RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB

Welcome again to ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club where we invite a very special guests to come share some of their favorite dishes. This month: Authors of The Elements of Style and champions of all things punctuation, William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White, will show you the finer points of making an Apple Ham Sandwich.

WHITE:
Hi, I’m E.B.White, I wrote Charlotte’s Web and today my old friend Strunk and I are going to show you how to make an Ap…

STRUNK:
…AMPERSANDWICH!

What are you going on about now, Strunk?

I said an Ampersandwich, you dullard. Remember, what those young men at ERGO told us. We must keep our entry about punctuation. As this is the punctuation issue, accordingly, we should make sure that our recipe is committed to the same theme, ergo, i.e., we are not instructing visitors how to prepare an Apple Ham Sandwich but an Ampersandwich.

That is morose. I believed an Ampersand to be a general type of typography.

Ah, you, White, are a buffoon.

Ingredients: (Serves Four)

• 1/3 cup creamy Dijon mustard
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 8 slices 7-grain bread, you may substitute whole wheat bread
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/2 pound sliced deli ham, you may substitute turkey breast
• 1 apple, cored and thinly sliced

Directions:

• In a small bowl combine creamy Dijon mustard and honey. Spread on one side of each slice of bread.

Now the unskillful Ampersandwich preparer often violates this principle. One cannot slap a piece of ham naked on bread and call it an Ampersandwich. True, an Ampersandwich can vary in expression, but one must understand that, like punctuation, the best Ampersandwich is prepared by someone that doesn’t express a blatant disregard for the rules. One needs a proper condiment.

You are pathetic, Strunk.

My objections are, first, that your measures are often unjust; second, that they are unconstitutional.

You are a pompous ass of a man.

And your writing is drivel.

• Layer cheese on half the bread slices, top with ham, thin slices of apple and remaining bread.

Charlotte's Web is beloved by millions…

(cough)...millions of idiots...(cough)
Close the Ampersandwich like one would enclose a parenthetic expression between commas.

IT IS A MASTERPIECE THAT TEACHES CHILDREN ABOUT LOVE AND LOSS!

Please, White, it is a pile of drivel told in passive voice. I could have eaten a bowl of Alphabet Cereal and shat a better novel. What type of masterpiece is presented with a verbose spider and a dancing pig?

• To serve, cut sandwiches in half.

I have had enough of your condemnation, Strunk, and your distaste for everything that doesn’t fit into your perception of what is good and fair. People love my work.

People with no taste.

You have no taste!

That's impossible. I hate Charlotte's Web, so how can I have no taste?

You're despicable.

…did you know people believe you to be a woman? Elizabeth Betty White, Eloise Betsy White.

I loathe you. You turn a task as simple as making a sandwich and muck it up with useless rhetoric?

…AMPERSANDWICH!

Come see us next month for another delicious dish from another celebrity guest star, only at ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club.