magic.


IMDB / ROTTEN TOMATOES
The Prestige
8.4 out of 10 / 75%

The Illusionist
7.7 out of 10 / 74%

WINNER
The Prestige
When fans and critics (although marginally) agree, something's there.


BOX OFFICE
The Prestige
$53,002,677

The Illusionist
$39,680,302

WINNER
The Prestige
Once again, the numbers don't lie.


A Note From Justin
Ok, so it seems that in the breakdown of this PCF,
The Prestige tops The Illusionist by a score of 2-1, since the DRAWs don't count.
But -
I watched these two movies on back-to-back nights.
And loved them both.
I can not pick a favorite.
So, this POP CULTURE FACEOFF ends in a
DRAW.

EDITOR'S NOTE

Magic World
by Nick Hilbourn

Magic.

Pfff!

And I do mean, pff!

In this day and age do I need another thing I'm not allowed to know, another thing I'm not allowed to grasp? An age which brings us a foundation of uncertainty with science based on the whimsical nature of quantum mechanics, marriage (whether gay or straight) being questioned to the umpteenth degree and the very essence of truth defined as a personal opinion, I need something solid I can KNOW.

Excuse my acerbic tone, but this leads back (as all things do) to a tragic elementary school incident. The stage was an after-school program I went to with my friends. Events were always being organized to burn off the steady diet of Coca-Cola and Sun Chips we were fed as we walked in the door.

One day a magician came and did a few magic tricks, wowed our second grade minds with metal rings that seemingly passed through each other like water (this can now be explained scientifically through quantum mechanics, by the way) and other mindbending acts. At the end he presented everyone in attendance with a small pocket book full of instructions of how to perform some of the magic tricks we'd seen that day.

Let me define "everyone" for you though, because it didn't include me. So, there I was, while my friends Josh and Steven looked through their book of secrets (refusing the tiniest glance to me).

And there you have it. Magic was just another thing I was not allowed to know.

Now, this wasn't so bad 2,000 years ago when people lived in a world constructed of the gods and everything was a mystery of heaven. Mysteries of heaven are fine. But these are times when all the mysteries have been revealed as a bag of chaos, an ethereal universe of floating bogs and images - none of which are tangible and could change any moment.

And science says, more or less, nothing is in control.

So, NO ONE knows the secrets behind anything. No one knows anything and people are making up stuff all the time. Reality, it is said, is a construction. It's what we expect to see, so it is what we see. It's all perception and magic is just distortion of perception.

Where I'm getting with this is, magic is a drug and I want in. I don't want to mess in psychedelics or shoot myself in the vein with a needle of happy juice or inhale paint thinner.

I want to have clear vision. I want to see beyond a stationary perception. It's my worry that I'm never seeing what's really there. Although some people have come to grips with it, I haven't. It really frightens me that - somewhere out there - Josh and Steven are walking around with the book of secrets.

And I still don't know how the damn rings pass through one another.

It irritates me slightly that we must accept that the world is mist and that everything is (eventually) imperceptible. That we must assume things and accept our assumptions.

Although I must admit that sometimes I just give up. Sometimes I sit and stare at the world and allow myself to sink into intentional mindlessness, into ignorance. Sometimes it's really nice to be so overwhelmed by the mystery of everything because it means you don't have to think about things and about the daily existence of not thinking about things because to do so would prevent from living.

Life is magic and I guess I must overcome my desire to figure it out.

SURVIVAL TIPS

Babes














with Nate the Great


Hey, bro, what's up? Nate the Great's my name and magic is my game. Listen, if you want an inside track to Babe World, then magic is the WAY to GO. All those guys playing football and baseball, they don't know shizznat about the ladies.
And what's to know about the ladies?
They like pizazz.
Totally, like, when I first got to high school, things weren't going so well. None of the babes digged me. They were uptight because I was shorter than them and I was always looking at their bazonkas.
Hey? Can you blame me? They shoulda taken it as a compliment. Huge bazonkas are, like, the shizznat.
Anyway, all I had to do was start pulling a little magic here and there and I had them in the palm of my hand. Now I'm serving magic for people almost every other day. At parties, cool kids' houses, you name it. Feel interested? Just follow this steps and you'll, like, be in there.

1. Get a Cool Name
Nobody does magic without a cool name. Check out mine: Nate the Great. It's the shizznat! It's catchy and it rhymes. Now, say your name is Joshua or Morton. THAT'S just another way to say BITCH. Know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to be real. Shorten your name to J Man or Mo Dawg and you'll be totally in there.

2. Keep It Real
Just like I was doing with you. I was keeping it real and that's what you gotta do with folks or they're never going to buy your magic. Part of that's just confidence. Keep your eyes on their eyes and let them know that you're just here to have fun. Just wanna party. Babes LOVE to party.

3. Run Deep
You can't go out on the field if you don't have a helmet. You feel me, dawg? You gotta have the right equipment or your magic's never gonna take off. Me? I always get my magic stuff from the best guys. They keep it real and they have cool names like Slice, Candy Man, Skillet and James. That's, like, the first two things on my list. They also don't cheap skate me, which is the most important part of doing magic: that people know your magic is real and its not just sugar or pencil shavings.

4. Keep the Code
All good magicians know you don't reveal your secrets. So, don't go telling the whole school about your magic, okay? Hell to the yeah, people can talk about how your magic is the shizznat, but you can't go doing all this self promo. The one thing you gotta know about magic before anything is that some people are just bitches and can't handle it. They'll tell everybody about your magic. So, be careful who you talk to. Magicians got to keep themselves tight. Know what I'm saying?

5. Don't Be A Bitch
Maybe you're wondering when the babes are coming in? Well, this is it. Once you master everything above, you can take your show on the road ANYWHERE. I've been invited to so many parties I can't count. People love magic. And you know who loves magic the most? White girls. Especially the ones with huge bazonkas. And you might say, 'Man, Nate Dawg. I don't want a white girl.' Hold up, bro. White girls are the shizz now! The best thing to do is to toss a girl a little magic on the house to get her going and she won't stop! You'll be up to your neck in bazonkas in no time!

And that's all you've got to do! Now, it's not gonna happen all at once. You gotta start small first. Just keep at it and you'll find that babes will always be up on you for some magic once you've let them have a taste. I mean, what could be better? Totally hot babes all on you and making a little cash on the side. Is there anything wrong with that?

Nope. It's just capitalism, bro!

MAGIC SPOTTING

EDITOR'S NOTE

Ready to Believe
by Donald E.W. Quist

"No Magic," she'd say to me, like it was the devil or something to be aborted. We had to get rid of it because whether or not we believed in the magic, it believed in us. It could twist us, use us for war. The war was between good and evil, the devil and God, and Magic was a viral weapon used by demons to mislead otherwise good people, or at least that's how it was explained to me at Kingdom Hall.

My mother had left the Methodist church due to scheduling conflicts when I was 6. The Witnesses were convenient, like pizza delivery boys serving up hot slices of God's love, and they congregated weeknights. My denomination meant that I was rushed by magic sets whenever we walked through toy stores. It meant I didn't go Trick-or-Treating and my birthday would never be all that big a deal. It also meant that the magic of Christmas would remain a foreign concept to me long after I stopped reading my Watchtower's.

When she finally decided to return to her Methodist roots, I was around 13. Christmas returned, and thanks to a few visits to my dad's house during the holiday season I was able to identify things like stockings and tinsel. But in my heart I had grown into a grumpy, old, codger - grumbling bah-humbug and pelting carolers with flaming bags of shit. My cynicism has stuck with me for over a decade now.

This year things feel different...

The last few months have been marked by mini miracles and I'm ready to believe in magic. Strange and wonderful things happen everyday and I'm starting to realize that Christmas is just a celebration of those little occurrences that make life worth living. The magic of St. Nick is the magic of humanity. A holiday that (even if superficial and blasphemous) promotes the spirit of giving can't be so bad.

Pass me the eggnog, toss me a funny looking hat and light up that tree. I'm ready for Christmas and the possibility of something more than ordinary.

BONES

Abra, Kadabra, and Alakazam:
How to Capture and Nurture Pokemon with even weirder names.
(Guest Post from Jeremy Condra, Pokemaster)

ABRA
Height: 2'11
Weight: 43 lbs
PSYCHIC TYPE
Habitat: URBAN

The Abra sleeps 18 hours a day, recharging its powerful psychic ability. The Abra will teleport if startled, making this unassuming Pokemon incredibly hard to catch. Equipped with a telepathic radar, Abra's can easily identify approaching enemies, making things all the more difficult. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Lemme guess, you were probably thinking Jigglypuff, right? C'mon! Sing is only marginally effective and most of your crappy Pokemon wouldn't be fast enough to catch an Abra before it teleports. Your best bet is to chuck a quickball at it, or just a regular Pokeball if your funds are low, and hope for the best... NEXT!

NOTE: Let your Abra sleep and keep plenty of spoons handy.



KADABRA
Height: 4'3
Weight:124.6lbs
PSYCHIC TYPE
Habitat: URBAN

Did you know female Kadabra's have a shorter mustache? Of course you didn't. Well, for all you new to the Pokeverse, Kadabra's are the next evolution for Alakazam. Watch out this guy emits telekinetic waves that induce headaches. It likes to walk around with a silver spoon. Not just a fashion statement, the spoon enhances its mental ability. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Ghost Type Pokemon prove incredibly effective. Give it a good Shadow Punch with Gengar, Duskull, etc.

NOTE: Make sure to keep your Kadabra intellectually stimulated. It loves Backgammon and 3D Puzzles. Teach him everything you can because the evolution of this Pokemon doesn't learn new tricks.


ALAKAZAM
Height: 4'11
Weight: 105.8
PSYCHIC TYPE
Habitat: URBAN

The funny thing about these guys is that they can only be created by trading. So if you want an Alakazam, trade him to a Pokemon Trainer you trust and then have him returned to you immediately. The sheer energy of this psychic transference makes a Kadabra evolve into a Alakazam. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Trust no-one! Steal that sucker, Team Rocket Style.

FUN FACT: Alakazam's don't live very long. Their necks eventually snap from the weight of their heads.


JINX
Height: 4'7
Weight: 89.5 lbs
PSYCHIC/ICE TYPE
Habitat: URBAN

Proof that there are cracked out hoes in the Pokemon realm. This creepy little Pokemon spends its days rocking back and forth, screeching to itself incoherently. (Warning, this Pokemon may cause you to dance uncontrollably.) It has psychic abilities and can cast ice moves as well, so mastering Blizzard should be no problem. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Why would you want one anyway. They're lame... NEXT!

NOTE: My professional opinion, take this sucker out back and shoot it like Old Yeller before you get too attached. You want to be a Pokemaster or a Pokemother? You can't coddle every lame Pokemon you come across.


MAGIKARP
Height: 2'11
Weight: 22.0 lbs
WATER TYPE
Habitat: THE FUCKING OCEAN, OBVIOUSLY.

Magickarp's are as stupid as they look. With a low I.Q. and no way to defend itself, a Magickarp can pretty much be taken out by a fish net. However, they evolve into Gyarados so it might be worth sticking it out. BEST POSSIBLE STRATEGY: Fish Pokemon are weak against LIGHTNING TYPES and attacks from above. If you have a Zapados (half bird, half-electricity) blitzkrieg that sucker and keep him in a fish bowl until he evolves into something useful.

NOTE: You're a crappy Pokemon Trainer compared to me, Jeremy Condra.

MAGIC SPOTTING

EDITOR'S NOTE

Who Wouldn't Go?
by Justin Johnson

There's no other way to describe it. The feeling that maybe - just maybe - it's not all a ruse. This time of year is considered the most magical, and I see why. I get into this infectious, unshakable good mood that can only be explained by the time of year. The cooling off of the weather, the busying up of schedules, the buzz of winter coming. The holidays are magic to me.

It's strange. Would it feel this way if the holidays were in July, or if it never cooled off, or if things were just normal until that day? Probably not. I think it's attributed to this rush of a change in the schedule. You get into a routine, day-in, day-out, until suddenly it's late November and you're running around visiting people you only see once a year. Then, you're shopping and going to parties and visiting more people you never see and this sudden burst of activity jolts you up - magically. You can feel dead, then the next minute you're full of energy and flying through everything. That, to me, is magic.

The holidays are filled with this stuff. Santa magically makes it down the chimney and flies around the world in one night. He magically knows what kids want. But the best part is that for one day, what we consider to be magic becomes the norm. Everything on Christmas is just how things are; there is nothing mystical or other-worldly about it. The fact that we can take magic and make it not magic says a lot. We are able to transform what we don't understand into what we do understand.

Magic is what makes the holidays special. It's not the chaos and the fun; it's how we take magic in and create the new us that will encounter the year to come. We are the magic.

MAGIC

What is magic?

Often it's our word for the intriguing yet unknown; the gray, malleable areas of existence.

Magicians entertain us because they understand this area of existence and they're able to use it to seemingly bend reality to their will. Yet, we also know they are deceiving us, that their magic is not real magic, but skill we admire as the skill of a professional athlete or performer. In fact, anyone who is talented in a certain area could be accused of having a sort of "magic", an ability to warp the boundaries of possibility.

Yet, in this sense, we aren't just referencing skill. No, there is something extra within talented people which allows them to excel in a particular area. It is as mystical as the force which moves the planchette across the Ouija board or the dowsing rod to a particular spot. What made them this way? Why were they chosen? Who chose them?

As we ask this question about people, we could also ask it about other things. Why did we choose 3 and 7 as lucky numbers. What is luck? Why do we associate it with certain inanimate objects?

For luck is just as much magic as sleight-of-hand and a wizard's wand.

The question, then, is this: is magic us or is it beyond us? Are we tapping into the Great Beyond or are we deceiving ourselves to serve our own over-active imaginations?

After all, magic isn't just new age shops and card tricks. It's mathematics (the magic square, magic numbers) and religion (faith healers, sacred objects). It's inundated so deeply into reality that we barely notice it sometimes, Santa Claus is magic but he is also a catalyst for consumerism and, therefore, an essential idol within capitalism.

Even love is of a most mystical and (dare we say) magical nature.

There are multiple essences to magic and it's indicative of American society that we are so fast, so distracted we have yet to examine fully the depth of our acceptance of this term and all its incarnations.

This month, ERGO Magazine will explore magic in its most supposedly frivolous as well most serious aspects. Hopefully, this month's issue will be a realization that what we all think we think about magic is an illusion after all.

REJECTED IDEAS

RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB
Noodles with Lucy Liu
(We asked her to do noodles because she's Asian. That's not racist, is it?)

HUMAN VS.
Nabokov
(We thought you pronounced his name NO-bo-kov. Big mistake. Glad we didn't do that one. Actually, I think he's a human. Can someone check on that?)

THE INFORMED OBSERVER
Big Brother Controls Your Nose, The Government Conspiracy Against Bad Smells
(Turns out Nabokov is not human. He's Russian.)

TREES: WTF?
(A new monthly feature!)

THE PEANUT BUTTER KID'S SCIENCE CORNER
NO: Mom's Favorite Word
(Can someone phone Lucy Liu and tell her we're really sorry?)

BIT LIT
NO! DAMMIT! F this GAME!
(Nabokov can eat a NO-sized dick.)

FOURTHOUGHT

NO ONE
You can't just depend on the chemistry of charming leads. Sometimes it takes teamwork; a large cast to adequately convey a small message and the following films best exemplify this. Friendships, synergy, and one stellar pair of pearls; these are the four best ensembles.

AMERICAN PIE (1999): Screeching onto the screen, American Pie was like no other film that came before it, making the sex-crazed antics of Porky's look like a Disney Channel movie. Sure, it followed the same structure of teen flicks that populated the better part of the 80's and early 90's, but it was groundbreaking in that it accurately portrayed the the sex lives of the average American high school student. American Pie birthed the era of the gross-out comedy and the "UNRATED" DVD, and can be thanked for popularizing the word MILF. These achievements can be credited to Jim's pie-f*^&ing, Stifler's foul mouth, Finch's irritable bowel, Oz's lakeside love scene, Kevin's cunning cunnilingus, Michelle's frisky flute, and Nadia's boobs.

(Larry Clark's "KIDS" was WAY less funny.)

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985):

"Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
...and an athlete...
...and a basket case...
...a princess...
...and a criminal...
Does that answer your question?
... Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club."

OCEAN'S ELEVEN ( 2001): One of the few occasions where a remake is as great as the original. Both versions ooze classiness, but the latter had better actors. Where the Rat Pack crooners definitely had charm, the re-do was a star-studded event with more Oscar gold than a red carpet. Getting all these names together, is just as impressive as a casino heist. Director Stephen Soderbergh is nothing short of a mastermind, giving each of these actors decent screen time.

(Ocean's 12 & 13, not so great.)

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S (1969): The outfit that inspired countless Audrey Hepburn parties. Iconic Hepburn as Holly Golightly and her store front outfit remains timeless and elegant. Each of her accessories, from the earrings to the gloves to the purse to the cigarette, compliments her dress. The coup de grace - the massive pearl necklace draped around her clavicle which succeeds in hiding Hepburn's slinky neck and accenting her gorgeous jaw line. That's one hell of an ensemble!

("It's everything you've wanted to do, and Audrey Hepburn's the one you've always wanted to do it with!")

HUMAN VS.

Norway














According to the International Monetary Fund, Norway is the wealthiest country in the world. It paid off all debts and has a pension fund of $200 billion. Needless to say, it's pretty well off. In comparing humans and Norway, it's probably best to make the playing field as equal as possible. Therefore, the world's richest country is going to go head-to-head with the world's richest man, Bill Gates.




















As wealth is the primary point of comparison, Bill Gates and Norway will be compared on three essential features of a wealthy individual (or nation): stability, altruism and responsibility. These three characteristics are the best judge of an entity's essence when said entity is rich. Why? Stability ensures the entity will remain rich, thereby solidifying its identity as a wealthy entity. Altruism ensures the entity will remain "human" by recognizing the rights and existence of other entities, thereby solidifying its existence within our reality. Responsibility is the third strand in the rope which ties the two previous characteristics together by ensuring there is discipline to keep both in check so the entity does not fall apart.

Stability

Norway and Bill Gates have had a history of both tumultuous and placid times. Norway had Vikings, The Black Death and World War I and II, while Bill Gates has had the death of his mother, a traffic violation in 1977 and an antitrust suit filed against Microsoft in 1998.

Both Bill Gates and Norway reached a threshold where after crossing they maintained personal stability. For Norway this time came after World War II. The country's oil reserves and financial planning to this day leaves them as the wealthiest country in the world. Furthermore, their currency (the Krone) is considered by bankers to be the most stable world currency currently. Bill Gates' threshold meanwhile was the fall of Microsoft's stock as well as his own wealth's decline. Yet, he still maintains a considerable fortune at nearly $100 billion dollars.

Both Norway and Bill Gates appear equal in stability.

Altruism

Kindness goes a long way in making friends whether you're a software entrepreneur or a Scandinavian nation. Norway has certainly answered this call within their own country, using their savings to provide health care for all citizens and specialized care for the elderly.

Norway is also a founding member of North Atlantic Treaty Organization, United Nations and the European Union (EU). They have been active alongside the UN with work in the Sudan and Kosovo. The have over 80 embassies across the world and 60 in their capital city of Oslo. Overall, Norway gets a gold star for their contributions to the world community.

Bill Gates is not to be outdone. In 1994 he sold some of his Microsoft stock to create the William H. Gates Foundation. Later, he combined that organization with three Gates family foundations to create the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Gates' Foundation has provided money for AIDS research, education in America and abroad, poverty and TB vaccinations to name a few. However, Gates has received criticism that the Foundation does not give as much as it could and some of the organizations receiving Foundation money utilize tactics which have actually made poverty worse in some cases.

Yet, Gates actually surpasses Norway in altruism. Not necessarily in money, but in the diversity of programs sponsored. While Norway has given support to the international community, its welfare programs remain primarily inclusive. Although Gates' Foundation has received criticism, it does not overshadow the amount of good it does in such diverse places. Gates takes the cake in this category.

Responsibility

What does it mean to be a responsible country? First, it means maintaining stability by ensuring needs are met within its own borders, which Norway does. Second, it means projecting an image that ensures respect is held for the money and support it gives. Norway's solid currency and positive first step in ecologically friendly activities (e.g. renewable and alternative energy use, pollution control, etc.) sets itself as a role model for other countries. Thereby, Norway presents not only tangible goods to the world community, but intangible goods; giving but also living in a positive manner. Both these steps contribute to a world community in need of guideposts for operating a healthy society.

The same goes for being a responsible person. Are needs met within the person's life and does it project an image which ensures respect for the money it gives? Gates has successfully raised three children alongside his wife, Melinda. They are comfortably housed in a 66,000 sq. foot home. He engages in outdoor activities such as golf and tennis to supplement his health. He is also an avid reader with a large home library. This, alongside an active business life, keeps his mind active. Although Gates was an acerbic boss and businessman in the early years of Microsoft, he has since withdrawn from business life and focused on altruistic ventures in the latter years of his life. This reflective rather than active position portrays a positive sense of security and self-worth as Gates is no longer driven to out-do competitors, rather to help others.

Both Bill Gates and Norway match each other in responsibility. Overall, it appears Norway falls short of human beings as it is still slightly withdrawn from full-investment in human affairs (as opposed to political affairs) as its status as a country prevents this. Gates has stretched his (and Microsoft's) wallet to cover the world.

This is possible for individual human beings, while a country - made up of many individuals with differing motives - cannot possibly achieve this type of linear projection. Countries, although rich, have too many political considerations to make any great leaps. It is, as it has always been, up to individuals to invest in others, to save the world.