REJECTED IDEAS

Punctuanimals
R: Leanosaurus

The List
Trees: WTF?

The Lost Pages
Samuel Morse - ".-- --- .-. -.. ... / ... . .-. .. --- ..- ... .-.. -.-- --..-- / .-- --- .-. -.. ... "

Human Vs.
@
Key difference: We're fuckin' smarter.

Recipe Of The Month Club
The Quiche'tion Mark

Guest Editor's Note
Maury Povich's "Teens That Don't Punctuate"

FOURTHOUGHT

The Worst Sci-Fi/ Fantasy Film Titles to Feature a Colon
Everyone knows the only thing nerds love more than punctuation is seemingly unnecessary sci-fi/ fantasy sequels. The colon has become such a de-rigueur for every geek-speak saga that we here at ERGO thought it time to call attention to the ones that don’t make any sense. Here are the four worst sci-fi/fantasy titles to feature a colon.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) - This was of course the second installment in a series of films about time-traveling cyborgs that just can’t figure out how to kill a teenage boy. Alright, Sky-net, we’ll bite. You’ve mastered the art of nano-bot technology, you’ve got a Robert Patrick sized liquid-metal death machine that can turn his hands into everything accept a gun? The Terminator saga has plot holes so big you could drive Optimus Prime through it, and the continuity mistakes are enough to give you a brain aneurysm. This apocalyptic title tries to add a greater sense of depth to a 2hour action sequence. But who’s judging, certainly not us

Terminator 2: Multimillion Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) - Calm down Tolkien fans, we speak friend and have no qualms with the tales of Middle Earth. Our only beef, The Return of the King is one of those titles that sounds good but doesn’t really mean anything. The Lord of the Rings was originally intended to be told in over five volumes. The final installment was never intended to be called The Return of the King, as Aragorn is only a supportive character no more valuable than Gandalf, and he is the FIRST King of the West. The king isn’t returning from anywhere.

That’s High King of the Reunited Kingdom for all you Gygax game playing dweebs walking around with 20 sided die and a copy of the book.

Star Trek: The Voyage Home (1986) - Time traveling whales, WTF? Kirk and the gang, after disobeying orders, stealing a ship and resurrecting Spock, have decided to come out of hiding and return home to face their judgment. What the title proposed as the simple yet dramatic story of the Enterprise crew returning to Earth gets bogged down with a preachy environmental message about how protecting humpback whales could save the future.

.

Trekkies - going Green before Green was cool.

Star Wars ep. 1-3 (1999 - 2005) - Not a single one of the titles that accompanied George Lucas’s ridiculous prequels made any sort of sense. The quick action subtitles that followed the Star Wars heading didn’t make the poorly written plots any easier to understand, in fact they only served in raising more questions. Who the hell was the Phantom Menace, Anakin or that Darth Maul asshole? Is it really considered an “attack of the clones” if the clones aren’t attacking our heroes? Why exactly are the Sith seeking revenge and what are they trying to accomplish?

Sidious and his whole organization need to conduct a SWOT analysis, and maybe draft a statement of purpose.

POP ROOTS

A 'Tale' of "Two" Quotations
Or, What's Up British and American Quotation Marks?

For those anal-retentive American grammarians, there is one punctuation problem that may have them tossing and turning all night; and it has to do with the British use of the quotation mark. The double or single quotation mark: what's the difference and why is there a difference between American usage and British usage?

First, let's take a step back and look at the quotation mark itself.

He said, She said and the genesis of '
The first quotation marks were used in the eighteenth century. Before then, quotations were indicated by identifying the speaker ("he said", "she said", etc.) or changing the font style (italics or an entirely different style of font). This could prove quite confusing by modern standards as in texts such as Le Morte d'Arthur, which features long paragraphs with many speakers and no quotation marks. In the 16th century, many printers began placing quotation marks at the beginning of paragraphs, indenting the first line of a quote. When this was abandoned, the indentations remained (the indented first line of a paragraph remains a rule to this day). The quotation mark was first used in Early Modern English to indicate only succinct comments, then expanded to include everyday speech; the first recorded usage being in the early 18th century.

The first use of the quotation mark was singular and that is something that has remained as standard in the United Kingdom. The solidification of the double quotation in American writing begins with the solidification of American literature around the mid-19th century.

Yes, but why was a certain version chosen by over another one?

Perhaps it's time to look at the reasoning behind a quotation mark.

Mouth Before Pen
Language begins orally.
No one begins writing first, rather we speak first. Our language is later "translated" into a particular symbol of written speech. Linguists say that written language is a sign of spoken language. Linguists such Jacques Lacan and Ferdinand de Saussure point out that written language means nothing and its attachment to verbal expression is arbitrary. The oldest written texts in the world were oral long before anyone thought to write them down; and when they were oral, there was no need for quotation marks.
The speaker conveyed the idea of quotation marks.
Much like grammar, quotation marks are a social construct used for a literate society attempting to organize an oral society.
So, quotation marks are a method of organizing speech, differentiating it from the actions and thoughts a character in a novel is having or had. While speaking can be, in the words language philosopher J.L. Austin, either constantive (statements that are true or false such as, "This is blue") or performative (the statement itself is an act such as, "I promise"), quotation marks are most assuredly performative; regardless of what the character is saying, the quotation marks indicate the character is doing something: speaking.

Quoting Around The World
This all seems rather pedantic until one considers that perhaps different versions of the quotation mark may indicate in what way the culture considers the individual action of speech. As speech is one of the most important ways of communication amongst human beings, this becomes much less an intellectual exercise and much more a potential exegesis of a culture's opinion of the human essence.

Many Romance languages such as Spanish, Catalan and Italian use angle quotation marks, «…».

Japanese, Traditional Chinese and Korean use corner brackets, 「…」or 『…』And some languages use quotation marks at the bottom and top of the line, „…”.

The importance of the quotation marks can be discerned by using the Asian style of corner brackets as an example. The brackets are only used when writing vertically, the traditional style of writing in Korea, Japan and China. The only country which uses quotation marks in the horizontal writing is Korea. Japan and China only do this rarely. Is this an indication of a greater Western lean in Chinese and Japanese; of stronger Western support in Korea? Perhaps this is so, although it can be argued that Japan has just as strong a relationship with Western countries as Korea. However, this also could be a small form of rebellion against Western influence.

Of course, any number of ideas could be expressed, but one senses that punctuation is just as intimate to a language as the glyphs, grammar and idioms are. In this case, what do single and double quotation marks say to us about the differences between American and British writers?

Stubborn Yanks and The Invention of "
The difference might be the result of stubbornness. The single quotation mark has remained a staple of British punctuation partly because it is so ingrained in the culture from earlier times. Why? The question should be, Why not? Quotation marks had never been invented before, so why be pedantic about a punctuation mark that many worked without for centuries previously. In this case, it falls on the American side.

The double quotation arose during the middle of the 19th century. This was juxtaposed with the rise of an American literature. Prior to this time period, the world saw American literature as the younger nascent echo of a much stronger British literature. Emerson and Thoreau certainly carried weight, but theirs was a philosophical literature. Fiction, the primordial soup for quotation marks, did not emerge until Mark Twain, Bret Harte and a host of American Renaissance scribes took the world stage. Not only this, but the capitalist spirit predominant in America encouraged writers to take control of their own destiny. This was especially true in Twain's case as his ill-fated investment into printing showed. Yet, an American spirit naturally rebellious to the pervading influence (and perhaps, arrogance) of British literature was now in possession of a personal printing press (or in close cohoots with one who did own a press) and thought nothing of adding an extra quotation mark to further differentiate their literature from that of their ancestors.

Conclusion
Punctuation arises from written language and systems and language and systems arises from the spoken language of people and the spoken language of people arises from the souls of people themselves. While two quotation marks may seem a petty discussion, its standardization in American further shows that, with each day, American writers are seeking to separate themselves from an ancient connection across the sea; a past they feel is insignificant in the event of the birth of a new literature, a new language and a new human.

BIT LIT

ERGO MAGAZINE ONLINE'S
MEGA MAN P
STRATEGY GUIDE

Boss selection screen (click to biggenize)

Mega Man's been through a lot. But nothing like this before.

As always, Mega Man has once again become embroiled in Dr. Wily's schemes to take over the world. In this adventure, however, he's facing off against some unlikely foes: The Marks of Punctuation. Here's a quick-and-dirty strategy guide to help you get to the final boss fight.

PERIOD MAN

Attack style
- Will shorten your lengthy attacks
- If lined up with two replicants, will cause delay in response time

How to defend
- Continue shooting; do not allow Period Man to break your flow
- Dash during the dots; it will mix the message up, confusing him

Power earned from defeating
- Mega Dot: Stops opponent's attack

COMMA MAN

Attack style
- Will strike with one attack, stop, and attack with a second one
- Will also alight and combine the two attacks into one new attack

How to defend
- Shoot conjunctions to make his lower interrupter attack obsolete
- If Comma Man starts to fly, start a constant list barrage; he'll be compelled to stay low

Power earned from defeating
- Lister: Multiplies attack power

AND MAN

Attack style
- Compounds attack after attack to allow for maximum damage
- May take on human characteristics of opponent

How to defend
- Stay alert; if you suddenly notice comparisons between yourself and him, shake it off
- Use the Lister to confuse him; without the chance to attack, he'll be powerless

Power earned from defeating
- Ampersand Trap: Captures enemy's attack within

EXCITE MAN

Attack style
- Stops you in your tracks and shocks you
- Waits until end of your attack to change the effect

How to defend
- Even out attack with Mega Dot
- Just, jump over it?

Power earned from defeating
- Yessir: Electrocutes enemy

COLON MAN

Attack style
- Predicates your attack with his own
- Begins a constant barrage if not countered

How to defend
- Start your own barrage of attacks before he gets the chance
- Use the Lister; Colon Man won't be able to resist standing in front of it

Power earned from defeating
- As Follower: Creates a barrier that enemy's attacks line up behind, then fall away

SPLAT MAN

Attack style
- Creates a sticky spot that is difficult to escape
- If a small splat is release at the end of an attack, be prepared: another attack will strike from below

How to defend
- Use the Mega Dot repeatedly. If there's no end to your dots, the splat won't know where to go - When the secondary splat attacks, counter with the As Follower. Too many splats will confuse the enemy

Power earned from defeating
- Axterisk: Appears as a splat but splits off into sharp blades

ASK MAN

Attack style
- Will confuse you by distorting the playing field
- Makes your weapon inventory swap powers, so you're never sure what you're using

How to defend
- Use the Yessir; it will change Ask Man's effect to a positive one
- Mega Dot will make Ask Man think your attack is the definitive one, calling him off

Power earned from defeating
- Wobble: Confuses enemy

TILDE MAN

Attack style
- Slides along atop another object, changing the way your attack occurs
- Appears as a dash, but shakes playing field

How to defend
- Mispronounce your attack; it will make Tilde Man feel obsolete
- Battling outside his level will also have this effect

Power earned from defeating
- Nyeh: Makes your attack foreign to enemies that may have a resistance

We hope this strategy guide has helped you feel more prepared to take on the bosses of MEGA MAN P. Let us know if any of our methods don't work. We'll be sure to tell you you're wrong and to try again. After all, we're the experts here.

HUMAN VS.

&

& is a glyph created from the combination of "e" and "t", the two letters present in the Latin word for "and": et. If & is anything, it is a symbol (and, one could argue, an unnecessary one at that) harking back to the Latin roots undulating within the English language.

To compare Humans and &, we're going to look at what both of them symbolize. Talking about symbolization and human beings might encompass a wide assortment of religious and philosophical views, but we'll look at Western civilization since & is a rooted from a Latin word.

It's best if we start with the beginning.
Origin stories are, often, important clues into the character of a culture, so looking at the origin of & might provide us with insight into its essence.
The origin story of the ampersand is a most relevant tale because it circles around human error. A scribe in the 1st century A.D. once wrote the e and the t too close together and thus began a chain reaction which evolved with each generation of scribes into the current incarnation of &. The chart below shows the et which began the evolution, then the development process reaching the currently accepted form as the invention of printing presses and typesetting eliminated significantly the potential for human error.




In the same sense, human beings are the result of several jumps in their development. To call evolution a series of errors may incorrect, rather it is the result of lessons learned from errors. Human beings, like the ampersand, have undergone much development over the course of a million years. Much like the ampersand, the current product resembles the original very little.









The origin of man has, according to scientists, never stopped and never will. No living thing will ever stop evolving or "correcting" past mistakes. In this sense, & and humans find common ground.

& and Man
But is there any goal in mind?
One must ask this with & as well as with human beings: Is there an ultimate goal to the development of &, an ideal form being sought?
French linguist (and father of modern linguistic thought) Ferdinand de Saussure answered a most furtive "no". For him, there was no destiny of language; it was the caprice of the current cultural tendencies. In this sense, & has no eventual shape except what the current generation (and next and next and next and so on...) does to it. The & (as well as all words, according to Saussure) had no essence. Punctuation are simply tools of the written language created for the amusement and convenience of those who speak it.

Yet, is this the same for man?

One could point to Sartre or Camus and read aloud the myth of Sisyphus to say man's life is meaningless, that humans will continue to evolve into eternity or until they destroy themselves. Or, backing up a bit, one could quote from Kierkegaard that people must construct their own truth (or truths). In this sense, the symbolic evolution of humans could parallel that of & or it could be interpreted as part of a cycle or part of a journey toward creating an ultimate being or society (as in Nietzsche's Übermensch). The jury, as one might say, is
tied. So, looking into destiny may not be a good route for discerning a sizable connection between & and man. One will have to look at what each object symbolizes. For &, that means within the context of the language. For humans, that means within the context of the world.


The Vanity of Nature?
& stands in the place of "and", but why? Why should & be used? It is an outdated ligature that is a hold-over from a time prior to the English language. The word "and" is not that long, yet a symbol is used for it. Is & a symbol for the impetuous nature of society? Is there a sense of the presumptuous in this symbol?
Perhaps both.
& is the result of a society on the run, needing shorter sentences and language forms to deal with an ever accelerating country; but, it is also a indication of a light air of arrogance. Not an overbearing arrogance, but merely a desire to retain the royalty inherent in the roots of the English language. In a sense, & adds some street cred to the language. Yet, on the whole, it is a meaningless addition; & is linguistic vanity.
Running with that idea, are human beings nature's vanity? Is it her way of showing off?
Humans are the highest developed creatures on the planet, yet they are also the highest liability. No one can appreciate more nor destroy more than human beings. If this is nature's way of showing off, then she has a lot of explaining to do in some areas.
Comparing & and humans symbolically proves difficult. & is a useless addition to the world of words, rather an interesting tool for conveying something already easily conveyable. Humans are both an triumph of nature as well as a monster. The comparison is too difficult to be made here.

Conclusion
Overall, & and humans are similar. They are both the result of long process of development that is not over yet. However, whether their journey is meaningless or purposeful remains under consideration. Unlike &, which has definite but somewhat pointless symbolization, humans' symbolization is an existential matter. Are humans the vanity or bane of nature? If they are the vanity, is it vanity in the purely aesthetic sense or vanity in a presumptuous arrogant sense?

It appears that the relationship between & and humans is still not settled. Yet, this small feature can be taken from the discussion. As & is the seamless cohesion of two letters which form one idea (and), so humans are the cohesion of two forces (the vanity and bane of nature) which form one person. There is the capacity for good and bad within human beings. Therefore, perhaps the consideration should not which characteristic should be picked, but what is the final result of the combination of these two attitudes?

It is a conversation that deserves ..., rather than &.

THE LOST PAGES

The Death of Apostrophe













by E.E. Cummings


come hither to me
oh, a
pos
tro
phe

let not the cruel
day (of tech
no
log(os)ie
be thee death
in worlds

un
kept

oh apos
tro
phe

you lie
in wait
your eye gives my I
(an am to call its own)

a pernicious deed holds now your
fate
held by thumbs dumb to
you alone

lost is your voice
quiet yet great , though none seem
to notice your empty

darkened

roam

through lands unneeded of your
ear(y) shape

but your shadow is noticed
at the door of my

home:

this is your bed

my dear

apostroph
e

rest

in

my

p a l m

oh sweet (i beg)

to me come
but more
near

if you would

your body lay within

this psalm
as

for , is too low of a sound

& - is murderous and

quick

you
though
are a flight of birds (i know)

heavenly

as a field afire

as a spirit alit


oh
apostrophe

i celebrate this

as I become an I'm
with your small kiss

RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB

Welcome again to ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club where we invite a very special guests to come share some of their favorite dishes. This month: Authors of The Elements of Style and champions of all things punctuation, William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White, will show you the finer points of making an Apple Ham Sandwich.

WHITE:
Hi, I’m E.B.White, I wrote Charlotte’s Web and today my old friend Strunk and I are going to show you how to make an Ap…

STRUNK:
…AMPERSANDWICH!

What are you going on about now, Strunk?

I said an Ampersandwich, you dullard. Remember, what those young men at ERGO told us. We must keep our entry about punctuation. As this is the punctuation issue, accordingly, we should make sure that our recipe is committed to the same theme, ergo, i.e., we are not instructing visitors how to prepare an Apple Ham Sandwich but an Ampersandwich.

That is morose. I believed an Ampersand to be a general type of typography.

Ah, you, White, are a buffoon.

Ingredients: (Serves Four)

• 1/3 cup creamy Dijon mustard
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 8 slices 7-grain bread, you may substitute whole wheat bread
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/2 pound sliced deli ham, you may substitute turkey breast
• 1 apple, cored and thinly sliced

Directions:

• In a small bowl combine creamy Dijon mustard and honey. Spread on one side of each slice of bread.

Now the unskillful Ampersandwich preparer often violates this principle. One cannot slap a piece of ham naked on bread and call it an Ampersandwich. True, an Ampersandwich can vary in expression, but one must understand that, like punctuation, the best Ampersandwich is prepared by someone that doesn’t express a blatant disregard for the rules. One needs a proper condiment.

You are pathetic, Strunk.

My objections are, first, that your measures are often unjust; second, that they are unconstitutional.

You are a pompous ass of a man.

And your writing is drivel.

• Layer cheese on half the bread slices, top with ham, thin slices of apple and remaining bread.

Charlotte's Web is beloved by millions…

(cough)...millions of idiots...(cough)
Close the Ampersandwich like one would enclose a parenthetic expression between commas.

IT IS A MASTERPIECE THAT TEACHES CHILDREN ABOUT LOVE AND LOSS!

Please, White, it is a pile of drivel told in passive voice. I could have eaten a bowl of Alphabet Cereal and shat a better novel. What type of masterpiece is presented with a verbose spider and a dancing pig?

• To serve, cut sandwiches in half.

I have had enough of your condemnation, Strunk, and your distaste for everything that doesn’t fit into your perception of what is good and fair. People love my work.

People with no taste.

You have no taste!

That's impossible. I hate Charlotte's Web, so how can I have no taste?

You're despicable.

…did you know people believe you to be a woman? Elizabeth Betty White, Eloise Betsy White.

I loathe you. You turn a task as simple as making a sandwich and muck it up with useless rhetoric?

…AMPERSANDWICH!

Come see us next month for another delicious dish from another celebrity guest star, only at ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club.

SOUND WAVES

The Most Infamous Punctuation Uses Ever!
(Like that gratuitous exclamation point above)

Ah, music. The ever-downward-spiraling mass-market medium that we all know and love. In no other form of entertainment are there moments that make you say, "What?" than in music. Case in point: Punctuation. We've already explored the bizarre use of exclamation points in our Pop Culture Faceoff between Panic! At The Disco and 3Oh!3. But there are far more just plain weird uses of punctuation out there.

ARTISTS
P!NK
Originally implemented as a way to say, "Look, I stand out because of my pink hair/Look, I stand out because of my exclamation I," Pink (who is no longer pink) used the switch on album covers. It never caught on completely, though. iTunes lists her as P!nk, Wikipedia lists her as Pink, VH1.com lists her as P!nk, and even her own website can't commit, as one post lists her as Pink and the next as P!nk.

(hed) p.e.
So, the p.e. stands for Planet Earth, but we're not really sure as to why it's all lowercase, and what purpose the parentheses serve. But one thing we do know: Nobody listens to (hed) p.e.

!!!
How do you pronounce a name with no letters? Here's an official statement from the band (seriously): "!!! is pronounced by repeating thrice any monosyllabic sound. Chk Chk Chk is the most common pronunciation, but they could just as easily be called Pow Pow Pow, Bam Bam Bam, Uh Uh Uh, etc." They were inspired by watching the movie The Gods Must Be Crazy, wherein the Bushmen's clicking sounds were subtitled as !!!. Dance-punk bands can get away with the most ridiculous bullshit.

...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead
Ok, I'll be honest. Their music isn't that bad. The name's somewhat pretentious, and they're listed as an "art rock" band, but they can sort-of back it up with music that stands out amongst a sea of Shinedown.

N.E.R.D.
One of the most under-appreciated bands out there, N.E.R.D. consists of The Neptunes and Another Dude, and they've consistently made some of the most interesting hip-hop of any group in the musical scope. Don't believe me? Check out "Lap Dance", "Anti-Matter," and "Everybody Nose." DO IT.

*NSync/B*Witched
The late 90's attack of the asterisk was brilliantly spoofed at the MTV Movie Awards, where *NSYNC suited up as astronauts to stop the B*Witched mark from slamming into the Earth. A great premise in the logo world because *NSYNC was actually written with a star instead of an asterisk. But the only way to access a star in typing is through Wingdings, so *NSYNC it is. And for the record, N*SYNC is wrong. Oh, and did anyone ever even hear a B*Witched song?


ALBUM TITLES
Fiona Apple - When The Pawn...
Fiona Apple made a name for herself in the 90's as "that girl that's laying all over the floor in that video." She tried to stay in the conscious eye with her album that is often abbreviated When The Pawn.... Why on Earth would an album title be abbreviated? Because the full title is 90 words long. Here it is: When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king what he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight and he'll win the whole thing 'fore he enters the ring there's no body to batter when your mind is your might so when you go solo, you hold your own hand and remember that depth is the greatest of heights and if you know where you stand, then you know where to land and if you fall it won't matter, cuz you'll know that you're right.

Chumbawamba - The Boy Bands Have Won...
Oh? There's another abbreviated album title? Oh! And it's the longest title yet? Oh?! It's from Chumbawamba? "Tubthumping" Chumbwamba? The Boy Bands Have Won, and All The Copyists and The Tribute Bands and The TV Talent Show Producers Have Won, If We Allow Our Culture To Be Shaped By Mimicry, Whether From Lack Of Ideas Or From Exaggerated Respect. You Should Never Try To Freeze Culture. What You Can Do Is Recycle That Culture. Take Your Older Brother’s Hand-Me-Down Jacket and Re-Style It, Re-Fashion It to the Point Where It Becomes Your Own. But Don’t Just Regurgitate Creative History, Or Hold Art And Music And Literature As Fixed, Untouchable And Kept Under Glass. The People Who Try To ‘Guard’ Any Particular Form Of Music Are, Like The Copyists And Manufactured Bands, Doing It The Worst Disservice, Because The Only Thing That You Can Do To Music That Will Damage It Is Not Change It, Not Make It Your Own. Because Then It Dies, Then It’s Over, Then It’s Done, and The Boy Bands Have Won. Well, that was enlightening. Now shut the fuck up about boy bands and get back to thumping tubs.

Cobra Starship - ¡Viva La Cobra!
The 2nd album from the now-on-MTV Cobra Starship is their finest, encapsulating their sound and sass into amazing party-pop songs. The title, which was partially inspired by the Gym Class Heroes song "Viva La White Girl," is shades better than what they were originally going to go with (If The World Is Ending, We're Throwing The Party). You don't see the upside down exclamation mark in album titles that often.

Jason Mraz - Mr. A-Z/We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.
Jason Mraz uses punctuation like it's nobody's business. Two of his three studio LP's have had punctuation in their titles. His wordplay-heavy 2nd album, Mr. A-Z, not only had two different marks, but three songs on the album included them as well (Did You Get My Message?, Mr. Curiosity, & O. Lover). He's obviously a fan of words and their system of use, but he uses marks sparingly so as to make tracks stand out, such as in O. Lover where it sounds like an exclamation ("Oh, lover!"), but does in fact stand for (spoiler) "Opportunistic Lover", which isn't revealed until the end of the song. (end spoiler)


SONGS
Panic! At The Disco - That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)
This is simply one entry in a very, very long list of songs that use parentheses to make it easier for people to connect a song to its title. This song in particular makes no mention of a green gentleman, but does use "Things have changed" to lead into the chorus. Parentheses let a musician be creative with the title (Seriously, who the hell is that green gentleman?), while still giving the song a title that makes sense.

Weezer - (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To
In this case, Weezer took the opposite approach. There is really no need for the parenthetical section in the title of their newest single, but it does something different from other titles. The song is meant as a hearkening back to the early days of Weezer, and is supposed to be awkward. Adding the parentheses does nothing for the content of the song (as the Panic! song does), but does change the overall tone.

Outkast - Hey Ya!
Everyone (and literally, their mom) knew this song when it was released 5 years ago. It made Outkast a household name, and Andre3000 reportedly hates it now. The exclamation point on the end of the song does exactly what it should. Without it, it would have just been two words and two words only. Adding the point makes it exciting, which is exactly what Hey Ya! is. There are times when punctuation is perfectly appropriate. This is one of those times.

BOOKMARKS

This month...
TANKA
(5, 7, 5, 7, 7)


Johnny Hiro
Fred Chao

(Half Asian, All Hiro by Donald Quist)

Johnny Hiro fights
for more than he offers her,
dodging peril he
serves ronin and big lizards,
waiting on tables and luck.


Killing Yourself To Live
Chuck Klosterman
(Wreckage by Justin Johnson)
Chuck's on a journey,
Looking for music's last breaths.
Two-point-five weeks of
Death, love, driving, drugs, music,
And pop culture: Fantastic.


Into The Wild
Jon Krakauer(Wild Man by Nick Hilbourn)
Rich kid flees good life;
Adventurous man to wild
Dies during his quest.
It is a hero's journey
You feel deep within your soul.

EDITOR'S NOTE

Punkshoe8tion
by Donald E. W. Quist

My verbosity was apparent from the early age of ten.
Aspirations of crafting freely, living/breathing through my pen.
Though my concepts were exceptional and my dialogue a delight,
I struggled with punctuation, commas drifting out of sight.

No comprehension for the colon, peck at ;'s like a hen.
Capitalization instead of !exclamation! to show emphasis, no zen.
Parentheses were Greek to me, brace and bracket I'd yet to fathom.
I’d tiptoe through a thesis, slashing dashes, quotes and hyphen.

8 years later I had had enough, I would nix my indifference.
My frustration with punctuation could be bested with commitment.
Off to college, gain some knowledge, to relearn the base and basics;
My stories no longer confined to a stream of declarative statements.

Jack runs -PERIOD-Jack is scared-PERIOD-Jack fell down-PERIOD-Jack is afraid.
With just a little more attention rounded characters could be made.

With ellipsis and apostrophes I could give my Jack a voice.
No more questions on direction, God had issued me a choice,
“Do it better or not at all. Are you a procrastinator or creator?”
“I choose action not distraction, navigating Jack through paper!”
Punctuation is a trusted tool enhancing speech, connection,
an author's necessity, gently aiding me in written communication.

PUNCTUANIMALS

A September Special! Punctuation that looks like animals!











WOW! PUNCTUANIMALS! THAT SURE IS A WEIRD ZOO!
Be sure to stop back by next month for a new Special Feature!

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

Semicolons


Against:
Kurt Vonnegut

Do not use semicolons.
They are transvestite hermaphrodites, standing for absolutely nothing. What are they good for? What are you supposed to do with them?
You're reading along, and then suddenly, there it is.
What does it mean?
All semicolons do is suggest you've been to college.



For:
Lewis Thomas

I have grown fond of semicolons in recent years.
The semicolon tells you that there is still some question
about the preceding full sentence.









Kurt Vonnegut was an American writer best known for his use of humor and science fiction to create novels of social commentary on post-WWII America. Lewis Thomas was an American writer best known for his science writing, most specifically that related to the human cell.
Both had intense feelings regarding punctation.

EDITOR'S NOTE

Who Gives A Fuck About An Oxford Comma?
by Justin Johnson

One of my favorite albums is Vampire Weekend's self-titled debut. Track two is an amazing song called "Oxford Comma," and the first line is, Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma? The song's a bit hard to follow, and really, the only part about the comma is the hook. But it's one of the most memorable hooks I've ever heard.

Onto the point: Who does give a fuck about an Oxford comma? The Oxford comma is a punctuation mark for list-makers, capping a list just before the and and final entry. Some use it, some don't. It doesn't really matter who uses it, or if you do. The fact that it even exists is what matters. The Oxford Comma is what matters; not its users.

We have a world full of punctuation, and we're slowly abandoning it. It's becoming widespread; it's not just the Internet that is forgetting about what punctuation is (and let's be honest, the Internet is to blame here). Oxford commas are just one of the many, many marks that are slipping away, tossed aside as marginal.

The frequent misuse of your and you're is probably the most troubling, followed closely by the abuse of apostrophes in it's and its. As a society, we've reached a level of complacency with the destruction of the system of the English language, so much to the point that we rarely correct an error when someone misuses a mark. In the same vein, points of ellipses are becoming abused and stretched so much that when they're used properly, they no longer have their original effect. I know that I for one am guilty of not using question marks when I ask a question on AIM. I'm working on that.

There is no real way to fix this problem beyond everyone taking the time to look at what they're writing. We've even reached the point that we're typing what we're thinking, but our hands can't keep up. This results in the elimination of entire words. We've become a society obsessed with convenience and speed, and are neglecting the smaller, important parts of our lives. By neglecting what we've been taught, we're confirming the belief that we are lazy and unfocused. We're smarter than this. We evolved into what we are for a reason. Forgetting what we've learned is simply stepping backwards. The next thing we know we'll be grunting and clapping our hands because of fire.

THE PEANUT BUTTER KID'S SCIENCE CORNER

Hi!!!

Today is Thursday, and today we're gonna be talkin' about Science! Because it's my Science Corner, and in this corner, ding ding ding, is the PEEAANUTTTT BUTTTTTTERRRR KIDDDDD!!!

I'm a boxer.

I was listenin' to Mom the other day when I was in the Time-Out Chair, and she was talkin' on the phone to Aunt Carla. Aunt Carla's got a new boyfriend, and I think they're gonna get married, 'cuz Mom was yellin' a lot and smiling. I think she cried, too. I saw Kleenex in the trash can, like the ones when Dad doesn't come in till late. But she was askin' all these things about a ring, and then she was talkin' about carrots. When she saw me lookin' she said I could go play, so I went to Kevin's room. He's my big brother, and sometimes he yells at me when I push buttons on his Xbox, but he's nice most times. So Kevin says, "Aunt Carla's gettin' married? Aw man, that means we gotta get dressed up and eat little food." Kevin got choked on a pimento cheese sammich at our cousin's wedding last summer. I just thought it was yucky.

I asked Kevin why Aunt Carla's boyfriend gave her carrots, and he said "God, you're so stupid. She didn't get carrots like rabbits eat. He gave her a ring. They're carats. That's how big a ring is. They tell by how many carats it is."

He flicked a booger at me. He missed me. I left his room and went back to where Mom was in the kitchen. She wasn't talkin' on the phone anymore. She was just standin' there lookin' at her hand. I said, "Hey Mom, how many carrots did Dad give you?" She said, "Plenty," and went to her room.

I waited 'til Dad came home. His shirt was undone when he got in. "Hey buddy!" He says that to me all the days he comes home. I like it. "Dad, how many carrots did Mom get in her ring?" I said. He said, "Well buddy, she got one. We couldn't afford much more, since we were planning for Kevin's arrival. What's got you talking about carats?" "Mom was talking to Aunt Carla, and her boyfriend's giving her carrots too. I think a bunch." He got real sad looking. "Well, let's just be happy for Aunt Carla then!" He smiled at me and said, "Carats are the measurement used in weighing diamonds. One carat is equal to 200 milligrams, or .2 grams. The word "carat" comes from the carob bean, which is how they used to weigh gemstones in the past. We also use karats, with a K, to measure the purity of gold. And - guess what, there's even a symbol on a computer keyboard called a carat. It's just above the six. It looks like the top part of an arrow pointing up. We use that symbol in math, to show an exponent's use. Wow, son, you look bored. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ramble. But hey, now you know what all the uses of carats are!" Then he laughed and looked at the floor. "I'd better go talk to your mother."

There's four different carrots? Grown-ups are weird.

See you next time on
SCIEEENNNNNNNNNNCE CORRRRNNNERRRRRRRR!!!

SURVIVAL TIPS

Colonoscopy










with Katie Couric

Good evening. I hope you don't mind that I brought along my camera crew. I don't imagine that it's too invasive, but it's important that the American people see how essential colonoscopies are. I had mine done, yet I don't think the response was quite high enough. How nice of you to agree to this.

Your doctor? Don't worry. He's perfectly fine with this. He gave me a quick run through of the procedure and how everything is to be carried out. Especially the tools. I must say that I'm quite elated to be using a colonoscope on someone else for a change. It is quite an impressive instrument. 48 inches long and over a 1/2 inch in diameter. There's also this tiny camera on the end. Of course, that's too small for news coverage, so we...I mean, I've taken the liberty of attaching something a bit larger: my daughter's Sony Cybershot with 10 megapixels and 6X Optical Zoom.

I hope you took time to do prep for this colonoscope. Personally, I spent an entire week before my colonoscopy on a strict water diet. Literally, my colon was so clean you could eat off it. I see yours is...okay. You've got a bit of fecal matter near the outer rim. Can all the people at home see this? Fecal matter. All right now it's time for the anesthetic. This is actually my favorite part. You should start to feel a bit drowsy, a bit like you're drunk. I'm a bit nervous so I think I'll take a hit as well. Oh my...I've forgotten how good this feels. Are you feeling it yet? No? Well, I actually had some before I came, so...anyway, I'm sure it'll kick in. Okay, in we go!

You're squirmy. Can someone in the crew hold the arms and legs down? Thank you. You wouldn't want me to mess up and shove this up too far now would you? Hold still so I can see your polyps. I bet you've got some. Sorry...that was a bit rude, but it's hard to hold things back when you're on this stuff... Hey, world! I bet you won't see Diane Sawyer doing crack reporting like this. Oh yeah, this is another Emmy for sure - QUIT SQUIRMING! Do I have to karate chop you? Jeez, finally. The stuff must be kicking in. Isn't it nice?

Now, we're looking for polyps...well, there's one! Oh wait, I think that's something else. Did you eat a finger? Man, this stuff does a number on your vision. Everything's so blurry, but I'm cool. Hold on. I'm going to put it in farther...WHOA! It's, like, you've got a hundred polyps in there. Wow. You're gonna die, like, super-soon.

Snap out of it, Couric. You're a journalist. You can do this. Just like an interview. Keep the patient calm and ask the tough questions...okay...easy...

So...what do you read? How do you keep informed?
Why are you yelling so much? Just answer my question! STOP SQUIRMING! You are making this SO difficult. Someone hold down the head. Answer the questions! WHAT DO YOU READ? NEW YORK TIMES? WASHINGTON POST? COME ON! LET THE PEOPLE KNOW!

Wait, who's that? Damn, it's the doctor! Quick, everybody scram - and grab some of that anesthetic before you leave!

EDITOR'S NOTE

What Punctuation Means To Me
by Nick Hilbourn

Punctuation is broader than language to me. It is the desire within us to create and destroy boundaries, define our thoughts as well as each other. A comma isn't just a comma, but a hint that there is more to come. A period isn't just a period. It means the indisputable end.

I thought about this Saturday. I was walking through Manhattan in New York City and every block I saw either Starbucks or Bank of America. The first three blocks it was funny, but by the tenth, eleventh and twelfth blocks it was intriguing. Manhattan itself is like a long run-on sentence and these two businesses seemed like commas extending its verbal run indefinitely.

Yet, I saw no periods.

The presence of a bank and a coffee shop seemed symbolic punctuation marks for the city. They are both symbols of motion without termination. Starbucks supplies endless energy through the medium of continuous caffeine consumption and Bank of America supplies endless monetary power through strategically-placed ATMs for never-ending consumerism.

As it is, I've always had trouble with commas, using them without caution and extending my sentences to absurd lengths.

I wondered, as I walked through the runniest of run-on cities in the world, if we have done the same thing. After all, the problem with a run-on sentence is that one loses the subject (and therefore, the meaning) of the sentence in the jumbled mass of written speech. Ironically, commas only further complicate things; they are a promotion of endless expansion.

I don't think this idea comes from the vagaries of thought spurned by sugar or caffeine. Punctuation, I think, is not as abstract as we think it is. It is much deeper than strange symbols we whimsically notch behind certain words and phrases; they are symbols of a desire inherent within our written speech. If periods, commas and semicolons are meaningless than so are the letters around which they position themselves. So, then, is written language.

Punctuation rules exist, but I wonder if people care about them. Do they see them as essential to meaning? Can they be dispensed with?

Or, do they feel they're just necessary placeholders giving the illusion that there is a control on everything so we don't feel guilty for allowing careless, ruthless expansion? Is punctuation a denial of our responsibility to stop ourselves when we've gone too far?