REJECTED IDEAS

BIT LIT
"Garrison Keillor's Prairie Home Punch-Out!"

THE LOST PAGES
Aristotle: "What in the hell is a Ray-dee-o?"

RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB
Whipped Cream Boobs with Howard Stern

OUTSIDE INFORMATION
Trees: WTF?

FOURTHOUGHT
Best Static

POP CULTURE FACEOFF
Orson Welles vs. H.G. Wells
Key Difference: One of them is dead...oh wait.






Told ya both of them was dead.

WHY YOU SHOULD

Tonight we debut "Why You Should," our monthly advice article.

WHY YOU SHOULD
FORGET ABOUT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

We live in an era of inter-connectivity. People that were once long-lost until the mandatory 10-year reunion are now just a click away, either through MySpace or Facebook. Where you used to not see someone for years, wondering how they were doing, what they were up to, etc., now you can just log on, click their name, and see for yourself. Gone are the days of "Wow, you gained weight," or, "Wow, you look great!," because there is no surprise; you've watched it happen, through pictures and status posts. If someone ran off and got married, you didn't have to wait to find out. They told you the day after, in their status message. You can actually find out even more about people that you probably never knew before, such as religious beliefs, political leanings, and which Twilight character they're most like. You get to see sides to people you never thought existed, but because the internet provides a false sense of anonymity, people are more honest and personal than in person. So a High School Reunion in today's world is a moot point, because the point of reunions is to catch up. Social networks took care of that. So write on the walls of your senior class officers and let them know they're off the hook. And remind them to un-reserve the gymnasium.

OUTSIDE INFORMATION

How We Speak
by Justin Johnson

The Oxford University Press is the definitive source for the English language. Compiling over one billion words, the Press has a system of word roots and extensions, called "lemmas." The example they present is: "...climbs, climbing, and climbed are counted as examples of the lemma climb." They also note that 10 of the lemmas they record also account for 25% of the words used in the English language. If this is so, then there must be a huge number of words that are unrelated to those ten, correct?

Not quite. Oxford lists the 100 most commonly used words in the English language, and, not surprisingly, many of them tie into those 10 lemmas. This revelation is easy to grasp, due to the fact that a quarter of our words are related to those lemmas. But there are some other conclusions that can be drawn.

(1) the / (2) be / (3) to / (4) of / (5) and
(6) a / (7) in / (8) that / (9) have / (10) I
The top 10 most commonly used words in the English language are, naturally, the 10 basic lemmas previously mentioned. Just to reiterate, 25% of the over one billion words are built from these 10 words. That's roughly 250,000,000 words.

(8) that / (21) this
It's interesting to consider the fact that that is located in the top 10, while this sits at 21. The human experience requires a certain attention to self, including the need for protection. Man is programmed to attempt to survive, and this point is illustrated in the relationship between that and this. Using this requires the speaker to take accountability (i.e. "I did this"), while that is a way of passing off blame (as in "that's not my fault."). Also, that allows us a certain freedom that this forfeits. This is a specific object; that is vague, and has no specific purpose unless that identifies a noun. We are not required to know all of the information if we are allowed a window of error.

(5) and / (22) but / (31) or
"Conjunction Junction" taught of the three basic conjunctions and, but, and or. These related words are used to join statements together, either in a unifying or dividing manner. And provides a backup to the previous statement, but offers a difference, and or leaves another option. Each are useful, but as Americans, are we creating a system in which more is better? But seems to be the nagging in the back of the mind ("I should do this, but..."), and or is an escape route ("I could do this, or..."). However, and creates a double-up situation, where one decision is increased ("I could get this, and..."). It's "Have your cake and eat it too" all over again, where a person gets rewarded for making a decision. Fast-food upsizing, two-for-one sales, and infomercial free gifts all follow the principles of and. And is a consumer-based economy's best friend, which is probably why it's so much higher than its conjoining brethren.

(7) in / (43) out
In a society constantly obsessed with what's currently popular or trending, it's only natural that in would occur more often than out. Nobody wants to be on the outside. The odd thing is that what was recently out is currently in. Goth fashion, the emo haircut, gamers, these were all shunned in normal society until recently. In fact, the gay lifestyle has also been accepted, and this was considered the most out of the out; it's even called out. So, in thinking this way, it's really somewhat shocking that in and out aren't closer together on the list. Out still isn't in.

(14) on / (XX) off
We live in a powerful world. Everything is always on. Cities never sleep. We constantly need stimulation. We always have a connection through some means of electronic signal. If we're not on, we're not efficient. If we're off, we waste our potential, and the more on we are, the better. Online, on our game, on point, on task, on a roll. There is no off.

(16) he / (23) his / (29) her / (30) she
America has been fighting this battle for some time now, especially since the Suffrage movement. A society dominated by males has slowly been working toward a more evenly matched dichotomy, but the vocabulary is still centered on masculinity. He is the 16th most-used word, while she falls in at 29, more than twice the distance away. Possessively, the balance is close, but the man is still higher. Could this still be a system where the male is given priority due to history? It is widely said that the Founding Fathers were the reason for America's prosperity, but there is no way that women played no role above sewing the flag.

(38) there / (39) their
Two of the most unfortunate words in the existence of language are two of the most sporadically used, randomly interchanged words that really have nothing to do with each other. An easy illustration of the breakdown of modern language, there and their are so often misused that they've begun to lose all meaning whatsoever, mere pieces of their original meanings (one a direction, one a possession). Netspeak can be partially to blame for this, as carelessness is almost encouraged online, but it really says more about us as a people when two words are allowed a free pass just because they sound alike. It's also suspicious that their positions are adjacent, as one is used (and misused) as often as the other.

(42) up / (XX) down
During a recession, things can center on the negative. When the dollar is down, so are spirits. Naturally, talk seems to either be why things are bad, or when things will improve. Here is where up comes into play. Anytime the market is down, the only (realistic) way for it to go is up. Knowing this, we begin to think in terms of up, and wonder when things will improve. We are almost forced into positive thinking, because that's how our human nature works. We have to think about up, because that's the only way we'll stay afloat. Down isn't an option.

(46) who / (40) what / (XX) where
(51) when / (XX) why / (85) how
In journalism, there is a standard. It was once the 5 W's of getting answers, asking the questions, who, what, where, when, and why. How was later included. We are supposed to ask all six of these questions to form the full story. Odd, then, that they're not all on the list. Where and why have taken a backseat to the others. It seems that in our world of immediate availability, some details get left out, as if they're not as important. The who, what, when, and how give us immediate details that we can process quickly and move forward. Where and why don't seem to be quite as important when broken down in this manner. The motive and location mean less to us than what happened to who.

(47) get / (54) like / (60) take / (65) good / (83) use
(88) first / (92) new / (93) want / (99) most
We have an obsession with having the biggest and best; the newer an item, the better it is. So that makes the inclusion of these nine words no surprise. All related to products and quality, it's obvious what's important to a consumer-based society.

(64) your / (XX) you're
(71) than / (72) then
Two interchangeable mysteries. Your and you're have forever been swapped in and out, due to the homophone syndrome (see there/their for more). They were once frequently switched, due to either carelessness or ignorance, but you're is not in the top 100. This can be attributed to texting and online language, as your has become the steady replacement. Your is used so often that you're is beginning to not exist, even outside of the internet. Proper usage of words is falling at a rapid rate, as evidenced in the relationship between these two words. However, a more alarming situation is occurring. Somehow, than and then are being interchanged, even though they are not homophones. They really have nothing to do with each other, further backing up the thought that it's not ignorance that's causing these words to swap: it's carelessness. There is a considerable lack or attention to little details (such as spelling) on the internet, and, as previously stated, this lack of attention is causing the breakdown of modern language. Simply typing something closely enough doesn't make it correct. This is happening too often. Another strange note: Their positions are side-by-side in the list. As also evidenced in...

(77) its / (78) over

HUMAN VS.

Human vs. Boombox














The boombox is eternally linked to the image of hip hop. The archetypal inner city man a la sideways/backwards cap and baggy clothing with a stereo draped over one shoulder as he struts through his neighborhood is the first image to pop up when the word "boombox" is mentioned. As closely as this object has been associated with a powerful cultural movement, how close is it to humanity in general?

To answer the question may require a bit of backpedaling.

Before there was treble, bass and "D" batteries, there was a mouth, a voice and a beat.














Beatboxers, although their beginnings appear to be in the '80s with Doug E. Fresh and Buffy of The Fat Boys, have been around since the late 19th century in one form or another. Blues and jazz riffs were created with vocal percussion by African Americans with no drums or bass, just their own bodies as instruments. Claps, clicks and low bass hums were some of the vocal maneuvers used to create music sans instruments. This evolved into street performers and, inevitably, paired up with hip hop musicians, DJs and break-dancers as the urban movement moved out of the inner city and inundated America.

The boombox followed a similar path as it broke ground as the first portable music playing device.

A boombox is a device capable of playing music at a high volume, utilizing at least two speakers. It has, at least, a cassette tape player and AM/FM radio. Boomboxes have been, for the most part, light weight. This has led to the aforementioned trend of carrying it upon one's shoulders. The most important aspect of the boombox has been accessibility. Its selling point has always been its portable nature. Snazzy design came later. Input/output jacks, allowing the boombox to connect to larger systems, added extra flair.

Because the boombox is so intricately tied to a social movement, the boombox must be evaluated in relation to the social movement. One must first look at the social movement inspired and then evaluate the boombox's relation to said movement.

Hip-hop is a social movement that encompasses much more than music, but one in which music is a ubiquitous force which fluidity unites all differing aspects within the movement. Hip-hop begins in cities in predominantly African American communities with little money and lot of talent, but no venues open to them to express themselves. As society was still skeptical of the social worth of African American contributions (though that had never prevented them from aggregating their talents in the past), black culture became inclusive and developed within the communities, most specifically the "block party." Block parties required music and music required more than a small radio and more accessibility than a home stereo system could provide. And someone needed to MC it all.

So, DJs were born.

Entertainment was needed, so dancing evolved into break-dancing.
While high fashion turned their noses up to or simply ignored the desires of inner city blacks, hip hop took a cue from what was around and what attracted the eye: bright colors and swirling shapes (some of it hinting at African roots in the brilliance of many of the colors and designs).

Beatboxing was another element of hip hop which emerged from this movement.

There were times when there wasn't money to afford a speaker system or individuals available who would lend one. Improvisation was needed. Beatboxing took sound and homegrown culture and made it intensely portable: the human being.

The boombox followed suit. As beatboxing could be brought to street corners and subways, so could boomboxes. And boomboxes (just as beatboxers) carried a bravado inherent within their existence. A boombox's efflorescence was rhythm, sound, voice, beat. Both the boombox and the beatbox changed a social situation entirely. It wasn't Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers by any means, but when the beat hit people became different creations. They were no longer wandering souls in the ghettos of the world, but individuals with purpose and desires.

To grow up to be a break-dancer or MC or even beatboxer was to have direction. If society wanted to push people down and snatch away opportunity, then they could have it. The hip hop movement had created its own separate opportunities.

The portability of the boombox was one thing, but the pride with which it was carried on one's shoulder was another.

As a talented beatboxer exhibited pride in his (it was usually a his) skill, so he wore his own boombox invisibly on his shoulder (there are other, far more cheesier things to say, like, 'A boombox within his heart'). Beatboxing and boomboxing also exhibited a surprising malleability as they were both easy to adapt to other styles of music from hip to blues to jazz. As much as a tune of the radio dial could do for a boombox. Verses could be improvised, but poetry could also be read. So, the first slam poetry was a couple of folks doing the "dozens" outside of their apartment or by a local store. It was also verses that could be written, much like the tape players on even the earliest models of the boombox which featured an optional "record" button.

Beatboxing and boomboxes both symbolize an important aspect of humanity: progress. While many beasts of field, air and ocean follow patterns established for eons, humans constantly work to improve themselves. In this case, beatboxing is an example of a group of humans establishing an alternative high society; one based on rhythm and style with music undulating beneath it all. When looked at form this perspective, it's easy to see why the boombox was not only an important image for the hip hop movement, but an essential symbol of the indefatigable nature of human beings. Regardless of circumstances, nature will continue and progress will happen, whether we're listening or not.

RADIO SPOTTING

The Lonely Island - "Boombox"

POP ROOTS

Radio Killed The Radio Star
DJs and the changing face of radio

There was a time when the entire family gathered around the radio to listen to a story or laugh at a comic diatribe or tune in for the news. Radio was a cultural event much like that of the television. Except radio was and is different and not just in the audio sense.
There's a difference between a story fed to you in aural and visual form and a story told to you wherein you must provide the imagination that creates the visual. The voices are there, but the characters are still in your head.
Radio personalities such as Orson Welles and Milton Berle, and programs like "Grand Ole Opry" and the "Adventures of Superman," have been pushed to margins of society, reserved in bins labeled NPR and AM Radio. These types of radio broadcasts have also been eclipsed by the much more convenient podcasts (at least convenient for those with iPods).
One thing in particular though, has taken a considerable backseat: radio DJs.

As a new medium at the beginning of the twentieth century, radio quickly searched for and found voices to be the foundation that solidified the new technology for listeners. Actors from the silver screen were prime picks to be voices as well as popular bandleaders and singers. A kaleidoscope of individuals echoed through a nation's ears, but with the proliferation of television in the 1950s the medium quickly reverted to music and information. The role of announcer, formerly a marginal role in a radio program, became essential for the structure of radio. Story lines evolved into extended monologues wherein namedropping was the key to information. To compete with the obvious advantages of television, radio DJs needed to have not just heavy musical ammunition but also a personality that wrapped about listeners' ears and pulled them back again and again. Personalities such as Wolfman Jack and Alan Freed were not just noise on the squawk-box; they were change. During the civil rights African-American DJs played an important role in spreading African-American culture through music and DJs playing top singles with anti-war messages were strong propagators of the movement against the Vietnam War.

Not to mention the fact that radios remained the most intimate form of communication. Despite the brilliance of television, people listened to radios as they fell asleep and radio DJs were the whispers in their midnight ears.

Movies such as Airheads, Good Morning, Vietnam and Jakob The Liar showcased the power of a DJ's voice in making or breaking a band, as well as how a simple voice can change everything, even the darkest of worlds.

With the washout that was the 1970s, society seemed less accepting of titans of social consciousness and more in the mood for audio schwag: shock artists such as Howard Stern, political blowhards such as Rush Limbaugh and countless new age DJs who operated on the sole mantra of "the more marginal the program, the better", which usually ended up being an excuse to be snobby. Radio DJs were pop art, more utilitarian than anything. By the 1990s, they were breakfast muzak; voices with snazzy nick names that played hit singles commanded by powerful record companies until the CD burst into flames.

Currently,the DJ, as Nietzsche might say, was dead. People wanted no more social leaders, but rather social kitsch to splash against their ear drums and forget once they walked out the door. Attempted revivals of old-time radio such as Prairie Home Companion seem so quaint because they are remnants of a slower time when the focus was on storylines with music not as a separate entity pounded down the canals of listeners with the periodic thunder of ads but itself seamlessly woven into the fabric of the show. The ads, music and DJ were all part of the experience.

These days people don't seem to want that, at least the majority of them don't. DJs are unnecessary in today's society; a tired vestigal organ of nostalgia and habit. The popularity Yahoo! Music, Pandora Radio and the ilk are proof of that: DJ-less internet radio stations play to the whim of the listener. The internet has made a single voice unimportant in a word where everyone can be an expert, where anyone can be a music divinity with their own playlists and stations.

Is this a bad thing?

It really depends upon which generation you are or which generation you'd like to be. Society seems bent on obliterating group consciousness even as the ultimate consciousness of the world wide web takes its seat of control and media outlets are catching on with like-wise oriented speech. Of course, the jargon they often throw around such as "post-racial" and "post-gender" are about as substantial as a Lehman Brothers stock share in a society where the majority assumes with each new era that much of its major problems have been solved there is no desire for single voices, leaders. It's a paradox of sorts: as society becomes ultra-individualistic it is developing a collective consciousness using technology as the common tool which links all individuals together and which every person on earth can agree with: we all think the internet is a great means of communication no matter how slow our connection is. The current trend radio is going through is just another representation of that.

Although a few radio voices remain, they are background fuzz for the ride to work or the breakfast Pop-Tart, but they have no substance and can't wrap about the ears of a culture that refuses to sit still for a moment.

Despite the continuous existence of war, poverty, hatred and inequality in the world, it seems there's just nothing to talk about anymore.

In that sense, maybe the only thing radio DJs can do is flip the switch over the listener, who will listen to what they want to listen to and hear what they want to hear. Everything has its place in time and maybe radio DJs can pray that this particular movement is playing on a loop.

SOUND WAVES

THIS MONTH ON SOUND WAVES:
THE BLACK EYED PEAS
And Why They're the Best Worst Band In America
An expose through music clips

BACKGROUND
Black Eyed Peas is a melting pot of personalities. Frontman will.i.am is African-American, singer Fergie is Caucasian (and former child actor and member of Wild Orchid), Taboo is of Latino descent, and apl.de.ap is a Filipino-American. The band has a wide variety of influence, which may add to their overall appeal.

HISTORY
They released two albums before the addition of Fergie in 2003; one single from each album made the radio, and despite critical acclaim, sales didn't take off. When the song "Where Is The Love?" was released, it scored the first success for the Black Eyed Peas (largely in part to an uncredited Justin Timberlake chorus). Since then, the Black Eyed Peas have become one of the biggest names in music, selling over 18 million albums.

STYLE
The Black Eyed Peas' music has never been complicated; there were never any claims made as to lyrical depth or complexity. They've made a career off of making simple and infectious music that spreads like wildfire. A sample chorus from one of their biggest hits, "My Humps":

THE BREAKDOWN
The Black Eyed Peas are the best worst band in America. Think of all the worst bands you can think of...need some help? Nickelback, Shinedown, Souljah Boy, Lady Gaga, etc. The Black Eyed Peas win. Not by value, or product; the Black Eyed Peas are the best at making bad music, and it's easy to see with their new album, The E.N.D. Here's why:

LYRICAL VAPIDITY
The Black Eyed Peas (BEP from here on out) seem to pride themselves on terrible lyrics. Gems from The E.N.D. include:
From "Electric City"

From "One Tribe"

From "Meet Me Halfway"

The content doesn't stop there. In the song "Now Generation," BEP attempts to create the "We Didn't Start The Fire" of the i-Age, and comes up with this:

TRICKERY
BEP may lack in the lyric department, but they seriously make up for it with infectious music, tricking the listener into . If The E.N.D. were a purely instrumental album, BEP would probably get a better response from critics. However, songs without words don't sell. Songs with great beats and words sell even more, and BEP knows this. That's why a song called "Imma Be" becomes a pleasure to listen to; it's the best track on the album:

APL.DE.AP
It's hard to say what exactly is Apl.De.Ap's purpose in the band. His delivery is stiff, and it feels like he's trying to hard to be hard. He speaks as if his mouth is wired shut, and has a definite lack of ability in crafting well-made rhymes. Aside from his "Meet Me Halfway" verse you just heard, here's another example, from "Showdown":

He also feels the need to mention his own name in every single verse he does. It seems as if BEP keeps him around to make the others look better.

THE CRUTCH
As introduced in last month's Outside Information (here), a crutch is a word or theme that reoccurs in an artist's body of work. On The E.N.D., that crutch is the word "rock." It appears 118 times on the album, which, coincidentally, is not a rock album. (On the same token, what was once "rock" is now played on "adult contemporary" stations, "alternative" has become "mainstream," "indie" is the new "alternative," and "underground" still sucks.)

YOUR MOM
BEP will stop at nothing to sell records, and that includes releasing their most catchy material, then making it available in heavy dosage to moms around the nation. Their song "Let's Get It Started" was put into NBA Finals ads, and most recently, "I Gotta Feeling" can be heard in Target ads, airing during every single show your mom watches. So now, your mom is a fan of BEP, thereby doubling their marketable audience.

THE KIDS
However, BEP may not be exactly what fans bargained for on this new album. How do you think the average American mom would react to hearing her favorite Fergie saying this?:

Also, it should be noted that BEP somehow avoided getting a Parental Advisory sticker on their album, even though the album is rife with language that some may find offensive, including the dreaded N-word.

MASS-MARKET
Because BEP know they can sell anything, they begin to stop trying. The previous clip from "Out Of My Head" illustrates a song that had no lyrics before Fergie went into the booth. The entire song sounds free-styled, as if they knew for a fact that all they had to do was say whatever came to their minds. On the song "Alive", the second verse is simply the first verse repeated by another member of the band.

AUTOTUNE
Yes, we get it. AutoTune is huge. Lil Wayne, Kanye West, Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty, it's everywhere. But this album takes it further, morphing voices, masking lyrics, and contributing to the general feeling of what-the-fuckery that pervades the entire disc. Just listen:

See? What-the-fuckery. (It should be noted that will.i.am's inspiration for this album was Australian club music.)

NEO-HIPPIE
The album also contains desperate pleas for change, as illustrated in the song "One Tribe" and a weird interlude about the economy that's damn near impossible to understand. What makes these efforts seem vapid is, for one, "One Tribe" is stupid, and two, it appears on the album not too long after the song "Ring-A-Ling," which features this chorus:

So any empowerment message is negated by their use of a 3rd-grader's anatomical term.

TO BE FAIR
To clear something up: This album is produced wonderfully. will.i.am's production values jumped up drastically, and the album is actually interesting to listen to; it's just the fact that it's schlock designed to sell records rather than make meaningful music. But that seems to be the current trend in the industry.

So there you have it. The Black Eyed Peas are the Best Worst band in America, because they have figured out how to sell millions of albums with the least amount of effort possible.

Also, The E.N.D. stands for The Energy Never Dies. The (far-superior) band N.E.R.D., which stands for No-one Ever Really Dies, should take some action.

BONES

by Donald E. Quist

RECIPE OF THE MONTH CLUB

Welcome again to the ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club where we invite a very special guest to come share one of their favorite dishes. This month: radio icon, Wolfman Jack is going to show us how to make Cola Burgers… What?

Knock-knock. OWhooooo’s there? It’s the wild man, Wolfman Jack, let me in or I’ll blow your mind down. Can you dig it? Now, listen up dummy. Sit right back fiends and friends as Jack gives you the odds and ends. These burgers are extra juicy, juicier than the naughty photos yo mama sent me. OWoooooo!

INGREDIENTS: (Serves Four)

• lb ground beef
• 1 egg yolk
• 3 fl oz. cola (preferably Coke)
  
• 1/2 cup bread crumbs
• 1/4 cup French salad dressing
• 2 tbs grated Parmesan cheese

Now, some people start skepticizing whenever I tell ‘em about my secret ingredient. I say, “Baby, Cola used in cooking all the time to give a sweet yet smoky flavor.” But they look at me like I’m as wily as a Chinamen. You need a little sweetness!

DIRECTIONS

• In a medium bowl, mix together the egg yolk, half of the cola, bread crumbs, half of the French dressing and Parmesan cheese. Crumble in the ground beef, and mix well. Form into 4 balls, and pat into 3/4 inch patties.

Sweetness, humph, that’s the problem with this new radio, no sweetness. Playin all those downer records starts to get you down, downer than a colored boy’s jeans. Give me something from 1960, let me get up again. The music of today is for downer freaks and I’m an upper.

• Pour the remaining cola and dressing into a small bowl, and mix well.

You’re going to set this aside for basting.

• Grill the burgers for about 3 minutes per side. Brush with the dressing and cola, then cook for another 3-4 minutes each side, basting occasionally.

And for all the pretty little lay-dees, looking a sweet as Sandra Dee, out there doing their job, whipping up food behind that stove, you can also fry these bad boys like Dee did her old man, Bobby Darin. You women know you ain’t got no business behind a grill. That’s a man’s work, darling. OWoooooooooo…

• Serve with burger buns and cheese slices.

That’s a sesame seed bun, if you have to ask then you don’t know Jack. You picking up my jive? I say, hay. And the cycle continues… Rackem-Lackem!

Thanks for sharing Jack! Come see us next month for another delicious dish from another celebrity guest star, only at ERGO Magazine’s Recipe of the Month Club.

THE LOST PAGES

The Importance of Being Caller Number Nine

According to Friedrich Nietzsche

It is often that the concept of caller number nine will gain disparagement from philosophers as a fruitless quest for a prize of questionable worth. Many Christian philosophers may also add that the idea of caller number nine is a selfish act reeking of ego and materialism.

It is in this case that I must praise caller number nine.

I find contradiction and often annoyance with those who speak against caller number nine as a pointless act of materialistic gain or an act which wastes time better spent performing some type of altruistic act. Against these people I argue on several points.

For those philosophers living as if God is dead, are not all things pointless? Is not the very act of breathing pointless according to this philosophy? Is not a particular distaste for the "worthlessness" of caller number nine the arrogant reflection of a personal morality rather than the objectivity seemingly advocated by this thought?

For those Christian philosophers living the "noble lie" of the masses, is not this simply disparaging their own thought dressed in different clothing? Does not Christian philosophy speak of a God who consistently commands praise (subsequently, requesting one to live in his image) and promises reward after death for remaining loyal to him while living? How is either method distinguished and why is one trivialized because it operates through a device of somewhat spiritual symbolism in itself (the radio, a box of "ghost voices")?

Negativity toward being caller number nine is negativity toward being human.

Should one sacrifice oneself for those with slower dialing fingers or reception of lesser clarity? Is not one being ruled by the weak in this case? And if this can be agreed upon, what is the purpose of allowing humanity to devolve by bowing to the weak? Would this not eventually return humans to our simian beginnings? And for what reason? Sympathy, empathy? And sacrifice the progress of the human race for those nature wishes to abort? Foolishness.

This thought falls short even among Christian philosophers.

Being caller number nine is a declaration of the continuing development of the human race. The caller of nine status or "Neunmensch" is man's natural progression to the state of "Superman". Prizes can never be considered trivial if they increase a man's collection greater than it was before. Whether they be concert tickets or a DVD of "Twilight", it is man improving man. This leads to what many thinkers call "selfishness", but in reality means a greater, better human society.

To be in opposition to the Neunmensch is to be in opposition to man, pure and simple.

RADIO SPOTTING

Regina Spektor - "On The Radio"

BIT LIT

A DILEMMA
An Editorial by Justin Johnson

I had a Radio-themed idea ready for this month's Bit Lit, but I have a more pressing concern.

I've been playing the game Pokemon Ranger: Shadows of Almia on the Nintendo DS for a few months now. It follows a pretty standard Pokemon theme (catch Pokemon, list Pokemon in database, use Pokemon in battle, get new Pokemon) to follow an admittedly interesting story while utilizing the DS's touch screen interface to add more action into the otherwise stale turn-based RPG series. It's a very well-made game, and is very deep to be seemingly aimed at kids. The dialogue is full of information and is downright funny in sections (a rarity in video games), and all in all it's a satisfying play.

That said, I've been kind of going through a bit of a dilemma with Shadows Of Almia. In the game, you enter a battle scenario with a Pokemon by pretty much bumping into it. (By the way, if you don't know what a Pokemon is, then where the fuck have you been?) When you start a battle, you draw circles around the Pokemon in order to "befriend" it (silly how they word it, I'll admit), while avoiding its attacks and powers. The circle can be broken or powered up as you draw, and once you completely "befriend" the Pokemon (or my preferred term, "dizzy into submission"), they join you as you explore.

Here's my dilemma.

In the Pokemon series (and any RPG for that matter), you can choose to not fight a battle at that moment, as long as it's not a necessary battle. That's what many people find most attractive about the series and other role-playing games in general: the fact that you can play at your own pace. If you encounter an enemy that is too strong, you can leave the battle, go away and level up elsewhere, then come back and kick his ass. The option to leave the battle in Shadows of Almia is represented by a button on the battle screen. It's in the lower left-hand corner of the image to the left. Tapping this button with the DS stylus will bring up this question:

Is it OK to flee?

The first time I saw it, it didn't really register. I was young in the game, and couldn't possibly hang with the Pokemon I had encountered. I just left, got the hell away, and came back stronger. It wasn't until I was playing through the game, breezing past weak enemies as I grew stronger and stronger, that I began to take notice. Before, when I needed to leave a battle due to strength limitations, of course it was OK. There's no need to die for no reason, is there? But as I began to take on small opponents just for the sake of gaining experience points, it began to hit me. Was it really OK to flee?

First of all, the use of the word flee troubles me. In other games, it's run or leave or even escape, and that's fine. But to flee? Fleeing is seen as something weak people do. Fleeing is what rabbits do. Fleeing is not what we as humans are programmed to do. Yes, fight or flight does take over at some point, but even flight is better than flee. So it's definitely a kick to the stomach when you can overpower your enemy easily, but because you'd rather move on, you're being told you're about to flee.

It really is a strange dilemma. Let's look at it in real world terms. Say you're out walking in a park. There's no one really around except a 7 year old boy. You walk by the boy, and out of nowhere he punches you in the stomach and begins hitting you more and more. Now, he is seven years old, so the punches don't hurt much at all, and you're spending your time really just fending off any blows that may glance against any personally special body parts. All in all, you're just blocking until he tires himself out. Now, you could:

A. Just let him wear himself down, or
B. Get away from the tiny sociopath.

If you pick A, you don't really get any reward. Maybe a muscle somewhere stretches a bit. That's it. If you pick B, however, just before you go to walk away, someone appears and says, "Hey wuss, you sure you wanna flee this attack?"

How the hell would that make you feel?

Precisely the basis of my dilemma. I know I shouldn't be picking on these weaker creatures just for a slight benefit, but dammit, if I leave the battle, I feel like a weaker creature. As if I'm doing myself an injustice for not enslaving this random-ass animal-thing to follow me around. I've tried to just brush it off, but every single time I'm left wondering: Is it really OK?

I'd like to pull us back into the real world for a moment. You're a Spartan. You're one of the 300. Is it OK to flee? You're Will Smith, and you've just discovered you're not alone. Is it OK to flee? You're a mom. It's the day after Thanksgiving and you're outside of Best Buy at 4:30 AM. Is it OK to flee? The answer to all of these questions is simply:

NO.

It is not OK to flee. If we fled every time something we didn't want to do came up, we'd go nowhere, we'd be nobodies, and we'd do nothing. It is not OK to flee. No, Pokemon Ranger: Shadows Of Almia, it is not, fucking OK, to flee. Thank you very much for making me feel like a chickenshit. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go beat up a seven year-old.

SURVIVAL TIPS

Grilling Safety with Don Imus

Summertime is perfect grilling weather. The sun's out, you're hot and there's nothing you want more than a nice juicy hot dog.
Yeah, a nice, long piece of meat.
Watch out!
You're gonna have to cook enough for the whole Rutgers women's basketball team.
OH! IMUS! YOU'RE ON FIRE!
Seriously, you've got to watch yourself because carelessness can lead to major accidents. I've had my fair share of grillings and I can tell you that it's no picnic if you're unprepared.

First, you gotta watch that lighting fluid. Put on just enough, but know when to stop. There's nothing more dangerous than adding fuel to a fire. Use quality charcoal as well. I prefer the darker lumps. Maybe a few Rutgers women's basketball players.
OH! AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT? OH! SO FIRE!

Stoking the fire is a good idea as long as you're moving the coals around. You don't want your burgers burnt to a crisp, but you do want the grill to be seething, enough to turn them brown. At least keep it hot enough to burn the smug off that pissant Howard Stern. Anybody get a load of this Jew bastard frolicking through his undeserved radio fame like Librace in the Dallas Cowboys' locker room? I'd like to grill his weenie a LONG time.

What I mean by that is I want to cut it off, not that I want to touch his weenie. I bet he doesn't even have a weenie. By the way, don't go telling people I like weenies. I don't.

Anyway, keep a lid on the fire when it starts getting big. You don't want sparks jumping out and starting trouble on your lawn or in your hair. Be extra careful if you have extra greasy hair. I'm not being racist here, just giving a bit of information to Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. I've seen those guys up close and they have enough oil up there to run a bus from the Rutgers women's basketball team locker room to the liquor store and back maybe two or three times.
However long it takes - you know what I'm saying, fellas?
OH, OH! THAT'S A TWO-FER! IMUS YOU'RE SMOOTH LIKE A STICK OF BUTTER! FIRE!

Lastly, make sure the meat is done. A lot of cooks tend to be really lazy when it comes to the actual act of cooking. The outside is brown, but the inside is pink and probably poisonous. I don't want to know what kind of disease you could catch by eating something brown and poisonous. Know what I'm saying, fellas? Eh? Eh?

C'mon, you know it's funny. Just laugh you stupid bastard.

FOURTHOUGHT

BEST ONSCREEN PERFORMANCE BY A RADIO
Sure, radios appear on screen all the time, usually to plug the film's soundtrack. However, there are instances in which a radio becomes more than a magic box full of tubes and wires. The following films are examples of the radio becoming a significant character, revealing crucial plot points and expanding on the narrative.

Hotel Rwanda (2004) – Radio Télévision Libre des Mille Collines (RTLM) was the sole news source during the Rwandan Genocide of 1994. The RTLM not only helps set the tone of the film with its lugubrious voiceovers - We will squash the infestation. We will wipe out the RPF rebels. This is RTLM, Hutu power radio. Stay alert. Watch your neighbors - the radio gives viewers insight into the Hutu/Tutsis conflict. It becomes the catalyst for a raid on a UN truck full of refugees, signaling the start of the third act, and directly affects the lives of every single character.


Frequency (2000) – Father/son relationships are complicated enough without having to involve an amateur radio that transmits 30 years into the past. Frequency is a lot like the story of Aladdin, sans the Arabian Desert and the parrot that sounds a lot like Gilbert Gottfried. The radio acts like a genie, granting John Sullivan (James Caviezel) his wishes. Accordingly, things are allowed to go horribly wrong before the radio provides Sullivan and his father (Dennis Quaid) a means of correcting it all. The touching moral about accepting the things we can not change and learning to let go are kicked aside. The Sullivan family uses the radio to screw with the space-time-continuum, and as a reward they are given all that they have wished for.


Say Anything (1989) – It is more than one of the most subtle and romantic gestures ever put on film. The song blaring through Lloyd Dobler’s boom-box perfectly conveys his feelings for Diane Court in a way that cheesy teen movie dialogue couldn’t. Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” is played twice, the first time on a car radio during a very significant moment in the relationship of the lead characters -THEY DO IT! The song comes back like a refrain, spilling from the speakers perched atop Dobler’s outstretched arms, filling the void between him and the woman he loves.

Radio (2003) – True, in this instance a radio isn’t really a device that wirelessly transmits through space of electromagnetic waves as much it is the nickname of a mentally challenged black kid from Anderson, South Carolina. Cuba Gooding Jr. takes on one of his most challenging roles ever, and fails miserably, approaching the character with all the overacting you’d expect from a guy too desperate to prove his 1997 Oscar win wasn’t a freak accident. Over the course of the film Radio, named for his impressive radio collection, manages to bring out the best and worst in everyone around him. He pushes his fellow characters, motivating them and becoming the mascot of a football team that once considered him a nuisance. However, it is often hard to take the film seriously, and not just because of Gooding’s ridiculous prosthetic teeth. Ed Harris as Coach Jones is totally unconvincing and Michael Tollin’s crappy direction makes the film so overblown with useless sentiment it feels like a Lifetime made for TV movie.

RADIO SPOTTING

Everclear - "AM RADIO"

Everclear - AM Radio (HQ) (Stereo)

BOOKMARKS

Donald

Rabbit, Run

John Updike

Unhappy with his life and the way things are going, former small-town basketball star, Harry "Rabbit" Angstrom, decides to abandon his responsibilities and make a run for it. In an interview with Penguin Classics Updike explained that Rabbit Run was written in response to Kerouac’s On the Road. Updike uses the novel to illustrate what happens when seemingly dedicated family men forego their duties as father and husband in hopes of finding “Something once called grace.” Rabbit Run acts as a warning to young men burdened with commitment and thirsty for a life less ordinary. Rabbit’s break for freedom comes at a price, and the people he leaves behind get hurt. His selfishness rips the fabric of an entire community and inadvertently leads to the death of his daughter. Despite Rabbit’s conceit his desire to find happiness resonates so clearly with our own. We read on, forgiving him when he betrays the people that love him. The characters inhabiting Harry Angstrom’s world are each crucial to the plot, so well rounded they carry the story well in passages where Rabbit is absent. We get a pretty good idea of who everyone is and how they play into Harry’s development, or lack thereof. Updike’s prose flows like water, spilling gracefully over each page. There’s not a single awkward sentence. Rabbit’s story isn’t too far-fetched and lesser writers could have failed, making the text overblown and self important, or throwing together something that felt hoisted from a social work file. The simple complexity of the language and its striking metaphors help turn the everyday missteps of an average Joe into a timeless social commentary. Rabbit Run is very much a case study on the shortcomings of the young American male since World War II.


Nick
The Asian Journal of Thomas Merton

The Asian Journal was neither meant to be published in its current format nor to be Trappist monk Thomas Merton's final book. Perhaps it wasn't even supposed to be a book. The journal covers Merton's reflections on an inaugural trip to monasteries and monks throughout Asia, both Christian and otherwise. Merton died during the trip after being electrocuted by a badly-wired fan before a speaking engagement in Bangkok. Therefore, the Journal has a raw and intimate feel. Merton is seeking contact and dialogue with Christian monasteries and ministries in this area as well as Buddhist and Hindu thinkers. His ideas are numerous and vacillate between smooth dialogue, choppy observations, humorous anecdotes as well as several pages quoted from books he was reading as he prepared for audiences with well-respected Asian religious leaders as well as several poems written by Merton and others.
The journal reveals a more intimate side to Merton the popular mystic and peace activist; it reveals a man thirsting for intimacy with himself as well as a profound love and respect for all human beings. When he writes "only the very unusual means anything to me", it becomes apparent as he seeks out destitute, scraggly contemplatives near Tibet as well as religious abstract artists and even the Dalai Lama himself. Day-by-day, it becomes apparent that Merton is a man asking questions about rather than seeking to explain the world to others.
The most impressive aspect of the Journal is the obvious wonder with which Merton approaches the East, "...everything is emptiness and everything is compassion. I don't know when in my life I have ever had such a sense of beauty and spiritiual validity running together in one aesthetic illumination... This is Asia in its purity... It says everything and needs nothing. It can afford to be silent, unnoticed, undiscovered. It does not need to be discovered. It is we, Asian included, who need to discover it." Unlike many of previous books and essays, this Journal was never intended to teach other but to reflect and celebrate the wonderous new sights and ideas around him. Much like the advice of many eastern sages encountered during his final trip, Merton's Journal seems to have no desire to teach, but to tell and show; it is up to the reader to take the rest of the journey.


Justin
The Lie
Chad Kultgen

Chad Kultgen has written two books. The first book, The Average American Male, followed a twentysomething as he went through a terrible relationship, fantasized about girls, and got into a new relationship. The concept sounds less than intriguing, but it was Kultgen's approach to storytelling that made the book a compelling and fantastic read. His brutal honesty and true-to-life dialogue created characters that weren't familiar in that you felt like you could relate; they were familiar because you felt like you might even know these people.
This approach continues in The Lie, his second novel. This time, we hear the story from three different people: Kyle, a college guy who hates fraternities; Heather, Kyle's sorority-girl other half; and Brett, Kyle's longtime best friend and son of a wealthy company head. Their chapters alternate one after the other, and you get to hear the story continue to move as each person tells their side. The trio are all in college together in Texas, and each has a goal. Kyle's is to do well in his undergrad work and get into Med school. Heather's is to get into a sorority and find a rich guy to marry. Brett's is to simply go to college, follow his dad's path to become heir to the company, and have sex with as many girls as possible.
Had the book followed their stories exclusively, it would have been agonizing to read. However, Kultgen has a way of layering the stories and hinting at future wrongdoings. The book doesn't focus on just a single lie. There are many lies that occur, and they all tie into each person's view of what is the ultimate "Lie." I won't give anything away, but the progression of events gets more and more complex as the story becomes more about coming out on top than just surviving the mess that is The Lie at all.